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Sewing New Memories into the Fabric of Life

Posted April 28, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Acts 1:23So they nominated two men: Joseph called Barsabbas (also known as Justus) and Matthias. 24Then they prayed, â€œLord, you know everyoneâ€™s heart. Show us which of these two you have chosen 25to take over this apostolic ministry, which Judas left to go where he belongs.â€ 26Then they cast lots, and the lot fell to Matthias; so he was added to the eleven apostles.

Bitter-sweet day yesterday. Natalie had aÂ field trip to our local baseball stadium (yes, she held my hand the whole time). It was so much fun, but something about the trip caused me great sorrow as well. When we first moved to this state, I painted a mural of the ballpark for Jonathan’s room. The last time I was at a game was last year for my anniversary while in the midst of planning Jonathan’s funeral. His birthday is on Mother’s Day this year. Being at the ballpark brought all of those things to the surface.

I know from other survivors that this is quite common and that it is important to sew new memories into the fabric of my life, so I’m glad that I went. When Jonathan was little we brought himÂ to a game early for autographs. He got a helmet and his catcher’s mitt signed. That night he slept with the glove on his hand and the helmet on his head. It was such a sweet image in my mind.

The disciples were fresh off the crucifixion and resurrection.Â Jesus spent forty days preparing them for ministry, Christ ascends to heaven, and now what? Now they pray!Â Now they select a new apostle to replace Judas. Now they wait for the Holy Spirit. Much of this year has been spent learning to wait. God’s instructions were clear to me; he has been removing stumbling blocks, teaching me patience, healing my anger and replacing it with compassion. Showing me that his way is the best way. May each of you be open to the new thoughts, new memories, and new experiencesÂ that God wants to sew into the fabric of your life.

Lord, I praise you for this amazing crowd of witnesses! I give you this day. Do with it what you will. Amen

Where Can I Go For Help

Posted April 22, 2015 | Karisa Moore

“Do you have your exit buddy?”–Crush (Finding Nemo)

When I began my healing process my counselor had me create a crisis sheet. Steps to take, people I could trust, ways to protect myself. One of the most important parts of the plan was having the person I could call at a moments notice and they will be there. Dori was that fish for Marlin in the movie Finding Nemo. She was loyal, insightful, an encourager, good listener (even if she had no short term memory) Who is your fish?

When Jesus sent out the disciples he sent them out in pairs. Why? Because this world is going to have obstacles and they are much easier to climb when we are not alone. My kids went to aÂ warehouse that had a floor to ceilingÂ climbing wall. Neither made it to the top the first time. Even though the spotter told them what to look for their fear made it hard to listen. Defeated they went on to other activities. Natalie was the first to go back to the wall and try again and this time she knew that the harness would hold her, so that fear was gone. She climbed higher, but still got stuck and looked like she was going to give up again.

The spotter (without aÂ harness mind you) climbed up the wall beside her and coached her on how to climb. She quickly made it the rest of the way. At the moment she was ready to quit, the young man was her partner to the top. Who is your partner in those moments of depression? Please hear me the other person doesn’t have to be perfect, but they do have to have certain qualities that you are currently lacking. They need to see the bigger picture of your goals when you get stuck in the middle. Who is your exit buddy! ?

Tempo is discipline!: Finding our God given beat

Posted April 21, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Matthew 11:16 â€œBut to what shall I compare this generation? It is like children sitting in the marketplaces and calling to their playmates,

17â€œâ€˜We played the flute for you, and you did not dance;

we sang a dirge, and you did not mourn.â€™

18For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, â€˜He has a demon.â€™ 19The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, â€˜Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!â€™ Yet wisdom is justified by her deeds.â€

Today I got a lesson on rhythm. I used a metronome to help my son find the beat for his violin lessons. He is learning eighth notes; having to stay in tempo has had him tangled up and frustrated. In an instant he went from haphazard, it sorta sounds like â€œCan-Canâ€ to it really sounds like â€œCan-Canâ€.

Now just to be clear, I love beat when others are creating it, and actually gravitate towards rap music, which emphasizes beat. If you see my minivan windows vibrating, now you know why. You will often see a rapper moving his or her hands in a back and forth motion that are short and long. They are staying within a structured meter.

