Posts Tagged: fear

Love, the Remedy for Second Hand Depression

Job 30:15“Terrors are turned against me; They pursue my honor as the wind, And my prosperity has passed away like a cloud. 16“And now my soul is poured out within me; Days of affliction have seized me. 17“At night it pierces my bones within me, And my gnawing pains take no rest.…

What do we do when loved ones are giving up on life? Is there such a thing as secondhand depression? Yes, I believe that there is. Like Job’s wife, do we respond, “Curse God and die.”? I don’t think she said those things because she hated Job. I believe she had given into fear. Fear of the circumstances, fear of the onslaught, and fear of loss. She was like Ruth’s mother-in-law, telling her people to no longer call her Naomi, but to call her Marah (Bitter).  We are asking, what kind of God allows this kind of suffering?!

The last year with Jonathan was hard! His personality changed so completely that sometimes he said awful things to us. He refused medical care, and he fought mightily with a desire to give up. I was on my knees crying out to God so many times that I was often horse. At moments the fear of losing Jonathan was more tangible than God’s presence, and I struggled to love. Fear and love cannot occupy the same space; fear is a cancer, mimicking normal cells of concern so that we don’t fight its systematic takeover of our ability to love. But fight we must! I don’t mean strive and claw our way out of depression, I’m talking about LETTING GOD FIGHT FOR US. Only when I finally handed Jonathan’s wellbeing over to God could I finally love my son, come what may. Those last few months were the best they could be between the two of us.

Mother Theresa and the Sister’s of Charity ministered with love, to those often cursing back at them as they were dying. I have been studying her character for a while, and I am learning how much depression is based on control and conditions. I want to be in control and I am depressed when I am not. We want to be loved back! But oh the power to change the world, when we love from the vantage point of the cross. Are you in the midst of loving someone who may never love you back? Well God has been doing that since the creation of the world. For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only son. That whosoever believes in him, shall not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16) That kind of love is the model for how we are to love those who are struggling with depression. Accepting His love which has no possible repayment is the cure for secondhand depression. Loving like Christ is productive suffering!

Sin Repellent, Not to Christ

Daniel got caught sneaking a brownie after I told him no more sweets. When I confronted him he cursed the brownie for making him eat it, then he cursed Satan, then he cursed Adam and Eve for their original sin. Finally, when he realized that none of those were responsible he put his hand up, turn and said, “Get away from me Mom, I’m sinful.”

Oh, dear reader you may standing there with your hand up to Christ declaring, “Leave me, get away from me, I am too far gone, I am beyond repair, I am unworthy of love. Christ, You are too pure and holy to eat at my table, or come into my home.”

Instead of repelling God, he draws close to us!  Example after example of a Jesus response to sinners recorded in scripture. He ate with tax collectors (IRS), allowed prostitutes and those cast outside the city gates to touch him. Peter, one of Jesus’ disciples participated in a Jesus miracle, and he realized that the only reason that there were fish now flopping around in his empty boat was Jesus. Luke 5:8 But when Simon Peter saw that, he fell down at Jesus’ feet, saying, “Go away from me Lord, for I am a sinful man,, O Lord!”

We don’t have to guess how Jesus responds to our sin filled lives, scripture spells it out. vs. 10 “And Jesus said to Simon, “Do not fear, from now on you will be catching men.” In this moment Jesus does not address Peter’s dirty laundry, he goes after his fear. We Christians really need to take note of this! The Pharisees approached sin with the mindset: Get clean first, which is impossible, and then we will allow you in. Too often this is our approach to the those who, like Peter, already know they are broken. Jesus offers different criteria: Follow me.

That is how God approached me. “Follow me and all of these other things will be added to you! Let me show the possibilities of your life in relationship with mine. Don’t be afraid, today I call you to follow me and I will teach you to catch men.”  None of us is beyond his redemption. So . . . come follow me reader and let me open your eyes to the FACT that nothing is impossible for Him.

 

 

Whom Do You Fear?

Luke 12:4-5 “I say to you, My friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that have no more that they can do. 5“But I will warn you whom to fear: fear the One who, after He has killed, has authority to cast into hell; yes, I tell you, fear Him! 6“Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.…

Whom do you fear this Halloween? There is a house on my street my kids avoid every year because things in the yard move and jump out at them. Is it the monsters under the bed, or the person that sucks the life out of you because they are harsh and abusive in words or deed?

Real or imagined we all have fears. I’m afraid of heights and being trapped in small spaces. I battle the fear of losing the rest of my family because of Jonathan’s death. All of these are earthly fears, and they will one day, literally, pass away. These fears often cause us to avoid God, hurt others, or hurt ourselves. Some of you live in the most painful of realities. But there is one fear that is life changing, one fear that should be more tangible than what torture life may put us through.

It is the fear of the Lord.

Unlike earthly fears, we are transformed by this relationship founded upon fear! “He is not a tame lion, but he is good.” (Mr. Beaver, The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe)

Take a look at these verses:

Proverbs 14:26 In the fear of the LORD is strong confidence: and his children shall …

Psalm 19:9 The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever. The

Revelation 14:7 Saying with a loud voice, Fear God, and give glory to him; for the …

2 Chronicles 19:7 Fear the LORD and judge with integrity, for the LORD our God does not tolerate
perverted justice, partiality, or the taking of bribes.”

