Body bolstered by belief,
and honed by instruction
motors towards the finish line.
Joy, baptizing those in your wake.
Arms outstretched to receive
the prize.
Embraced by love,
Until you wiggle free,
ready to face your expanded distance.
Posts Categorized: faith
As I awoke this morning I was immediately hit with going over ever last minute detail leading up to Jonathan’s death. It is in these moments that I pull out every tool in my tool box.
Prayer: Lord, you know that my heart’s longing is for Jonathan to be here–to live. Please Lord, fill me with your love. Direct my mind to what is doable for me today. May you be enough for me. Amen.
Scripture: Lamentations 3:31For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. 32Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. 33For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.
Romans 8:31What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
John 16:22So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
Fellowship: Headed into the office to work. . . bringing Daniel’s joke book. 😉
Witnessing: I share with you my grief, my hope, and my God with you today. May you find comfort in your afflictions, hope in your grief, and love and compassion for those around you.
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:18-25 NIV
Turning My Page
Embracing suffering requires us to accept that God subjected all of creation to futility and frustration. When my son was three he would say, “You got me in trouble,” as my husband and I disciplined him for disobedience. In those moments Daniel forgot that we loved him, he forgot we wanted good things for him, and he didn’t understand the purpose of our saying no. We frustrated his plans.
I don’t tend to struggle so much with rejecting discipline when I have done something wrong, but sometimes good plans, plans of following Jesus and living life to the fullest have been frustrated, not of my own making. This was a stumbling block for me growing up and still trips me up as an adult. I was abused, neglected, and experienced injustice after injustice. Now, I have lost a son, a son that turned me to God. What kind of God allows this kind of suffering for a daughter that he loves?
Paul tried to make clear that the suffering we experience (whether a believer in Jesus or not) is so that we can be free from death (a consequence of sin) and made alive through Jesus. This can be extremely hard to accept for three reasons:
- It is the complete opposite of our worldly thinking
- No one wants to suffer, and
- We don’t always see immediate results in our suffering.
I think that if I do good, such as raise Jonathan as a Godly mother, I should receive good outcomes.
Turning Your Page
How often do we say, “I deserve this?” TV commercials dangle their items and encourage us that we deserve whatever item they are selling. If God gave us what we deserve it would be death, an eternal separation from him. (Romans 3:23) I forget that Jesus was perfect and we crucified him. If doing good was enough for our salvation then he should not have been put to death.
So if the son of God wasn’t spared suffering, then maybe my definition of suffering needs to change. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” God prepared me for Jonathan’s death (my current suffering) with this verse. I don’t know about you, but I tend to bristle when people throw out this verse when we suffer. I can tell the difference when someone clearly knows and believes what they are saying and when someone is just spouting something that sounds good. THIS IS A CRUCIFICTION BELIEF! I am saying that I believe that everything that I have experienced, the abuse as a child, the despair as a teen, the suicide of my son works to glorify God! That has to be a core transformation because it goes against my desire for self-preservation. God even uses fleas; just ask Corrie ten Boom who scoffed when her sister praised God for the fleas. God doesn’t use fleas for his glory! She found out later that the prison guards did not interfere with the bible-study that she and her sister led with the other prisoners because they did not want to get fleas. (The Hiding Place) Not a single bit of our experiences are wasted.
We need to look no further for an example of struggle with suffering than the Rich Young Ruler. For the disciples Mark 10 is a lynch pin moment. The rich young ruler runs up and bows to Jesus. He calls Jesus “Good Teacherâ€. And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone.†Already we can see that his thinking is not the same as Jesus’ on what constitutes goodness. 18The rich young ruler wants to know what he must do to inherit the kingdom of heaven. They run down the list of the 10 commandments and the young man has to be getting excited, because he has kept those commands. But, wait there is more! Jesus tells the rich young ruler, whom he loves mind you, “Sell everything you have, give it all to the poor, come follow me and store up treasures in heaven.†The rich young ruler loses heart and leaves because he has great wealth. Jesus, thinking is the complete opposite of the young ruler, as well as the disciples. Jesus tells the disciples that wealth cannot save us. “We have left everything to follow you.†The disciples say. They might as well have said, “We have left everything, because we thought you were going to make us rich.†The cup that Jesus drinks from is one of suffering! The rich young ruler was going to have to trade in his “tangible†results for the intangible, not yet seen results in heaven!!! Many walk away from Jesus today for this very same reason. I’m first to admit that I often struggle with a desire for immediate results in my obedience to God!