I struggle with keeping tempo in my writing even though I studied the meter greats for my writing degree. I found trying to squish words into a rhythm annoying! Just let the words have their say was my belief. Unfortunately it wasn’t my teachers belief and this course was my lowest score in English. Beats, whether in writing or music, are discipline and they matter! And I STRUGGLE with disciple! I feel that what I’m trying to say gets lost in the beats, or the beat gets lost in what I’m trying to say.

Obviously it not an impossible task because many talented writers and musicians find the beat. The rapper and beat become partners, singing to and around each other; plotting out poetry that is flexible, alive and active. But can I create a beat myself? Can my writing set a tone in your lives? Absolutely! Jesus’ ministry was Allegro (fast and upbeat), whereas John the Baptist’s preparation was Grave. Why were two God commissioned men preaching so differently? John was the transition from the law of sin (death), to abundant life in Jesus Christ! They both set different tones with the music they played, but both brought repentance, redemption, and restoration to those chosen and willing to follow. It says that there is an order and purpose in each note that we play. It also says to me that each of us will play our own God given tempo. The things that don’t change are Christ provider of our beat, prayer, scripture, fellowship, and witnessing. Every single powerhouse in scripture had these five disciplines as part of their music. Some of us may be playing Ode to Joy and others Visee-Allemande Grave, but both take discipline . . . who knows, with God’s help I may try my hand once more at that iambic pentameter.

Turning the Page on Saturday: Embracing the Resurrection power of Sunday

Posted April 5, 2015 | Karisa Moore

“It is Only for the Weekend” was the sermon title at my in-laws church. God, who is not limited, doesn’t even operate in the limits of time, takes our circumstances whether good or bad and declares that they are temporary. Even death is now an unpredictable outcome for those who believe.

On our drive home Brian and I agreed that the heartache of missing Jonathan sure didn’t feel like only a weekend. “Feels like we are stuck on Saturday.” Brian said. Maybe your circumstances are like ours and you feel stuck in pain, your job, your life, your loss. The resurrection hasn’t happened or become an active part of our thinking, living,Â and dying.Â We are confused and reeling from plans not of our own making. We want to hide away, cry out, shake our fist at a God for allowing such agony into our lives. We would not map out the same path.

This is exactly how the disciples behaved after the crucifixion, the Romans guarded the tomb just in case the disciples tried to steal the body. They needn’t worry–the disciples were stuck on Saturday. When they started getting reports that Jesus was alive, most of the 12Â did not go running to the tomb to confirm that it was empty and that Christ was indeed resurrected. They were in disbelief, and that was where they were likely going to stay if Jesus himself hadn’t walked through the door. I mean that literally, he waked through the closed and locked door.

Does Jesus have to walk through the closed and locked door of my heart for me to accept that his plan for my future is a good one? Or do I declare with my hands open to the heavens “BUT, SUNDAY!” The resurrection isn’t just an event that happened in history, it happens today when believers see the risen Christ in their lives and are transformed.

Lord, open my mind, heart, and soul to Sunday and help me to Turn the Page on Saturday! Amen.

Invited into the Garden of Trust: Jesus Trusted His Heavenly Father Completely

Posted March 28, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Matthew: 26: 36Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, â€œSit here, while I go over there and pray.â€ 37And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38Then he said to them, â€œMy soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch^d with me.â€ 39And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, â€œMy Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.â€

I’ve been invited into the garden. Not for a girly tea party, nice as those are, but invited to drink a cup of my Father’s will. Two years ago, the Holy Spirit began leading me to the garden, I thought it was teach me forgiveness, but now in the midst of grief, confusion, and a loss I physically cannot bear I finally understand. God was inviting me to trust him completely.

What does it mean to trust God completely?

PuttingÂ God’sÂ will first (vs. 36)
Obedience ( vs. 39,42)
Seeing that God is sovereign inÂ ALL circumstances (vs. 39, 42)
Allowing the Holy Spirit to lead me (vs. 41)
Â Acknowledging my will as well as his (vs. 39)

Jesus was in the habit (discipline)Â of praying in the garden! (Luke 22:39), How many of us, when facing the most difficult trial stick to ourÂ routine of talking to God?Â He went to the gardenÂ not out of sudden desperation, but out of steady consistency.Â Â His prayer was raw, real, and vulnerable. He gave insight into his state of mind, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” Sometimes our will verses God’s will takes us to the brink of death. Our flesh wants its way! This isn’t some lightweight battle, the enemy of our soul knows exactly what he is doing! It is okay to ask the heavenly father for our will to be done, even while we submit to His will completely. The Holy Spirit ministers to us in our weakness. through prayer, keeping watch, discipline, even with those we long to support us fall away in their own weakness.

