The problem with a note left behind?
Your unique handwriting betrays your existence matters.
Monthly Archives: July 2016
I’m a worm
trapped in a cocoon of
depression.
Alone.
No! Don’t try to
open me up.
I’ll die!
Let
me emerge, through painful
transformation,
a butterfly.
Short lived and beautiful.
Let Me Emerge a Butterfly!
In previous posts I shared my desire for God to move heaven from abstract images to concrete, life-giving, substance. Yesterday, while touring Saint Mary’s Cathedral Basilica of the Assumption, God pulled back the veil.
There is a mural painted by Frank Duveneck . My first walk through, I saw only Jesus on the cross and the person I thought might be his mother (actually Mary Magdalene) pleading for a different outcome. I began to cry, her position at the cross is one I’m quite familiar. I came back to the painting later, this time I noticed God behind Jesus’ out stretched arms! Suddenly I realized that there is a heavenly perspective of our circumstances, not just our view at the foot of the cross.
God is not helplessly watching our vulnerability, he is actively, intimately aware of our sorrow, pain, and longings. He not only knows all things work to our good, but how they work to our good. His arms are outstretched even as our arms are outstretched. For example, when Stephen is stoned, “Look,†he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.†(Acts 7:56) Heaven is present at this horrific moment and Jesus is standing to receive Stephen. When Saul is about to ratchet up persecution, heaven opens and a blinding light, stopping him in his tracks.  Jesus questions Paul directly. “Why are you persecuting me?” Even when heaven is not revealed to us, God is near! The comforter has come to rest, like a dove, on all who believe.
I’ve been struggling with the level of burden God has given to us. But, seeing the record of those who have gone before us, reminds me that heaven is not distant even when I can’t see. I have security, strength and a power to do what he has called me to do. We can paint earthly reminders of those who have gone before us. We can create vaulted ceilings to reflect the beauty and majesty of the heavenly realms and it is breath-taking. How much more so is heaven’s view of us. We are God’s beautiful stain glass window, a glimpse of heavenly glory is revealed in the way he walks with us.
Mary Magdalen at the foot of the cross.
James 5:10Brothers, as an example of patience in affliction, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. 11See how blessed we consider those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen the outcome from the Lord. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.…
I’m struggling to write. Sheer exhaustion gets my brain jumbled up. I literally can feel my brain shorting out! After a week and half of unmitigated insomnia I had an absence seizure in the middle of church yesterday. Brian said he suddenly realized that I wasn’t there and tried to talk to me and I didn’t respond. While it didn’t go full blown my head will not quit pounding.
I hate this feeling, but I also know it will pass.
Please pray for sleep, and relief for my family from the physical attack, we are all oppressed by right now. Lord, you are my God, I do not understand what you are doing with all of this. Yet, I place my body in your hands. Please make our path straight! I put my hope in you and persevere through the pain to see your glory. Amen
Hope is a little girl in red pigtails,
flitting ahead of weary motherhood,
inviting flight into crisp blue bird bath of
joy.
Alighting long enough for plump morsels of life.
until branches offers new heights of perspective.
“Up here she tweets”, bouncing excitedly.
Calling me from the security of nesting, to explore
what hope scouts ahead.
John 8:…6 They said this to test Him, in order to have a basis for accusing Him. But Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with His finger. 7When they continued to question Him, He straightened up and said to them, “Whoever is without sin among you, let him be the first to cast a stone at her.†8And again He bent down and wrote on the ground.…
Matthew Henry Commentary
8:1-11 Christ neither found fault with the law, nor excused the prisoner’s guilt; nor did he countenance the pretended zeal of the Pharisees. Those are self-condemned who judge others, and yet do the same thing. All who are any way called to blame the faults of others, are especially concerned to look to themselves, and keep themselves pure. In this matter Christ attended to the great work about which he came into the world, that was, to bring sinners to repentance; not to destroy, but to save. He aimed to bring, not only the accused to repentance, by showing her his mercy, but the prosecutors also, by showing them their sins; they thought to insnare him, he sought to convince and convert them. He declined to meddle with the magistrate’s office. Many crimes merit far more severe punishment than they meet with; but we should not leave our own work, to take that upon ourselves to which we are not called. When Christ sent her away, it was with this caution, Go, and sin no more. Those who help to save the life of a criminal, should help to save the soul with the same caution. Those are truly happy, whom Christ does not condemn. Christ’s favour to us in the forgiveness of past sins should prevail with us, Go then, and sin no more.
For many suffering from depression and their caretakers, ” I just want to die!” are the most painful words to hear and say.
Do we freeze with fear when we hear those words? Do we dismiss them as manipulative? Are we on our knees petitioning day and night for relief, as I was for Jonathan? How do we escape this painful pit of depression that often accompanies living difficult and painful existence? Who do we turn to for help? How can we combat an unseen enemy that so successfully tears our lives apart? Where is God in this pain?
