I love hiking the trails out our local nature parks. I don’t think, I don’t worry, and I don’t plot and plan. I am a child, with a camera and my God becomes bigger than my depression, insomnia and grief. Time stands still as I breath more deeply and gain new perspective.
Comment about some of your favorite parks or trails. How does nature expand your faith and shrink your depression?
Hearing
The study my Sunday class is doing on Romans 12 is becoming an intricate part of my journey in full surrender.
Instrumental in redefining surrender for me.
Navigator Hand Illustration
Bible Reading
Studying
Acts 9:
Summary:
God physically stops Saul’s murderous plans in his tracks and introduces him to the gospel. Through visions, God leads the right people: Ananias and Barnabas to minister to and guide Paul. Much to the surprise of everyone, including Jesus’ disciples, Paul begins passionately preaching the good news, just as passionately as he had opposed it.
How does this apply to me?
That same power is offered to all who believe. The requirements are to believe in Jesus, that he rose from the grave, and he sits at the right hand of the father. His will happens no matter what, even if he has to blind us or derail my agenda. I am to surrender to his will, above my own and his glory is revealed through becoming a living sacrifice.
Memorize:
Meditate:
“Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth” (Psalm 46:10, KJV).
“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service” (Romans 12:1, KJV).
Proverbs 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.
The Problem
Lost.
That word evokes so many things. Fear, flashbacks, loneliness, and panic. For me it means I’m not meeting someone’s expectation and I tend to get agitated and more lost. I was in a new and unfamiliar area today and I might have well been on Mars. I have a debilitating fear of asking for help in these situations. But, I pulled into Kroger’s parking lot and called the imaging center. She gave me directions from there, including landmarks (all of which I found by the way), but I was at a different Kroger. I wasn’t even close to the location. Even more lost.
Directions often get jumbled in my brain and the GPS didn’t help, it sent me to their previous location. So you have one lost, flustered woman, trying to get to an unknown destination. To add insult to injury, I really needed to go to the bathroom! I stopped at two locations, but neither had a public bathroom. One gave me directions to the imaging place, though. So I tried again.
Nope, wrong imaging place. Then came the aha moment.
“God, I surrender to you that I am lost.”
We have been working on taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ since the day I said I was ALL IN, three weeks ago. I had multiple problems to address. Which one was the most pressing and easiest to relieve? Yes the pun is not lost on me. I was late, that was certain. A few more minutes wasn’t going to change that fact. I walked into the wrong imaging center and used their bathroom. Now, to the desk to explain my situation and get proper directions from people who live in the area. She wrote out directions and gave me distinct landmarks. (Mental note, return to this imaging center if I give up on the other). I returned my car with a fresh new perspective.
I called the office and asked if there was any point in trying to make it to them, or should I return home. They could still fit me in. No longer flustered, I found my way.
The Lesson
Can I surrender to being lost? In other words, can I surrender to being vulnerable and human in the sight of God and others? Part of what God is teaching me about surrender is that there are no “have to s”. I am already loved, already chosen, and already found! This kind of lost was a temporary circumstance. I already have experienced being so lost that I thought cutting, alcohol, sex, anorexia, and finally suicide, would somehow help me to find my way out. The biblical directions, might as well been for Martians. I neither understood this God who was seeking me, nor that I was that one sheep that he left his whole flock for.
I am no longer, permanently lost. Now, I am safe, secure, and most certainly not alone in a foreign land, because God is with me. I have directions for living in this life and the promise of the new life to come. I can have joy in this moment of being temporarily lost because he knows my struggle and makes my path straight.
You are already loved, even if you feel lost right now, he has chosen you, and may my testimony be a landmark in your journey. You can cry out to be found, even from the darkest pit.
My child.
Shake depression’s dust from
your travel beaten soul and bathe in
my pure love. Let me pour my healing fragrance
over your wounds and give you rest.
I plucked you from the orphanage
of death and clothed you in the rich threads
of royalty. Everything I have is yours– I withhold
nothing of myself from you.
I have worn your dust, and know your
sin beaten sorrow. I lift your downcast face, to see the
crowning glory of my new day
reflected in the creation of you.
1 Peter 5:6-10 ESV Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
No, I’m not AWOL, I’m just trading my fake pearls in for the real ones.
God has been tearing down some false beliefs about what it means to surrender. When you hear that word do you hear loss, defeat, giving in? That’s what I heard when he first began bringing that word to the forefront. Do I believe God wants good things for me, and am I willing to give up everything to receive what he has for me? What does he have for me? Will I follow him through circumstances the world deems as bad?
These are the questions God is answering currently in my life. Starting Monday I’ll begin to share with you the journey of surrender Jesus is walking me through and how it relates to battling depression.
For now, take one of the above questions, or bring up your own questions about surrender and comment below. I’d love to hear your first thoughts on surrender.
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.—Alfred Lord Tennyson
If you love, it’s guaranteed that you will also have loss. All things, including relationships, pass away. So is loving worth the grief we suffer? God thought so. So much so, that he was willing to come in the form of a baby, be hunted, persecuted and died and was raised, all to demonstrate his love for us. It is that kind of suffering life that changed my destructive pattern and opened my eyes to the love of Christ and therefore his love for all mankind.
I had already begun this post when the following happened:
Daniel: Mom, can I ask you a question? . . . Oh, never mind.
Me: Daniel, please go ahead, it’s okay.
Daniel: Is all this bad stuff we are going through even worth it? I mean, what’s the point?
Me: Do you mean, what was the point of loving Jonathan if we were only going to lose him?
Daniel: Yah, and Sonya too (our dog is in the last stages of dying.)