From Psalm 37 I learn these building blocks of God’s will:

Trust
Delight
Commit
Be Still
Wait patiently
Refrain
Turn
Hope
Consider

As I practice these 9 steps I will find that forgiveness happens out of my God given new spirit, and as I am in the garden, I will be able to trust in everything that I have learned about my heavenly father. Then I will be able to drink the cup of his will completely.

The Object of Our Agitation

Posted March 9, 2015 | Karisa Moore

My son was very agitated today about surface things that I could see had nothing to do with his anguish. Finally, I heard him sobbing in the other room. “Mommy I can’t stop crying.” I wrapped him up in my arm and rocked him as heÂ continued to talk about the object of his concern, but quickly shifted to crying out for Jonathan. “I miss him so much!” he sobbed.

My heart broke for his grief! Oh Lord, equip me to comfort him. How many of usÂ have those moments,Â we feel anxious about our broken toy, the car that just cut us off, the snow trappingÂ us inside, the phone ringing–all the things that on another day wouldn’t bother us, but today it is just too much. All the time brewing beneath that agitation is real heart ache, longing, brokenness, fear, and sorrow.

Why did God create us with emotions? Emotions tend to squish out in strange ways when we deny them their purpose. I believe that our emotions were created to feel joy, pleasure, interact with each other andÂ ourÂ GodÂ internally and externally–literally to be stirred by God. When the fallÂ occurredÂ our emotions were suddenly stirred by sin, which will always point to us away from God. But, we can learn to lay out our heartache, our pain before his throne so that he can replace our burden with healing. Our emotions always long to be in right relationship with God! Don’t be afraid to lift the veil to reveal your heartache to him, He longs to hold us, and is moved with compassion for our sufferings.Â He may prune away what we think is causingÂ us grief to reveal the root.

If someone around you is agitated about things that don’t seem to match in value do a little gardening. Dig past the surface to the root pain;Â much easier to heal when we correctly identify the source of our anguish. It may just be as simple as being present withÂ your loved oneÂ and listening, but it can make all the difference in the world.

Yielding Peaceful Fruit of Righteousness: The Results of Discipline

Posted March 7, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Hebrews 12:11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

I shared with you that my son Daniel is learning to play the violin. He is a beginner, but shows real signs of a great musical ear. It is a delight to watch him discover his capabilities. This last week I got a front row seat for a transition in him. His teacher was more firm with Daniel and I saw the look on my son’s face. His response could go one of two ways, either he melted down into tears because he perceived he wasn’t getting it right, or he heard what his teacher was really saying. “Daniel you are too talented for me to let you get by with sloppy playing.” I bit my lip and held my breath watching Daniel process his teacher’s constructive criticism.

“So if I was giving my best, we would be further along in the book?” Daniel asked.

“Yes.” His instructor answered.

From that moment forward Daniel focused and they played a beautiful duet to end the session. Daniel has not been the same this week. He is practicing without much prompting, way past the 15 min we had been requiring, and he has even picked up on how to play the intro to the Star Wars Theme Song just by watching another violinist play it on YouTube. There is a joy, and discipline that wasn’t there a week ago.

What is it that you and I need to take more seriously? God has gifted each of us! Have you taken the risk to find out what that gifting is? Seek the heart of our creator to discover who he has made you to be. Like Daniel and I, you may be in the midst of God’s discipline. We are too beautiful, too loved and too talented, not to embrace our calling. Don’t you dare tell me that you have no gift, I’ve tried that same tactic. To be totally honest I squandered my writing abilities, because I feared rejection, lacked discipline, and didn’t want to take risks. God is changing me through Jonathan’s death, and revealing to me how much my unique creative fingerprint matters. I want to give you comfort and hope in the midst of your trials and circumstances, because God created in me a love for words, they are my violin. There is a drive, and urgency in my sharing my story, because God created my gifts for such a time as this!

Turning the Page no Matter What: Forming routine in the midst of crisis

Posted January 8, 2015 | Karisa Moore

1 John 1:1That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we looked upon and have touched with our hands, concerning the word of lifeâ€” 2the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to usâ€” 3that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ. 4And we are writing these things so that our^a joy may be complete. ESV

My children have struggled to head back to school. Two weeks of being out, one of those weeks in a different time zone have wreaked havoc on their routine. They are grumpy, hyper, and testing the limits of bedtime and routine. Yet they need structure and order.