When my focus is on the immediate results that I think that I should obtain, such as I accepted Jesus, I turned my life around, I raised Jonathan as a godly mother . . . I, I, I . . . should have a son that succeeds in life and does not die. You owe me God for all that I sacrificed to follow you. This thinking is small, whereas God’s is so much bigger!!! Mark 10:45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.†My current suffering, the loss of my son will be to God’s glory! What if the suicide rate, the hopelessness felt by so many turns around because God allowed this suffering in my life? I know it is hard for us to embrace the truth that God works even horrid things in our life to his glory, but I have seen way too many examples of that occurring to dismiss it as “Christian sillinessâ€. Not the least of which is the Son of God, being mocked, lashed, and crucified by men and women wanting immediate results from this supposed king! Only to have Jesus turn the tables on death and save those very same people who put him on the cross. Over 2000 years later my faith is a result of Jesus’ suffering. I am grateful that God caused all of creation to be frustrated in sin, so that I now have hope that is not limited by circumstances and that I can offer that same hope to you.
Tally marks flickering in the darkness
Waiting for my wish . . .
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For regrets to be extinguished and
joy to sing once more.
For sweet icing to be a delightful treat,
not a heavy poison of despair.
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To surprise people with my flavor–
Strawberries snuck between living layers,
Moist with love, faith, and hope.
Giving fresh perspective to a new year
Of breathing in and out, a daily present opened faithfully.
John 11:35 “Jesus wept.”
“Oh let me join you in your tears.” Natalie said cheerfully bouncing over to me last night as I broke down in tears during prayer time. After some great weeks, I once again feel as if my heart can’t withstand the loss of Jonathan. The silence of his presence is deafening! Sometimes I just need someone to join me in my tears.
Jesus didn’t have to cry. He knew what he was about to do. He didn’t say, “Buck up Mary, don’t you trust God, don’t you trust me?” He missed Lazarus too. Jonathan may be in heaven, but his body is still here. I truly believe that God mourns with us our loss. It may be temporary, I am learning to see Jonathan’s death in light of eternity, but Jesus had eternity in mind and still wept. Loss is real, loss is present, and loss is ongoing. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I take comfort that Jesus joins me in my tears.
Revelation 7:17 For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’ ‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.'”
The water bill almost undid me last night. I have had a really good week since Mother’s Day and have been swimming confidently out to uncharted waters with Christ.
Brian excitedly stated, “I don’t know how, but our water bill dropped this year.â€
It took me a moment to realize why . . . “We don’t have a teenager using the water.†I quietly responded. Suddenly I was deeply weary. The busy week had not drained me, the amazing time with teenagers at the ranch had not brought me to my spiritual knees, and several days of not sleeping had not disabled me. No, it was a water bill. I wanted to disappear in that moment, not feel the grief that poured into my soul. I’d give anything to do Jonathan’s laundry or hear him singing from the shower as he got ready for school.
I realized that the best thing for me to do was to head on to bed. Nothing good was going to come from me sitting there dwelling on my heartache. I heard a woman wisely say, she set a consistent pattern of going to bed when her kids do, because she realized that anything past that time that her flesh was weakened.
Again I did not sleep well, but this morning I sought the Lord’s face and reread Matthew 5:4. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.†He gives me comfort through scripture, laughter with a friend, my husband and kids, as well as the discipline of writing this blog. Just to name a few. Tapping these resources today I clearly see that in less than a year there is a transition happening. The days of deep anguish are becoming . . . well . . . moments. Why? Developing discipline (just about a curse word for some of us), is shutting the door on death, and opening the roof for unfathomable faith, hope, and love. The more I experience these gifts, the more I long for them to finish their work.
Oh, my sweet son, you are experiencing these three things with Jesus! May I be a witness of that indestructible abundant life, promised on this side of heaven. May I grasp ahold and be strengthened by the truth that nothing is impossible for God. Amen.
