Posts Tagged: grief

Not My Will But Yours Be Done: Learning to accept God’s Sovereignty

Posted June 5, 2015 | Karisa Moore

John 19:26When Jesus then saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to His mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” 27Then He said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” From that hour the disciple took her into his own household.

As I was going to sleep last night, a thought popped into my head. Mary lost a child to a brutal death. In fact she lost at least two! James, her biological son with Joseph it is believed was stoned to death for preaching the gospel. This is no mother’s plan! Mary had to be numb and collapsing as she saw Jesus, the son of God, being crucified on the cross. God did not tell her that this was the road to salvation. It is safe to say that she was not in agreement with the dangerous path Jesus was walking. In her wisdom, she wanted to keep him safe, just as she had always done. She remembered fleeing from Cesar when Jesus was a baby. She remember how this precious life changed her very existence as he grew in her belly. She had done everything she could to sustain him, to keep him alive, to be a good steward of God’s amazing gift. Surely him hanging on the cross was not God’s will. Jesus did nothing as she expected. And yet, even from the cross Jesus was concerned for his mother and providing for her.

No matter how great the plan we make as a mother, God’s plan is better. He has the end goal end in mind, when I cannot even see the finish line. His love is for all of humanity. My love is for a few. His judgment is not clouded and mine is darkened by my own selfish desires. His path is consistent, he neither wavers nor stumbles. God’s plan for Jesus was perfect. God’s plan for Jonathan was perfect. Oh, how weighty those words are for me! They are bitter in my soul. Please hear me, while God did not cause my son’s death, he didn’t stop it either–AND HE IS COMPLETELY ABLE TO! To accept God’s sovereignty in my son’s death is one of the hardest hurdles in my faith. Yet I have believed that he is sovereign in the good things in my life. Why not in death as well?

He has a purpose in allowing Jonathan to die, and as I learn to open myself to the possibilities in his purposes may the friction between my will and God’s will be removed. What is happening in your life right now that you find yourself saying, “Surely this is not the will of God.” Are you battling cancer, is a loved one ill, have you lost your job, is your marriage in shambles. Can we pray as Jesus prayed?:

Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right;
Do what’s best—
    as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You’re in charge!
You can do anything you want!
You’re ablaze in beauty!
    Yes. Yes. Yes. (Matthew 6:9-13, The Message)

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Survivors of Suicide Support: Reaching out for understanding

Posted June 2, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Today has not ended as it began. I was down, really down. I mean so far down that the enemy attempted to take ground long since won in my life. It was that way until just an hour ago when I went to my once a month survivor’s group. I felt so dead inside as I walked into that crowded room. It seemed like each person touched a different part of my heartache and gave me permission to be where I am. As I left I determined two things.

1. It is okay for me to enjoy life ( Jonathan would dismiss what I now see as guilt for living as silly.)

2. It is okay for others to be where they are. Not everyone will understand my grief and I don’t want them to, because if they did, it would mean that they too have lost a child to suicide.

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The “Window to the Soul” is Through the Eyes of Jesus Christ

Posted June 1, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Isaiah 53 3He was despised and rejectedb by men;a man of sorrows,c and acquainted withd grief;e
and as one from whom men hide their facesf he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

How did Jesus do it? How did he see past the masks to see our brokenness in the context of our soul’s deepest needs? “Man looks at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) Is that our problem? We never get past the surface of what we think we know and see in others. Certainly that seems to be the case in my son’s circumstances. To turn the page on suicide we must retrain our eyes to look deeper than the surface, but how? . . . The only what is through the eyes of Jesus.

1. Jesus was totally in tune with the will of his father.

2. He broke the bondage of the sinful desires through preparation (prayer fasting, meditating on scripture, and testing).

3. He listened for the Holy Spirit to guide him in seeing the whole context of the person.

4. He acted quickly, yet methodically, and perfectly to each and every encounter with men and women.

So while cultivation of disciples can take several years, changing someone’s life can happen in a moment encounter! You don’t have to be deeply invested and know everything about a person, or even be their friend, to truly see the depth of who they are and their need. Many of Jesus’s encounters were with strangers that are never given a name in scripture. We simply need to abide in Jesus and act on his calling. When I know and trust the character of the Trinity I see more clearly the souls around me and not my unclear and shallow prejudices of outward appearances.

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My Spiritual Tool Box: What do I Use When Grief Overwhelms Me?

Posted May 29, 2015 | Karisa Moore

As I awoke this morning I was immediately hit with going over ever last minute detail leading up to Jonathan’s death. It is in these moments that I pull out every tool in my tool box.

Prayer: Lord, you know that my heart’s longing is for Jonathan to be here–to live. Please Lord, fill me with your love. Direct my mind to what is doable for me today. May you be enough for me. Amen.

Scripture: Lamentations 3:31For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. 32Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. 33For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.

Romans 8:31What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

John 16:22So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Fellowship: Headed into the office to work. . . bringing Daniel’s joke book. 😉

Witnessing: I share with you my grief, my hope, and my God with you today. May you find comfort in your afflictions, hope in your grief, and love and compassion for those around you.

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Join Me in my Tears

Posted May 21, 2015 | Karisa Moore

John 11:35 “Jesus wept.”

