Pulling up anchor from the crowded
harbor of humanity, I navigate
the steady sea of rolling waves of fertile green;
planting peaceful rhythm within my weary sail.
Opening my lungs to the purer, sweet saltiness
of grass, animal and clay.
Birds sail the seas of heaven, diving in delight of
prey.
Fellow sailors, nod and salute from their faithful rusty ships
as rudders plod consistent course to their harvested catch.
And when I return to shore, the sea is carried within my soul.
Acts 1:23So they nominated two men: Joseph called Barsabbas (also known as Justus) and Matthias. 24Then they prayed, “Lord, you know everyone’s heart. Show us which of these two you have chosen 25to take over this apostolic ministry, which Judas left to go where he belongs.†26Then they cast lots, and the lot fell to Matthias; so he was added to the eleven apostles.
Bitter-sweet day yesterday. Natalie had a field trip to our local baseball stadium (yes, she held my hand the whole time). It was so much fun, but something about the trip caused me great sorrow as well. When we first moved to this state, I painted a mural of the ballpark for Jonathan’s room. The last time I was at a game was last year for my anniversary while in the midst of planning Jonathan’s funeral. His birthday is on Mother’s Day this year. Being at the ballpark brought all of those things to the surface.
I know from other survivors that this is quite common and that it is important to sew new memories into the fabric of my life, so I’m glad that I went. When Jonathan was little we brought him to a game early for autographs. He got a helmet and his catcher’s mitt signed. That night he slept with the glove on his hand and the helmet on his head. It was such a sweet image in my mind.
The disciples were fresh off the crucifixion and resurrection. Jesus spent forty days preparing them for ministry, Christ ascends to heaven, and now what? Now they pray! Now they select a new apostle to replace Judas. Now they wait for the Holy Spirit. Much of this year has been spent learning to wait. God’s instructions were clear to me; he has been removing stumbling blocks, teaching me patience, healing my anger and replacing it with compassion. Showing me that his way is the best way. May each of you be open to the new thoughts, new memories, and new experiences that God wants to sew into the fabric of your life.
Lord, I praise you for this amazing crowd of witnesses! I give you this day. Do with it what you will. Amen
I think my uncle, aware of how deep the spiritual battle for my family is, thought we should have a larger shield of faith.
Perfectly loved, unafraid because
You make yourself
comfortable in my heart.
Wallpapering my soul
with scripture,
flinging open windows and locked doors
to the sunshine of your joy.
Removing stumbling
blocks
Removing doubt that clutters.
Lifting my face
to gaze into your
unblemished love.
Choosing
me.
Adopting me.
You are my mirror
Reflecting truth
I refused to see,
Showing me my heart
the way you see it, strengthening
my love to laugh again.
You woke me from the terror of my nightmares,
said I was worth your time, your pain, your cross.
You didn’t shy away from my stains
From the sorrow I could not repay.
You awoke my desire
A fire for something
beyond self
beyond limit
beyond fear
you lit
my
path
until I
became You.
Holding out my scarred hands
Lightening another soul’s nightmare.
Snuffed out breath
Awakened in night’s soul
pressed into the cradle of my husband,
Pierced in the heart of rest
that never comes
Peace that never wakes
that smells of death
even as I scream for
life.
Hearing my own sweat
my own terror dripping
like tears from my cheek
longing for the nightmare
of sorrow to end and for the calloused hand
to release my throat to sing.
Luke 15: 1,7 Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him.Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him.. . .Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.
Natalie was missing for 45 minutes. A late afternoon trip to the zoo turned into a nightmare, as one instant she was beside me, and the next she was not. I wish I could claim that my faith held me together, but God was not the first thing I ran to. Fear was my companion for the search. I realized in an instant that I have come to expect loss—that is a story for me to figure out another day.
Daniel and I hunted for five minutes, but to no avail, so we flagged security who confidently assured me that they would find her. The young man who stayed with me had barely shaken the dust of his teens, he was way out of his depth with me. He had enough sense to realize that I needed to search rather than stand there and wait.
“Ouch, you’re holding my hand too tight,†Daniel complained. “Is that because your scared for Natalie?”
“Sorry kiddo,” I said, realizing that I needed to find a safe place for him while we searched. I dropped him off with the original staff member we had flagged and the teen-adult and I relayed Natalie’s description around the park. At first there was constant chatter as the net of people spread out to different locations.
Then the drought of silence.
My thoughts threatened to send me over the edge so I began jabbering to the teen-adult. We searched in all of Natalie’s favorite places until I could tell the teen-adult’s confidence waning, and he was running out of ways to keep me hopeful.
“When is it time to call the police.” I asked.
“It is getting close.” he answered honestly.
My husband arrived from work and called to join the search. The staff was starting to look through the parking lot.
Finally my cellphone vibrated again. “I’ve found her.”
She was happily playing, oblivious of our fear, oblivious that she had been missing for 45 minutes.
My husband told me later that staff walked right past her.
