If I reach back to touch the dogeared image of who you were,
I forget to take pictures of who you are now with God.
I acknowledge I want you here today. Concrete.
Real. Healthy. Vibrant.
You are all those things with Him.
He is my promise, beyond the years of loss, that nothing
Is wasted.
Heartache isn’t the end of my story.
So, I keep my eyes fixed on the horizon. Anticipate
God’s goodness in my pain.
And God shapes the sunrise of hope—without you.
I pause.
Breathe.
Remember you beyond the grave.
Joy still comes. Joy comes!
I snap a fresh picture of you by living motherhood forward.
Make new memories, not despite missing who you were,
but because I live, remembering you
With Jesus.
Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will.
Matthew 10:29, KJV
Not even a sparrow falls without God’s knowledge and we are more precious than they. Oh, one day, I pray that I embrace this truth with the depth and security of one who trusts God no matter what I experience in this life. I’m not there yet. As the poem reflects this was a tear-streaked day. I have witnessed God’s care over and over, but I still don’t understand why he allowed Jonathan to die by suicide. The bottom line, is I just want Jonathan here.
Turning My Page
I wanted your heart to heal from
the world’s unrelenting fists of hatred.
I tried to shield you, but their blows penetrated
to marrow. Broke bone and spirit without pity. They
meant to crush you—rob identity.
Rearranged home until
you no longer recognized love or belonging.
I thought if I cradled your heart
enough with my love, that somehow, someway
you’d emerge from despair.
But, control
of your rhythm was never mine. Your
soul was formed and shaped by a God
who knit you together in my womb.
On my knees I plead that His will be
done in your life—from beginning to end.
“DO SOMETHING!” I screamed at a
God who was not deaf to my desperation.
He comforted. He still comforts,
but I will not pretend to understand
why He didn’t rescue you.
Your future—my future—was never
mine to determine. And I pray
one day I walk this path knowing
that not even a sparrow falls to the earth
without God’s knowledge.
Your life mattered, and heaven
mourned you even deeper than I.
Turning Your Page: When Sparrows Fall to Suicide
You may have sparrows who have fallen in your life. Your mourning may be deep and waves of emotions swamp you. Courage! May the promise of God’s care sustain you, even when the feelings simply are not there. You are precious to God. Your loved one was and is precious to a God who was willing to suffer with and for you. As you think about Easter consider the following:
“When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners” (Romans 5:6, NLT).
“When He saw the crowds, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd” (Matthew 9:36, BSB).
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father” (Matthew 10:29, ESV).
Lord, this sorrow is too great. Carry it for me. Your tenderness and mercy towards my loved ones exceed my own and not one of them falls to the earth without your knowledge and mourning. Amen
A God I Did Not Form
My energy is all spent up
on belief in a God Invisible.
I die in this furnace of pride, while
Pagans laugh at you. All because I did not
shape you into what is acceptable. This
God who claims to be the sole
provider of all things good in
my life. A slave who should
bow down to idols rather than
kneel in prayer—alone— in awe of you,
while the whole world pushes there
shiny gods on me.
Look up, child.
While flames lick around this
fragile form, you take my hand
in your callused carpenter hands
and hold me in the head-turning unexpected.
I sing, Holy, Holy, Holy when my faith should be singed
in the smoke of my humanness,
because you are not a God
I forged with my own hands.
If the God whom we serve exists, then He is able to deliver us from the blazing fiery furnace and from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden statue you have set up.” (Daniel 3:17-18 BSB).
Turning Your Page:
The book of Daniel has always been one of my greatest fascinations. How do children, taken captive by a cruel king, cultivate faith willing to stand in a fiery furnace, face a den of lions, and eighty years as a captive? I want that kind of faith! Knowing the character of God takes reading scriptures, putting it into practice, confessing sin, and a willingness to be open to God’s will come what may. I encourage you this week to:
Pray on your knees.
Ask God to help you to maintain integrity when others ask you to bow down to other gods.
Express yourself in journaling, art, poetry. We learn from one another. Record God’s faithfulness.
Lord, I did not form you with my own hands, you formed me. Keep me in the flames so that I may never forget my dependency upon your will alone. Amen
You didn’t impatiently check your watch like
you had someplace more important to be.
A God who listens.
