Marinated memories tenderized by time,
simmer and sizzle with laughter on the grill.
Still tender pink and moist with grief.
Yet, each bite bursting with the fresh flavor of hope.
Posts Categorized: suicide
“His middle name should be Patrick.” Jonathan said as I shared with him he was going to have a baby brother.
I liked the sound of Patrick, it fit well with Daniel. “Why Patrick?” I asked.
“Because your Irish, and this is one lucky baby!” Jonathan declared.
I have been insulating myself lately with numbness, but sooner or later the feeling creeps back in. My soul is crying out in anguish today. I miss you desperately my son. The only thing for my brokenness is to climb into my Daddy’s lap and allow him to rock me with the lullaby of scripture.
Psalm 13:5But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. 6I will sing to the LORD, Because He has dealt bountifully with me.
Psalm 69:3 I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.. . 13But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness.
Psalm 119:41 …40 Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me through Your righteousness. Vav. 41May Your lovingkindnesses also come to me, O LORD, Your salvation according to Your word; 42So I will have an answer for him who reproaches me, For I trust in Your word.…
Jeremiah 31:3 “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. 4“Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt, O virgin of Israel! Again you will take up your tambourines, And go forth to the dances of the merrymakers.…
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
John 21:15When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?†He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.†He said to him, “Feed my lambs.†16He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?†He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.†He said to him, “Tend my sheep.†17He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?†Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?†and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.†Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.”
“I don’t think anyone can understand what I’m going through, unless they have been there.”
“If you want to understand someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes.”
“You have such a good testimony. My faith has never been tested like that.”
I have heard statements like this for a long time and I didn’t realize why they make me cringe, until today. I state again, Jesus ate with sinners, but he did not become a sinner to understand our pain. I do not buy the idea that somehow, those who have not been touched in someway by suicide cannot understand my pain and grief. If you are in the flesh, you can understand. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
The effectiveness of our empathy for the broken comes from how closely we are relating to the love of God, not how much we relate to each other. I think I have just rebuffed about every method of psychology we use to address what ails us in that statement. If we really want to counter suicide and depression then we need to love like Jesus. Only then will we feed his sheep, sacrifice for others, take persecution and forgive our enemies.
The closer I draw to the love of my heavenly Father the more I love and am broken hearted for your pain and struggles. And, since there was no separation between Jesus and the love of God he loves us completely! This was the first truth I had to accept when I began walking with Jesus. Scripture is a love note from beginning to end, even the hard parts. From the beginning of creation God has loved us.
When Jesus asks you if you love him, what is your answer?
“At some point, everything’s gonna go south on you and you’re going to say, this is it. This is how I end. Now you can either accept that, or you can get to work. That’s all it is. You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem and you solve the next one, and then the next. And If you solve enough problems, you get to come home.” –Mark Watney (The Martian)
I have had a multitude of troubles thrown my way, but I can honestly say, I have never been stranded on Mars. In the early days after Jonathan’s death a friend asked, “How are you doing this? How are you able to function?”
My answer, “I’m not.”
I knew several things almost instantly the day Jonathan died.
- This was hell on earth.
- I could not stand in this furnace alone.
- I would grieve with hope.
Galatians 2:20“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”
I live, because Christ lives. The more I am crucified with Christ, my fleshly desire to have Jonathan alive dies. So many of us do not get over losing our children because it is a way of keeping them alive in our minds. God does not say, “Just get over it.” He mourns with us! At the same time he invites us to the realization that God will be glorified. We cannot stare longingly at the grave of our past and expect to resurrect what is not within God’s will. We must keep our eyes fixed upon the cross if we want to live.
I wrestle with this aspect of God’s character, but I also know he did not spare his own son. When Jesus started talking to the followers about “eating his flesh”, many walked away. (John 6:53) This is a hard teaching! Will I leave Jesus because I cannot fully get my mind around what he is asking of me? No! Who else in this world has changed my life. Who else has loved me like you? You are the Christ and my salvation is in you alone.
