Posts Categorized: suicide

Out of the Darkness Walk: Who Will Walk With Me?

Today is the day of my second Out of the Darkness Walk. My team is assembled and so far we have raised over $500 dollars. Walking to Turn the Page on Suicide is filled with hope! It may be one by one that we bring others out of the darkness, depression and suicide struggles are unique to each person, but this illness forces us to see others as individuals. There is no formula that will fix the epidemic. Three things I know are absolutes–LOVE, FAITH, and HOPE. Without these three core values I will falter and fail.

I was reminded this week that sometimes my need for immediate results makes me so short sighted. God’s perspective is above time and I can’t see two inches away from my face. Galatians 6:9-10:

9Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. 10So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.

Love, faith and hope are in this race for the long haul! Not a short sprint. Jesus came so that we may have life, abundant life and for some of us it takes time for us to accept abundant life. He was willing to go into places that “clean” people just wouldn’t go. Are you and I willing to do the same? Remember, as we offer all that we have to one lost sheep, we know that we do not walk alone.

It took me 20 years to accept abundant life. Many men and women planted seeds along the way. Some of them do not know how valuable there moments with me were, but I do! The Holy Spirit went ahead of these Christians to plow the hardened field of my heart so that one day a little plant emerged, then another, and then another. As I walk today planting seeds in the dark ground of depression and suicide, I hope, I love, and I have faith . . .

Breathing Life Into Your Reflections

Caught a glimpse of you today

mirrored in another

standing in your

shoes, your smock,

your hat,

ready to

serve me

My son introduced

you to my pain

building kinship

to his brother hanging

on the wall.

fringe familiarity

blinked back at me

“I shared a bus.”

You acknowledged

Grief heaved

a heavy sigh of

silence between us.

How are you?

Questioning the

son I can longer ask

Willing another still

breathing to

value each breath

Embracing Photos

Embracing Photos

Being a Lamp in the Darkness

After reading a fellow poet’s haunting work I prepared a response to the darkness that lights her world, and once lit my own.

I have lived in darkness,

wrapped up in the blanket of its truth, smothered

hope and shut out liars

who offer to light my way with burnt

out candles of philosophy. I thought that I had insulated

myself from darkness by embracing its truth. Nothing begets nothing–

we’re all dead anyway.

Until

fear mastered my taste buds, and my

craving was bitterness.

 

I begged death to

swallow me whole and it did.

Soul crushing pain that I could

never quite medicate out of existence.

Death was my hope.

 

But there was a persistent, pesky light

that didn’t care if I trusted. The warmth of its glow stayed constant

when others faded away.  Like an inn at the end of a long

journey, it offered rest from

my aching confusion.

 

The lantern brought me from the woods

of my tangled shadows.

Secure in its source,

in its never changing nature

a humble truth never experienced in my boasting

darkness of doubt. It didn’t demand I believe, nor

did it exact the price of darkness. It paid in full every

debt I owed. This light didn’t scramble as I did,

to snuff out pain. It bore it. . . .willingly.

It hung in the darkness for me.

I have never experienced such light.

A state of being, rather than doing, a love

that pursues

Rather than playing hide-and-seek.

 

My soul caught fire as I warmed by the fire

of its glory,

I am a light to you in the darkness

Inviting warmth and freedom to the darkest souls.

Past or Present: The Finish Line is Ahead not Behind Us

Grief is not made for fence sitters. At this level it will either make or break you, there really is no in-between.. Grief reveals what you believe in your heart and then begs the question, “What are you going to do about it?” Do we define ourselves by what is taken from us or by what God has given to us?

Last night I melted down. Not because of bad things, but because through Jonathan’s death others, also deeply struggling,  are choosing life. As good and amazing as those miracles are, I found myself saying, but I want Jonathan! Natural right.

Actually those of us who believe in Jesus Christ, who are being led by the Spirit and not our nature, need to be maturing towards believing death where is your sting! Otherwise, every time I am reminded of what I have lost rather than what has been gained, I am undone, derailed–my faith unravels. For some this may sound a bit uncompassionate, but let me give you some clear examples of what I’m talking about.

Would you want a surgeon operating on you who couldn’t get past the patient he just attempted to save that didn’t make it? Or would you marry someone still pining over the boy or girlfriend that they didn’t marry? That would be miserable!

I am a miserable Christian if I am still burying my dead and not following Jesus’ example.