You didn’t stare down my vulnerability
in disgust. As I poured out my broken heart,
you grabbed a tissue and sobbed with me.
A God who cries.
Your counsel didn’t come down from a distant marble throne.
You stepped into the crowd, looking for me.
A God who draws near.
ME—A single lost sheep.
You took my hand
into your callused carpenter’s hand,
and walked the journey of hope with me.
A God who touches humanity.
Turning My Page
I have had counselors of all sorts through my healing process and God used every single one of them to grow me. There remains only one counselor, the Holy Spirit, who has changed me from the inside out, while all the world’s counselors have the power to do is to change me from the outside in.
Just today I was tempted to bitterness and hardness, but God softened my heart with the following words, “I know it hurts. I see you.” We live in a messed-up fallen world and we are all prone to hurt one another. It was comforting to know that He knows my pain and gives a way for me to live differently than my sinful nature. The Holy Spirit has helped me to keep a short account of the wounds I have caused and the ones received. It has taken practice, oh so much practice, to listen and discern the crowed voices of self-help advice versus the genuine voice of the Holy Spirit in me.
I have learned that the Holy Spirit will never contradict scripture. His goal is to reveal truth and testify about Jesus.
“But I will send you the Advocate—the Spirit of truth. He will come to you from the Father and will testify all about me.
John 15:26 NLT
What a comfort to know I have an advocate who walks this journey with me.
Turning Your Page
List some of the voices that currently direct your path. Anyone or anything that steers you in a direction away from the voice of truth. They may come in the form of critics, well-meaning friends, religion, or enemies.
The world will always tell you that there is always peace in following the Holy Counselor. This is a false direction. The Holy Spirit has led men and women throughout history to stand against enemies, lay down a life for a friend, and took Jesus to the cross. Test spiritual direction against scripture and if you mishear, as all the original disciples did, pick yourself up again and try again.
Romans 8 lists what the Holy Spirit Does and Does Not Do on our behalf:
Not only that, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved; but hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he can already see? But if we hope for what we do not yet see, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know how we ought to pray, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans too deep for words. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
Romans 8:23-27
Lord, tune my heart to your voice. I have so many negative and destructive voices vying for my attention. Your love and direction come in a still small voice. Amen
Words of yesterday slammed
into my chest, mocking the
rhythm of will.
Stupid.
Useless.
Pitiful.
Why do I till the rocky
soil of relationships for hope
day after day, I start again.
Close eyes.
Breathe. Forgive.
Plant.
Let go—an impossible smile
appears on my battered tear-streaked face.
Strong.
Loving.
Chosen.
I look you boldly in the eye
strengthened by forgiveness. Whether
you ever embrace my love, I know I
have embraced His.
Turning My Page:
Embracing the love of Jesus is changing how I love. Quick-tempered, I replay events, fantasize what I would say to those who have hurt me. I am the hero of every story. But, the truth is, I am often the villain, speaking words that cause heartache in my husband and children’s lives.
My daughter reminded me of this truth last week as she interrupted my son and me in a heated argument. Instantly the following happened:
I looked at Daniel and really saw him.
Recognized that what I was so defensive about mattered far less than my son.
To Natalie it didn’t matter who was right, it mattered that we love one another.
I prayed: God help me to love my son as you love me.
We apologized to one another.
Forgiveness strengthened our relationship.
I am different because Jesus said, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Thank you, Lord!
Turning Your Page:
Forgiveness strengthens us because it takes our focus off of self and places it squarely on Jesus. Jesus was dying on the cross when he said the above words. He had his eyes on the prize. Reconciliation between his Holy Father and the wretched sinners placing our only hope on the cross.
When another person hurts you can the wound be filtered through forgiveness? Maybe all you can manage now is to pray for them. That is okay. Ask God to help you.
I cry out to you Jesus! Help me to forgive as you have forgiven me. I am a wretch hating another wretch. Lord help me to keep my eyes fixed on you, and to love my enemies, no matter how my soul is battered by this world. Amen
Form of a condemned caterpillar, known by a Creator who loves the despised. Chosen to shed the itchy filth and red rags of hopelessness And emerge into a purple cloak of hope–You delight in me!