How is that possible?
Sometimes we don’t look lost. Natalie was happily playing and there were lots of parents on the plaza.
Jesus told the parable of the lost sheep because the Pharisees were complaining that he was hanging out with sinners. He should be more concerned about those who are staying with the flock. Right? I’ve got news for you Pharisees, not a single one of us is without sin and need of repentance. We don’t know we are in danger, we are going through life believing that we can do it all. We don’t need anyone’s help. It takes a shepherd who knows that we are prone to walk off cliffs or into a lions den. Jesus doesn’t just search, he celebrates when we are found!
There are over 7 billion people on this planet; what’s one little lamb when you have a whole herd of sheep? Who would climb cliffs, face lions, keep searching for just one of us? Only one God will do that!
Independent little Natalie didn’t know that she was lost yesterday. I’m grateful that we have a shepherd who will keep searching for us, even when we are wander away from his love and protection.
Blue Men and Women
conducted a BOLD LETTERÂ search
for the little sheep hiding amid the pride of lions
while the mother feared she had been devoured
Layers of loss struggled to hope
Squawks of Marco
Polo volleyed
Until the hunters exhausted of the game
Silence
ticked by until the question must be asked
Is it time?
Almost, the faint reply
The vibration of a kindred searcher woke
the mother from her fears
“I have her”
relief rushed to restore order
She was laughing amongst lions
Oblivious of danger
Nor fragile with fear
“Do you have your exit buddy?”–Crush (Finding Nemo)
When I began my healing process my counselor had me create a crisis sheet. Steps to take, people I could trust, ways to protect myself. One of the most important parts of the plan was having the person I could call at a moments notice and they will be there. Dori was that fish for Marlin in the movie Finding Nemo. She was loyal, insightful, an encourager, good listener (even if she had no short term memory) Who is your fish?
When Jesus sent out the disciples he sent them out in pairs. Why? Because this world is going to have obstacles and they are much easier to climb when we are not alone. My kids went to a warehouse that had a floor to ceiling climbing wall. Neither made it to the top the first time. Even though the spotter told them what to look for their fear made it hard to listen. Defeated they went on to other activities. Natalie was the first to go back to the wall and try again and this time she knew that the harness would hold her, so that fear was gone. She climbed higher, but still got stuck and looked like she was going to give up again.
The spotter (without a harness mind you) climbed up the wall beside her and coached her on how to climb. She quickly made it the rest of the way. At the moment she was ready to quit, the young man was her partner to the top. Who is your partner in those moments of depression? Please hear me the other person doesn’t have to be perfect, but they do have to have certain qualities that you are currently lacking. They need to see the bigger picture of your goals when you get stuck in the middle. Who is your exit buddy! ?
Matthew 11:16 “But to what shall I compare this generation? It is like children sitting in the marketplaces and calling to their playmates,
17“‘We played the flute for you, and you did not dance;
we sang a dirge, and you did not mourn.’
18For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, ‘He has a demon.’ 19The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Yet wisdom is justified by her deeds.â€
Today I got a lesson on rhythm. I used a metronome to help my son find the beat for his violin lessons. He is learning eighth notes; having to stay in tempo has had him tangled up and frustrated. In an instant he went from haphazard, it sorta sounds like “Can-Can†to it really sounds like “Can-Canâ€.
Now just to be clear, I love beat when others are creating it, and actually gravitate towards rap music, which emphasizes beat. If you see my minivan windows vibrating, now you know why. You will often see a rapper moving his or her hands in a back and forth motion that are short and long. They are staying within a structured meter.
I struggle with keeping tempo in my writing even though I studied the meter greats for my writing degree. I found trying to squish words into a rhythm annoying! Just let the words have their say was my belief. Unfortunately it wasn’t my teachers belief and this course was my lowest score in English. Beats, whether in writing or music, are discipline and they matter! And I STRUGGLE with disciple! I feel that what I’m trying to say gets lost in the beats, or the beat gets lost in what I’m trying to say.
Obviously it not an impossible task because many talented writers and musicians find the beat. The rapper and beat become partners, singing to and around each other; plotting out poetry that is flexible, alive and active. But can I create a beat myself? Can my writing set a tone in your lives? Absolutely! Jesus’ ministry was Allegro (fast and upbeat), whereas John the Baptist’s preparation was Grave. Why were two God commissioned men preaching so differently? John was the transition from the law of sin (death), to abundant life in Jesus Christ! They both set different tones with the music they played, but both brought repentance, redemption, and restoration to those chosen and willing to follow. It says that there is an order and purpose in each note that we play. It also says to me that each of us will play our own God given tempo. The things that don’t change are Christ provider of our beat, prayer, scripture, fellowship, and witnessing. Every single powerhouse in scripture had these five disciplines as part of their music. Some of us may be playing Ode to Joy and others Visee-Allemande Grave, but both take discipline . . . who knows, with God’s help I may try my hand once more at that iambic pentameter.
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/