Psalm 34:1-3
1I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2I will glory in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt his name together.
There is something amazing that happens when I extol the Lord in the midst of my affliction. My whole demeanor and outlook change. I have shifted from the impossible to all things are possible with God. Extol means to “lift up”. Good grief, I do not feel like lifting up anything or any one in the midst of my sorrow! I feel like shaking my fists at God and saying why did you take my son. I feel like ripping down others. I cannot tolerate God, others or myself.
When I extol, praise, glorify, rejoice, and exalt the character of God, I am acknowledging that he gave me his son! I am remembering that my hope lies in Him alone. I am recalling to mind all that he has done for me. Extol is not a pie in the sky mentality, it is an in the trenches, my circumstances suck, but I have a resource like no other discipline! David is praising God in this Psalm, in the aftermath of pretending that he was crazy to escape Abimelech. David wasn’t on his throne living the good life when he spoke these words; he was running for his life.
The Latin word for extol is tollere, which is also where we get our word tolerate. I can tolerate so much more in the light of God’s love for me, his sacrifice, and his perfect will for my life. I will extol the Lord at all times!
Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners Christ died for us.
I have a tree, just outside my office window that I love. When we first moved here, it was clearly diseased, but I just kept holding out as long as it had some semblance of life to it. A couple of years ago a tree expert gave it a death sentence and last year, it had a few branches with buds on them, but the rest was dead. Jonathan and I began to remove the tree. We trimmed the branches back to the trunk and Jonathan started cutting into the trunk, but because Jonathan was so ill, he got tired quickly and we took a break. That break extended out to this Spring.
Now the tree is loaded with new branches and full of leaves. In the midst of the very dead tree, life still existed, and where there is still life, there is still hope. Jesus died so that I could have abundant life, before I even knew that I was dead in my sins. Sometimes the weakness of our flesh must be trimmed, and the very marrow of our bones broken to reveal new life. Don’t give up, if there seems to be no fruit currently in your life.
Life Emerges from Death
You may be in a season of pruning, painful though it may be, the Lord promises a harvest in due season, if we do not give up. My little beautiful tree, is now a symbol, and it isn’t going anywhere!
The box of meaning is sifted, your fragrance
lingers
I’ve boiled off the excess and
let these treasures simmer
in my soul
weary
of searching for something missing
That never could
be boxed in.
Matthew 6:1 “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.
 Hi, my name is Karisa, and I am a recovering people-pleaser. It has been one minute since I drank my last complement. I loved the feedback that I received from a client this morning. “I hired a poet to write a business letter. I’m very smart cookie. She did an awesome job in a short period of time.â€
We are constantly getting input on how we are doing from our fellow man, but God’s review has to be the only feedback that counts. This is a serious stumbling block for me. I tend to beat myself up for mistakes, and struggle to have the same response no matter what criticism is received. I get sick to my stomach until I hear back that I’ve done a good job. Therefore, rather than writing each job to the glory of my Savior I am constantly needing a pat on the back to think I’m any good at writing. Jesus puts it bluntly. “Right living, wrong audience=no reward from God” Wow, there is no qualifier there. It doesn’t say that we receive less of a reward, it says “no’†reward. Why?
At the heart of hypocrisy is people pleasing. If I am doing things of God, but looking for man’s approval I will never be satisfied. I will have no reward in heaven because I am not concerned about heavenly things. We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. I will never measure up to the expectations of others, because none of us do! So why look for man’s approval, when that approval will always fall short of God’s? What can man give me that God cannot?
If only God were more public with his praise of us! But, instead Jesus tells us, He rewards in secret. (vs. 18) We are looking for immediate gratification; I want to see that what I am investing in is worthwhile, producing results, and having lasting effect.
Satisfaction with God’s approval alone. It is only when I seek my Heavenly Father first that all of these other things are added to me. Lord, I praise you for making me a writer. As I live a public witness through written word, may I seek your will in the quiet place that is just between you and I. Remove all hypocrisy from my life, writing, speech, and actions. Amen
National Suicide Hotline
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/