“Oh let me join you in your tears.” Natalie said cheerfully bouncing over to me last night as I broke down in tears during prayer time. After some great weeks, I once again feel as if my heart can’t withstand the loss of Jonathan. The silence of his presence is deafening! Sometimes I just need someone to join me in my tears.

Jesus didn’t have to cry. He knew what he was about to do. He didn’t say, “Buck up Mary, don’t you trust God, don’t you trust me?” He missed Lazarus too. Jonathan may be in heaven, but his body is still here. I truly believe that God mourns with us our loss. It may be temporary, I am learning to see Jonathan’s death in light of eternity, but Jesus had eternity in mind and still wept. Loss is real, loss is present, and loss is ongoing. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I take comfort that Jesus joins me in my tears.

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Adjusting My focus from the Grave to Christ

Posted May 6, 2015 | Karisa Moore

When I took this picture I was frustrated that my kids were blurry; the camera focused on the headstone.  But, the image reflects my grief. The grave looms large and it difficult to concentrate on anything else. What looms large in your life? How do we bring into focus the truth of God’s love for us which in turn brings into clear focus those we love, his plan for us and the needs of others?

Focus on Christ as my Center through:

Scripture: But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:.. Lamentations 3:21

Prayer: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything through prayer and petition . . .Philippians 4:6-8

Witnessing: . . .you will be my witnesses . . . Acts 1:8  (no one else can share your story)

Fellowship: Do not stop meeting together as some are in the habit of doing . . . Hebrews 10:25

As I struggle these past two weeks with Jonathan’s birthday I realize that I have pulled away from these four foundational truths in my life. So today I renew these verses in my mind, and open myself to a clearer view of God, my husband and  children, and others. Yes, the grave is concrete in my life right now, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot bring into focus God’s will. I just need to adjust my lens.

Living Among the Dead

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A Little Closer to Death

Posted May 4, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Short visit among the gray stones of remembering

Words emptied when you sunk into the earth

Silence

our new conversation.

In the quiet bosom of your death the throbbing heartbeat of creation

draws my attention away from you

and I watch life flit like spirits dancing amongst

gray stones, a little closer to death than they want to be.

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Sewing New Memories into the Fabric of Life

Posted April 28, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Acts 1:23So they nominated two men: Joseph called Barsabbas (also known as Justus) and Matthias. 24Then they prayed, “Lord, you know everyone’s heart. Show us which of these two you have chosen 25to take over this apostolic ministry, which Judas left to go where he belongs.” 26Then they cast lots, and the lot fell to Matthias; so he was added to the eleven apostles.

Bitter-sweet day yesterday. Natalie had a field trip to our local baseball stadium (yes, she held my hand the whole time). It was so much fun, but something about the trip caused me great sorrow as well. When we first moved to this state, I painted a mural of the ballpark for Jonathan’s room. The last time I was at a game was last year for my anniversary while in the midst of planning Jonathan’s funeral. His birthday is on Mother’s Day this year. Being at the ballpark brought all of those things to the surface.

I know from other survivors that this is quite common and that it is important to sew new memories into the fabric of my life, so I’m glad that I went. When Jonathan was little we brought him to a game early for autographs. He got a helmet and his catcher’s mitt signed. That night he slept with the glove on his hand and the helmet on his head. It was such a sweet image in my mind.

The disciples were fresh off the crucifixion and resurrection. Jesus spent forty days preparing them for ministry, Christ ascends to heaven, and now what? Now they pray! Now they select a new apostle to replace Judas. Now they wait for the Holy Spirit. Much of this year has been spent learning to wait. God’s instructions were clear to me; he has been removing stumbling blocks, teaching me patience, healing my anger and replacing it with compassion. Showing me that his way is the best way. May each of you be open to the new thoughts, new memories, and new experiences that God wants to sew into the fabric of your life.

Lord, I praise you for this amazing crowd of witnesses! I give you this day. Do with it what you will. Amen

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Learning that not Everything in the Universe is tied to my Son’s Suicide

Posted April 13, 2015 | Karisa Moore

The kids and I were itching to plant some flowers, so a quick stop at our local garden center yielded some beautiful flower booty. I don’t usually get blue flowers, but I was craving some blue. Maybe because it was Jonathan’s favorite color. Blue was slim pickings this early in the season, but I managed to find some and when I pulled out the tab, this is what I read:

Irony

REALLY! Is this some sick joke or simply a product namer (could have been me) who thought up a clever double meaning for these blue morning glories. If it weren’t for the way my son died, I might have actually have found this clever and funny. Instead, I stood there numb and reliving my son’s death.

When someone has had a severe physically injury, and the nerve endings begin to grow back they are super sensitive to touch. The brain and nerves have to work together to properly interpret what is really felt. If you have emotional trauma, or PTSD it is very similar, you may not interpret what’s happening correctly. My brain has a tendency to relive trauma and I have to take those thoughts captive and speak truth over them. Yes, my son used a gun, and it hurts like hell to know he felt so hopeless, but that has nothing to do with this moment of picking out flowers. This is about living! These are blue morning glories, and a symbol of God making all things new! God, thank you for the beauty of Spring and the delight of planning flowers with my children. This is truly a special moment I am choosing to turn the page!

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Suicide & Prevention Hotline

National Suicide Hotline

If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/