I am finding that the cross is the juxtaposition of Christ! Opposites collide on the cross– life and death, pain and pleasure, law and grace, sin and holiness, shame and glory. On the cross Jesus understands, both my deepest sorrow, and the heights of his fathers glory. And as I die my spirit is revealed more and more. I pray that I too, one day, can fully state. “Into your hands I commit my spirit.” I don’t have to scramble, alone, to solve enough problems to get home. Christ already solved them for me on the cross. I’m already home!
Hope, lit in abstract is easily
Snuffed out by passionate loneliness.
Attempts to breathe, clotted by
veins scarred by sorrow.
Eyes, scaled by experience and
Belief,
Closed in sleep against the cruelties
Of the world.
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I’m not afraid to climb into the ditch with you,
I’ve dug this grave before.
Grave digger turned grave robber.
Joined, a band of brothers and sisters, saturated
In the oil of faith,
searching tombs of darkness for a pulse, because you matter
To me.
The torch of our souls leaning close to
living corpses already making beds of graves.
Relentless in calling Lazarus from the
tomb. It is not your time yet.
I am hope, concrete with dirty fingers.
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Ecclesiastes 4:7Again, I saw vanity under the sun: 8one person who has no other, either son or brother, yet there is no end to all his toil, and his eyes are never satisfied with riches, so that he never asks, “For whom am I toiling and depriving myself of pleasure?†This also is vanity and an unhappy business.
9Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Shoveling snow would not have surprised me on December 23rd. Digging a trench to save our basement from flooding, however, was not on my Christmas list. We were in the path of the storm today thanks to El Nino. While we didn’t get the gloom and doom that weathercasters had been threatening us with all day, we did get heavy rains.
We had planned to go see the Peanuts movie tonight, but Daniel wasn’t feeling up to going so we set up shop in the basement. As the rain came down harder I began to be concerned about our window, a weak point in our backyard swamp. When we looked out the water was about three inches up the window.
We went into problem solving mode. Shovels, siphon, buckets, and building a damn. Think we have done this before? The kids begged for a job so we let them pick up the clods of dirt and carry it over to the weak point. Within a half an hour the window well was cleared, our trench pulled water away from the window, and four very wet and muddy humans trudged inside to get cleaned up.
It was amazing! I love my family and it is wonderful what we accomplish when we work together. Do you have your ditch digging team assembled? God did not create us to go it alone. Reach out to those around you. If you don’t have friends or family, begin the steps to develop friendships. You will make mistakes, pick yourself up and try again. My life changed drastically when I stopped being dominated by my fear of rejection. As I began to fall in love with Jesus, loving others became easier. Scripture is filled to the brim with fellowship. And if you see others who are isolated, reach into their world and be present with them. You don’t know what trenches they might be having to dig.
Blessings upon you this Christmas!
Your friend,
Karisa
I cannot turn the page on suicide alone. None of us can. I value your experiences, your challenges, the depth of your own sorrows and your resilience! Please do not hesitate to contact me with your concerns, suggestions and experiences of hope in the midst of grief or depression.
Thank you for reading and turning the page on suicide with me!
Sincerely,
Karisa
Amidst the darkness of hovering grief, cold
reality collides with warm consciousness,
like atoms birthing a new creation in the deep.
Fall is my favorite season, and as I walked through the woods I was reminded of why. It isn’t just the fall colors, or the cool nip in the air that revive and remind me of the divine. It is that even in death, life is given.
Take this log for example. It is teeming with life! Fall reminds me that death is not the end of God’s story. There are millions of possibilities that lay hidden beneath the surface ready to burst forth and display his provision and splendor.
Some of us feel like an empty shell, or like this fallen log! I declare to you with complete confidence that there are a million seeds of life planted inside you ready to spring forth! I once thought that I was without purpose, but I see clearly that life is in every cell of my being! I want to give that life to you.
Allow this season to be one of hidden possibilities. Trust God’s provision for your life and let him reveal the life growing inside of you.
Love you dearly!
(Shared on Facebook October 21, 2015)
Didn’t know I was talking to suicide,
goodbye was not on my lips.
“See you this afternoon”
promised more time.
Silence
breathed on the line between us
Like a to-be-continued story
never completed . . .
You hung
up while I still wait for
the afternoon to come.
National Suicide Hotline
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/