Job 28:28 He has commanded mankind: ‘To fear the Lord—that is wisdom; to move away from evil—that is understanding.'”

Amos 3:8 The lion has roared; who will not fear? The Lord GOD has spoken; who can but prophesy

Proverbs 14:27The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, turning a person from the snares of death.

What are the results of fearing God?

fear = strong confidence

fear = worship

fear = wisdom

fear = pure, enduring forever

fear = integrity

fear = prophesy

fear = life

Fear of God releases us from the fear of man or anything else that may intend us harm on this earth!

Being a Lamp in the Darkness

After reading a fellow poet’s haunting work I prepared a response to the darkness that lights her world, and once lit my own.

I have lived in darkness,

wrapped up in the blanket of its truth, smothered

hope and shut out liars

who offer to light my way with burnt

out candles of philosophy. I thought that I had insulated

myself from darkness by embracing its truth. Nothing begets nothing–

we’re all dead anyway.

Until

fear mastered my taste buds, and my

craving was bitterness.

 

I begged death to

swallow me whole and it did.

Soul crushing pain that I could

never quite medicate out of existence.

Death was my hope.

 

But there was a persistent, pesky light

that didn’t care if I trusted. The warmth of its glow stayed constant

when others faded away.  Like an inn at the end of a long

journey, it offered rest from

my aching confusion.

 

The lantern brought me from the woods

of my tangled shadows.

Secure in its source,

in its never changing nature

a humble truth never experienced in my boasting

darkness of doubt. It didn’t demand I believe, nor

did it exact the price of darkness. It paid in full every

debt I owed. This light didn’t scramble as I did,

to snuff out pain. It bore it. . . .willingly.

It hung in the darkness for me.

I have never experienced such light.

A state of being, rather than doing, a love

that pursues

Rather than playing hide-and-seek.

 

My soul caught fire as I warmed by the fire

of its glory,

I am a light to you in the darkness

Inviting warmth and freedom to the darkest souls.

Assurance Policy

I’ve taken out an assurance policy.
It cost me my life, but
the after death benefits are divine.
The plan promises abundant
life on earth.

There is no fine print,
I can count on provision
no matter my circumstances.

I don’t have to haggle with the
Agent, though sometimes I do ask
for clarification.
Everything is covered:

  • Floods
  • Calamity
  • Loss
  • Marriage
  • Kids
  • Death

My assurance agent
Is available 24 hours a day and backs claims

in writing.
He’s really poured out his blood and sweat into

this policy.
He has been in business for eternity,
His love gives peace of mind
And confidence.
I can walk this earth
no longer chained to fear.

Sometimes it Doesn’t Matter That We are Walking on Water, We See the Wind and Sink

1 John 4:18There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 19We love, because He first loved us.…

Sometimes it doesn’t matter that we are walking on water towards Jesus–we see the wind and sink. Fear is a constant threat in my world. My oldest son potentially had an undiagnosed metabolic disorder that may have contributed to his mental state; his brother, shows some of the same symptoms. Tuesday night he woke up screaming in pain. Since, I have felt fear pressing in, leaning into my thoughts, promising me more loss, more heart ache, more sorrow. Fear is the opposite of love. When I fear losing my family, I am not loving them.

As fear consumes love it becomes easier to lash out, let our thoughts run us, and to lose sight of God! Fear was the very first reaction to God in the garden by Adam and Eve. Genesis 3:10 And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” Peter sunk while walking on water because he saw the wind and was afraid, he took his eyes off Jesus. (Matthew 14:30) We forget that God loves us from head to toe. Last night my entire family was exploding at each other. The fear was becoming more concrete, and love more abstract.

I don’t remember consciously crying out to God, but I must have, because in an instant the fear was gone. I don’t know how else to describe that moment. One second I was raging because I felt so helpless to fix what’s wrong for my son, and the next I wasn’t. I was overwhelmed by love and peace flowing from the inside out and I was equipped to spread that peace to the rest of my family.

The circumstances haven’t changed! My son still potentially has a deadly illness and my daughter and husband most certainly do, but I am not afraid. God will find a way through these circumstances, and I will follow that path. I love the line from the movie Scorpion King,, as Jesup faces certain death he tells his brother Mathayus to “Live Well,” and his brother responds, “Die free.” God wants us to live well and die free. We cannot do that if we are afraid, we negate the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross and allow fear to rule our actions.  In Romans 8, Paul describes our bondage before Christ, as being a “slave to fear”. Perfect love casts out all fear! How do we love perfectly?

Dwell on the fact that God loves you right where you are, and that he came for us while we were nailing him to the cross. Like Monty Python’s Black Knight we can say concerning all circumstances–including death, “Tis but a scratch!” But, unlike Monty Python, its no joke.

Depression, Calloused Hand that Smothers Me

Snuffed out breath

Awakened in night’s soul

pressed into the cradle of  my husband,

Pierced in the heart of rest

that never comes

Peace that never wakes

that smells of death

even as I scream for

life.