Me: All I can tell you is my own experience. I spent the first part of my life trying to avoid pain and it never worked. I didn’t know how to give or receive love. But Jonathan changed everything for me. Suddenly my eyes were open to God’s love, and though there was still pain, I didn’t try to avoid it. Actually I grew stronger and loved deeper because of it. So yes, I definitely believe that loving Jonathan or Sonya was worth more than the heartache we are experiencing now.
Daniel: You wouldn’t be standing here talking to me right now if you hadn’t made that choice.
Me: Exactly. Think of it this way. You’ve asked me how is it possible to love you when you are unkind to me. It’s because God loved me that way.
My experience is enough to convince me that no matter how deep the sorrow, opening my heart all the wider is worth it.
Suffering doesn’t equal punishment, it equals perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that we are complete, not lacking anything. Life is not happenstance; it is a beautiful woven design. I just kept looking at the backside with all the ugly knots. It is in keeping our distance from God that we are most deeply wounded, not in drawing close to Him!
IÂ loved Jonathan and losing him hurts worse than any torture you could put me through on this earth, but I agree with the poet whole heartedly. My life is better for loving God, and therefore opening my heart to my children, and mankind.
Joshua 1 1-9 After the death of Moses the servant of God, God spoke to Joshua, Moses’ assistant:
“Moses my servant is dead. Get going. Cross this Jordan River, you and all the people. Cross to the country I’m giving to the People of Israel. I’m giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on—just as I promised Moses. From the wilderness and this Lebanon east to the Great River, the Euphrates River—all the Hittite country—and then west to the Great Sea. It’s all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I’ll be with you. I won’t give up on you; I won’t leave you. Strength! Courage! You are going to lead this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors. Give it everything you have, heart and soul. Make sure you carry out The Revelation that Moses commanded you, every bit of it. Don’t get off track, either left or right, so as to make sure you get to where you’re going. And don’t for a minute let this Book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you’ll get where you’re going; then you’ll succeed. Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.†(The Message)
____________ is dead! Who or what in your life have you been following for so long that even when they are dead and buried, you are still trying to follow rather than taking the role of leader? Even though Joshua was anointed by God to take over after Moses, he is afraid to take over the tribes of Israel who have proven the are prone to wonder off the path God has set before them.
Moses has brought them to the doorstep of the promised land. It is now Joshua’s job to claim the promised land. You and I have the same choice before us. The Lord anointed his disciples to go into all the nations and make disciples (Matthew 28). Since I accept that God is sovereign in my free will, and therefore, I believe that he will bring beautiful things out of my son’s death, it is now my job to lay claim to his promises. My story didn’t end with Jonathan’s death, any more than yours stop with whatever chapter has been closed in your life. So how do we move forward? How do we lay claim to all God has in store for his people?
Moses’ credentials include:
And Joshua’s leadership is to follow all of this!!! His credentials include:
Do you feel insignificant to the call God has placed on your life? And, how do you determine when something is dead?
God declares the things of our past are DEAD! You were a cutter, that is dead. I despaired of life, that is dead. Be strong and courageous! And it isn’t a request, it’s a command. Obedience isn’t based on feelings, it is base on mission. There are things in front of you and I, and our part in the story of God is not an option. I see throughout scripture that though God is flexible with our weaknesses, there are times such as calling of people like, Moses, Joshua, or Jonah, disobedience is not an option.
In turning the page on depression and suicide, looking back, feeling inadequate to the task God has clearly called me to is not an option. So today I declare, Jonathan is dead, and lay claim to the beauty from ashes that God has set before me. There are walls to come down, there is a real enemy to defeat and God is with me, he will not leave or forsake me. What in your life do you need to declare is dead and lay claim to mission and commission God has placed on your life?
2 Corinthians 1:8We do not want you to be unaware, brothers, about the hardships we encountered in the province of Asia. We were under a burden far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.
Today my family witnessed the aftermath of a suicide off a highway overpass. My heart breaks for the young man and all who loved him!
Lord, you witness all of our brokenness and sorrow! You are not distant from our pain. Put a hedge of protection, around the children, taken away from him moments before he jumped, and the witnesses of his last moments. Soften the memories for the first responders so that they can rest deeply in your arms tonight. Father, I cry out to you, end the curse of depression and suicide!
I know you are in control. I know that your timing is perfect! But, move quickly to turn our sorrow to singing! God, you do not always spare us from our brokenness, and I struggle with why you linger. My mind cannot fathom, why you spared me from suicide, but not my son, or the young man today. I trust your sovereignty, though I do not understand it! As it took many years for Joseph to understand the wide berth of his dreams, I do not see all that you are doing with my circumstances. May I be aware of those struggling around me.
Teach me to rest content in your arms, though my circumstances crash around me. Amen
Romans 5:5The Message (MSG)
3-5 There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
Do you honestly feel as if there is more to come? I struggled with believing this passage when it seems like around every corner is more trouble, more pain, and more sickness. I feel shortchanged!
Yesterday, while surrounded by the prayers of our church family, I began to grasp that God is breaking me of all that hinders my passionate patience, tempered virtue and creating in me an alertness to the goodness of God. Notice that it doesn’t say I, it says WE. I’ve been trying to shout on my own and I am getting hoarse. It is in community that the consistent and fervent prayers reveal the purest form of perseverance. We need each other! Since our battle is not against flesh and blood our weapons are not of this world. Satan knows my weakness is my family’s health. My faith seems to fall apart when their sickness increases. I need others to remind me that Satan does not have the last word!
I ask for prayers for Daniel, his reflux has worsened and he will be scoped on Wednesday.
I ask for prayers for Brian as he develops discipline in doing his vertigo exercises and wisdom for the doctors caring for him.
I ask for prayers for my insomnia, that I will develop healthy sleep habits.
I ask for prayers for Natalie that she doesn’t get lost in the midst of everyone’s struggles.
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/