Scripture is clueing me in to God’s response to our spiritual health questions:
1 Kings 19:4But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die, and said, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers.â€
- From Elijah’s struggle with depression I know that God allowed him to run away
- God interacted with Elijah “What are you doing here?”
- He fed, provided water and allowed Elijah to rest
- God acknowledged that the journey was to great for Elijah
- He commanded Elijah to go back the way he had come (stop running away)
- Provided a companion to take over
- Did not take his life
Mark 9:28 After Jesus had gone into the house, His disciples asked Him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?†29Jesus answered, “This [demon] cannot come out, except by prayer.â€Â
- Prayer
- Sometimes the only way of breaking through depression, mental illness and suicide is to cry out to the one who knocked down the walls of Jericho, made a child defeat a giant, and came to us in the form of a tiny baby to set us free from sin!
- We aren’t talking the now I lay me down to sleep prayers, but the prayers that sweat blood, and wrestle with God expecting blessing–expecting Him to answer.
Ruth 1:…16 But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or turn back from following you; for where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. 17“Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus may the LORD do to me, and worse, if anything but death parts you and me.” 18When she saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more to her.…
- Stand with the depressed
- Go with them wherever they journey
- Love God
- Risk leaving the known to venture into the unknown
- Make it clear that you are with them all the way
Nehemiah 2:2 Now I had not been sad in his presence. 2So the king said to me, “Why is your face sad though you are not sick? This is nothing but sadness of heart.” Then I was very much afraid. 3I said to the king, “Let the king live forever. Why should my face not be sad when the city, the place of my fathers’ tombs, lies desolate and its gates have been consumed by fire?”…
- Sharing
- Speak up about what depresses us.
- Acknowledge what we see in our friends.
Psalm 143:…6I stretch out my hands to You; My soul longs for You, as a parched land. Selah. 7Answer me quickly, O LORD, my spirit fails; Do not hide Your face from me, Or I will become like those who go down to the pit. 8Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; For I trust in You; Teach me the way in which I should walk; For to You I lift up my soul.…
- Petition
- Cry out to God
- Be real with him
- Listen for his love
- Allow him to teach you the path through depression
Psalm 73:26Â My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 42:11 Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence.
- Remember
- God does not change and therefore we can count on his faithfulness no matter our failures
- Praise is not dependent upon feeling
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1 Samuel 16:23So it came about whenever the evil spirit from God came to Saul, David would take the harp and play it with his hand; and Saul would be refreshed and be well, and the evil spirit would depart from him.
- Hope/Praise
- Music can soothe the soul
Questions I plan on asking myself:
- What am I doing in my depression?
- Am I allowing God to provide food, water, and rest?
- Am I confessing my fears?
- Am I isolated?
- Am I remembering?
- What am I listening to?
I am an impossibility–
Chained to a prison of depression stats,
and yet, singing hymns of freedom.
Rattling the gates of hell to open
your life to the baptism of
possibility.
Isaiah 61:1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
            Because the LORD has anointed me
            To bring good news to the afflicted;
            He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
            To proclaim liberty to captives
            And freedom to prisoners . . .
Brian and I just got back from Together2016.
Together2016
Before Together2016:
- Spiritual battle: I was struggling to trust God’s goodness and sovereignty in my husband’s illness, prayer, blogging, reading scripture all became 10X harder
- Physical: I barely slept all week, Brian’s vertigo reached epic proportions by Tuesday, Daniel woke up crying out in pain and I was fighting sinus issues that was beginning to mess with my ears
- Mind: I couldn’t process or remember things and I wasn’t sure that I could even engage the D.C trip enough to make it worth our while
- Heart: I was growing bitter and angry
I felt cut off from God. I did not feel his hand guiding us through the ugliness of our circumstances. All I could see is that he wasn’t healing Brian and allowing more struggles than either of us could withstand.
What I didn’t know, until this morning, is that my 6 (almost 7) year old daughter checked on her daddy regularly throughout Monday, and each time she prayed for him. She prayed specifically that he would be well and be able to make the trip to D.C.
Wednesday morning Brian woke up with such exuberance and stayed that way the rest of the week, in spite of some rough moments physically. I sought medical care for my ears and the kids sang VBS songs every day with such passion that it ministered to my weary soul. Even when I struggled to cry out, God knew what I needed!
After Together2016
- I am returning with a clear mission: I am to speak boldly into the darkness
- Surrounded by such a cloud of witnesses  (some who are now new friends) I WILL NOT QUIT!
- I am  encouraged by a nation turning to pray for healing in the midst of so much world pain
- I heard clearly from God
- I am closer to my husband
- Reset of purpose, and strengthened in offering the reason for the hope I have!
- Abiding in Christ and trusting God with what I cannot see or fathom.
Together2016
If you struggle with seizures, I encourage you to check out Lowell Evan’s work in deepeng understanding of epilepsy.
Lowell, it was wonderful meeting you in D.C., blessings upon you.
National Suicide Hotline
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/