Hearing my own sweat

my own terror dripping

like tears from my cheek

longing for the nightmare

of sorrow to end and for the calloused hand

to release my throat to sing.

Finding One Little Lost Sheep

Luke 15: 1,7 Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him.Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him.. . .Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.

Natalie was missing for 45 minutes. A late afternoon trip to the zoo turned into a nightmare, as one instant she was beside me, and the next she was not. I wish I could claim that my faith held me together, but God was not the first thing I ran to. Fear was my companion for the search. I realized in an instant that I have come to expect loss—that is a story for me to figure out another day.

Daniel and I hunted for five minutes, but to no avail, so we flagged security who confidently assured me that they would find her. The young man who stayed with me had barely shaken the dust of his teens, he was way out of his depth with me. He had enough sense to realize that I needed to search rather than stand there and wait.

“Ouch, you’re holding my hand too tight,” Daniel complained. “Is that because your scared for Natalie?”

“Sorry kiddo,” I said, realizing that I needed to find a safe place for him while we searched. I dropped him off with the original staff member we had flagged and the teen-adult and I relayed Natalie’s description around the park. At first there was constant chatter as the net of people spread out to different locations.

Then the drought of silence.

My thoughts threatened to send me over the edge so I began jabbering to the teen-adult. We searched in all of Natalie’s favorite places until I could tell the teen-adult’s confidence waning, and he was running out of ways to keep me hopeful.

“When is it time to call the police.” I asked.

“It is getting close.” he answered honestly.

My husband arrived from work and called to join the search. The staff was starting to look through the parking lot.

Finally my cellphone vibrated again. “I’ve found her.”

She was happily playing, oblivious of our fear, oblivious that she had been missing for 45 minutes.

My husband told me later that staff walked right past her.

How is that possible?
Sometimes we don’t look lost. Natalie was happily playing and there were lots of parents on the plaza.
Jesus told the parable of the lost sheep because the Pharisees were complaining that he was hanging out with sinners. He should be more concerned about those who are staying with the flock. Right? I’ve got news for you Pharisees, not a single one of us is without sin and need of repentance. We don’t know we are in danger, we are going through life believing that we can do it all. We don’t need anyone’s help. It takes a shepherd who knows that we are prone to walk off cliffs or into a lions den. Jesus doesn’t just search, he celebrates when we are found!

There are over 7 billion people on this planet; what’s one little lamb when you have a whole herd of sheep? Who would climb cliffs, face lions, keep searching for just one of us? Only one God will do that!

Independent little Natalie didn’t know that she was lost yesterday. I’m grateful that we have a shepherd who will keep searching for us, even when we are wander away from his love and protection.

45 MINUTES OF MISSING YOU

Blue Men and Women

conducted a BOLD LETTER search

for the little sheep hiding amid the pride of lions

while the mother feared she had been devoured

Layers of loss struggled to hope

Squawks of Marco

Polo volleyed

Until the hunters exhausted of the game

Silence

ticked by until the question must be asked

Is it time?

Almost, the faint reply

The vibration of a kindred searcher woke

the mother from her fears

“I have her”

relief rushed to restore order

She was laughing amongst lions

Oblivious of danger

Nor fragile with fear

Depression, my Jericho Wall: How do I defeat my enemy?

Joshua 5:13 When Joshua was by Jericho, he lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, a man was standing before him with his drawn sword in his hand. And Joshua went to him and said to him, “Are you for us, or for our adversaries?” 14And he said, “No; but I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come.” And Joshua fell on his face to the earth and worshiped and said to him, “What does my lord say to his servant?” 15And the commander of the Lord’s army said to Joshua, “Take off your sandals from your feet, for the place where you are standing is holy.” And Joshua did so.

The wall! I expect it these days, so I don’t go running into it full force,but sometimes it looms so large I can’t breathe. I don’t know what caused this wall of depression, maybe starting another round of insomnia,my kids grief, or my own. It is so real I can see it and touch it. I can’t go further, and I refuse to go backwards, so what are my options?

My option is to cry out to my heavenly father! I cannot move, climb over, or go around this wall, but he can. In college I was reading about Joshua in my Navigator Bible; the caption spoke about the ruins of Jericho. The way the stones are positioned it is clear that the walls fell outward, not inward. A mighty force pushed from the inside!

I need a mighty force knocking down the wall of depression from the inside. If we are in Christ we have a mighty warrior on the inside–the Holy Spirit!

Acts 2:1When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. 2Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. 3They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. 4All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tonguesa as the Spirit enabled them.

Much of what has transpired since the death of my son has been through the Comforter (another name for the Holy Spirit). I thank you father for what you have done, what you are doing, and what you will do. Direct my path so that I may be a living witness to your power and strength over depression. This is my Jericho wall! You are a force to be reckoned with and no wall can stand against you.  Maybe you have allowed this wall in my life to show others that nothing is too big for you! Not our doubts, not our fears, not our enemies, not depression–nothing can separate us from your love! Thank you for giving me your peace, that makes absolutely no sense in these circumstances. Teach me to abide in your will no matter where you lead me. Amen!

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