For that matter, so do I. Routine is vital in healing from the trauma of any kind. My son’s suicide has forced me to simplify (my brain simply cannot store any sort of useful information right now), to write notes, to weed my schedule down, and to limit my interactions with people who drain what little energy that I have.

My husband and I went into Christmas with a plan and it was a good one. It aided us in saying no when we needed to, guarding each other’s hearts, and in creating new memories to cherish Jonathan. God blessed and honored our commitment with surprises around every corner, reminding usÂ of his presence with us! Thank you Lord.

The future spread out before me is daunting. I must take each day one at a time, just as Jesus did. Jesus knew he was headed toward the cross and he maintained a routine of prayer, scripture, fellowship, and witnessing. The burden of walking towards the cross was broken down into daily pieces that fit perfectly in God’s plan. The four spokes of the wheel illustration I mentioned in an earlier post, aren’t just nice ideas. They are the daily routine that keep us focused and reliant upon the will of God!Â As we are strengthened in each, the crosses we bear are not a burden in the light of his love and God’s plan for salvation. Lord, give me enough for today. Amen

The Value of a Page Written in Tears

Posted January 6, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Luke 23:44It was now about the sixth hour, and darkness fell over the whole land until the ninth hour, 45because the sun was obscured; and the veil of the temple was torn in two.

I was doing great yesterday morning, but in the afternoon I began sobbing uncontrollably as I was working on laundry. Especially when I saw my son’s bed and could so clearly see his figure, both as a child and as a teenager, curled up under the covers.

Everyday functioning is so much harder with a piece of you missing. You walk through your day with a constant nagging feeling that there is something valuable lost that you are constantly searching for. For those of us who have lost a loved one, there is no quick fix, no glue that will repair this crack in our soul.

I truly believe that heaven is affected by the loss of Jonathan. The day I put my son in the ground the weather went crazy. For the burial the sun shone brightly, but quickly after it began storming and the sky went black. That is why, when the sky suddenly began brightening at 9:00 in the evening, everyone took notice.

My neighbor and I went outside and began snapping pictures. On one side were the billowing lines of the storm clouds, but to the west was this eerie orange light. My husband felt that heaven was mourning with us.

And why wouldn’t heaven mourn?Â God created each person with a unique fingerprint, there is not a single one of us that he does not value! Jesus came so that we may have abundant life. My son’s life was valuable to God.

What is it that you were created for? As I mourn for Jonathan I also have two more precious little ones who need to know that they have value. My kids struggled to settle down for sleep last night. I snuggled with Natalie first. We giggled like little girls,Â and she shared how much she missed Jonathan.Â I then climbed up into Daniel’s loft bed to snuggle with him (no easy task); he was so pleased that I was taking the time to be present with him that he began talking a mile a minute. He had so much he wanted to share with me. To reach beyond my grief to be present with them felt good.

My life has value, So I keep turning the page of my story to find out what happens next, even if it is a day heavy with tears. What pageÂ are youÂ writing today?

Abracadabra! Turning my “what ifs” into choices I can live with

Posted December 31, 2014 | Karisa Moore

Missing Jonathan the past two days. I have had such a reprieve over most of Christmas that the intense heartache is consuming my mind. It is hard to keep the “what ifs” at bay.

No matter what your current circumstances there can always be “what ifs” asked. As I attempted to lasso my thoughts the clear answer is “but I didn’t”. The what if’s are infinite, but the “I dids” are finite. Can I live with my choices?

…

Some of us spend much of our times going through all the scenarios of the things we didn’t choose. What if I had chosen to take that job, or marry James instead of John, and on and on it goes.

Jesus lived with the choices that he made. That wasn’t because he didn’t have “what ifs”; he trusted his heavenly father completely with all of his choices. At the heart of every moment of his time on this earth was loving God and loving his neighbor as himself. Those are the best choices that we can make.

I am imperfect, but I certainly love God and love my children. . . and where I am weak, well those are the places that I hope that Christ shines brightest. Christ is the author and perfector of my faith, as I grow in love I will have fewer what ifs and more confidence in the I dids. For now, I take confidence in what Christ did for me.

Posts Categorized: christianity

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