Philippians 3: 11that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.. . .13Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

The power of the resurrection is that what lies ahead is far greater than anything we leave behind! Like Paul I cannot claim that I have made this power central to my character yet. I have the head knowledge of this truth, but it has not penetrated my heart. The Lord has revealed (vs. 15) that heaven, and being with Jesus forever is still very abstract to me. But, Father I ask that you become my finish line! Open my eyes wide to your truth, your love and help me to mature in faith. May I become more focused on the living and celebrate with you that life is springing forth from Jonathan’s death. You are keeping your promise to me. Amen!

The Void of Your Presence

The void of your presence

Presses hard into my thoughts today

Jumbling the jigsaw pieces

Within my fragilely framed reality.

How can I ever complete this puzzle

without you?

Hero or Realist?

1 Peter 3:8To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; 9not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.

Older brother dies in war, younger rebellious brother inherits his dog–insert tears here. Brian, the kids and I went to see the movie Max today. The key transition for the main character: Was he a hero like his brother, or a realist like the man who let his brother die? The realist perspective (according to the bad guy in the movie, mind you) is that there are a lot of bad people (politicians) sending “wide eyed” boys off to war only to hand guns off to the very people that they sent you to fight. He is not wrong about the facts, but he is wrong about the final outcome, and the best response to evil in the world.

Who is the realist, the one who acknowledges that the world can be a harsh, unjust, selfish and crappy place or the one who knows that all have fallen and choses to rise above and bring others up by their example?

I have been wronged and I have wronged others. Does that excuse me to have the “if you can’t beat them, join them attitude”? No, what it does mean is that I have a choice. I have been angry this week, and nursing the anger at those who hurt Jonathan. I am not on autopilot Christianity! I am susceptible to question God’s justice in all of this.

I can choose to be a hero and love my enemies, or I can join the “realists” and be bitter, vengeful and settle for less than God’s best for me and others.

Father, remove this anger from me. Move my soul towards compassion for those who have harmed my son. May I forgive, because you have forgive me. May I be a hero of love and not a realist of hate. Amen

Out of the Darkness Walk

I am participating in my second walk on October 18th, sponsored by AFSP. Be sure and check for Out of the Darkness Walks in your area. If you would like to donate to my team click on Turn the Page on Suicide. Our goal this year is $2000! The funds support research, support for those who suffer depression and those who endure the aftermath of suicide.

I was hesitant in participating last year in the walk because I was only months out from my son’s death. I am so glad I went and I look forward to supporting others who may also just be starting their walk as survivors.

Blessings upon you.

Karisa

Hugging Photos Isn’t Enough

Daniel hugged the plaque of Jonathan that hung at Moe’s Restaurant this weekend. His heartache was so evident in his attempt to embrace his brother. When that did not satisfy, as we walked out the door he reached for Natalie.

“Here Natalie, you be Jonathan so I can hug you.”

Sigh, I want so badly to fill their little arms. Oh Lord, they need flesh and bones Jonathan, fill them with the satisfaction of your embrace. Hold them tight! Keep them safe from the darkness.

God is a god Who Embraces, Get Used to It!

Ecclesiastes 3:4 A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. 5A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. 6A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. . .

Philippians 3: 12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.

I am not just a survivor of suicide, I am a survivor of abuse. When you have layer upon layer of trauma quirks are bound to follow. I can give hugs all day to others, but struggle to accept an embrace. At the core is a desire for control. God is a god who embraces! When I began my relationship with Jesus this was a major issue between him and I. It is one thing to invite Jesus into your heart and it is another to allow him to take up residence. When Jesus embraces, I am faced with a God I cannot control. For many years I have squirmed in his arms, not sure I trust his justice, his love, his passion and compassion for me. But lets face it, his character will never fit into my arms. He embraced me from the cross before I was ever born!

When I had my miscarriage, God went ahead of my loss to prepare comfort. Natalie Grant’s new song “Held” had just come out, and I remember thinking what a comfort it would be for those who experience the loss of a child. A month later I miscarried. I listened to that song over and over allowing my heavenly daddy to hold me in a way I had never allowed before. I found out more about his character in those moments and came to see, in this world I will have troubles, but he has overcome the world. This is a season that I must once again settle into. I need to be held by God and his people.

Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary has a fabulous take on Lamentations 3:1-10:

To expect unchanging happiness in a changing world, must end in disappointment.

My world keeps changing. The question is, will I shake off what lays in the past and lay ahold of the one who has embraced me. Because God is a god who embraces and he gives us the opportunity to get used to being held.

Suicide & Prevention Hotline

National Suicide Hotline

If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/