Turning My Page: My Cloak of Hope
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5;17 ESV
Sometimes, I don’t want to change. I want to stay secure in my chrysalis and avoid life. I’ve experienced a lot of trials, right? I deserve to check out of my troubles for a while. Let others fulfill Christ’s purpose. Metamorphosis isn’t the climax, it is the tomb. The resurrection of a caterpillar to a butterfly is what makes the butterfly so spectacular. I can’t remain in the chrysalis, I must trust God, use my wings, and fulfill the purpose God has for me.
Jesus spelled out my purpose from the moment I accepted him as my Savior. I am to proclaim the good news, but don’t always feel like I capture the depth of God’s transformation in my life. Before I met Jesus, I used the words worthless, failure, and mistake. I searched for meaning in every place but a relationship with God. Then Jesus pursued me with great fervor and delight and convinced me of his love. Now, I love God’s truth and desire life, not death. God custom made a new wardrobe for my attitude.
Too often I catch myself looking through the old closet of thoughts and actions. Colossians 3:10-12 says that God has given me a new cloak of hope as a believer and follower of him. The chrysalis feels safer, but it is like living in a grave while your heart still beats. I am a transformed butterfly, meant to glorify God by sharing the reason for the hope I have, and fear does not have the final say.
A believer in Christ should truly look different.
When God removes our filthy garments of sin, and despair, and places his love and attitude on us, it should be noticeable. Not perfect. God immediately took away my suicidal ideations and desire for alcohol, but many other areas took, stretching, sacrifice, and growth.
In scripture, we see examples of immediate physical changes and in others a turning from sin when Christ entered the room. Immediately, the disciples dropped what they were doing to follow Jesus, but the transformation of their spirit and attitude did not begin until the resurrection. They were in the chrysalis of transformation. I don’t want to end the story, still caught in the in-between of faith. The cloak of faith in Jesus’ revealed that I am a butterfly. Oh, the joy to display his spender!
Turning Your Page
Custom Fitted Cloak of Hope
Now you’re dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ. So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline.
Colossians 3:10-12 MSG
What garment do you wear? Are your words, your heart, your thinking transformed by God’s love for you? When we wear new garments of salvation and belief, there is a heavenly glow. Just as Moses radiated in the Old Testament because he spent time meeting with God, so too, will you as you sit at the feet and apply the love God has for you.
If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, describe how has spending time in scripture, fellowshipping with other believers, and loving your neighbor as yourself changed your garments? If you do not yet know this Jesus I talk about, describe your current garments? How would you like others to perceive you? What current attitudes are you struggling with?
Snap a picture of a butterfly and post it to my Facebook Page. What do you know about how a butterfly is transformed? How would you describe a transforming moment in your life?
Lord, bring me out, place on me the full cloak of your glory. Amen
Do you feel like a broken butterfly? God has purposed you to fly no matter what you have experienced. Broken Butterflies: Emerging Through Grief is a collection of poems that illustrated in vivid details that the blow I received would not stop me from flying to God’s glory.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
John 3;16
Turning My Page: Conviction Overturned by Love
Conviction certain,
I trembled as the sentence was pronounced.
The death penalty was on the table. “Overturned by my Love!” A collective gasp, some shouted praise.
Others cursed this Judge who lets sinners
go unpunished. I went to my knees grateful.
Turning Your Page
When was the last time you hurt another person, lied, stole, shirked responsibility, but instead of receiving what you deserved the offended party extended grace? Did you experience relief? Did you rush out to tell everyone about the turn of events? Did you quietly savor freedom? There isn’t a single one of us who hasn’t wronged another person. In a time when there is a lot of side picking and pointing fingers, grace, love, and forgiveness may feel like foreign words. We seem so eager to condemn one another. But God set up from the moment we fell a way for redemption.
Jesus addressed both our sin and the proper way to address sin when the woman caught in adultery was brought before him for judgment:
And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him.Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”
John 8:7,9-11 ESV
This woman probably went away living and loving others differently.
Anyone who experiences a conviction overturned by unconditional love is bound to be confronted by both their worth and the drastic damage of the sin patterns in their lives. When the future apostle, Peter, encountered the filling of his empty boat of fish, he fell to his knees and cried out, “Depart from me, I am a sinful man.” Encountering the unmerited love of Christ changes us. If you have experienced undeserved grace, forgiveness, or someone else took your punishment, spend some time journaling on the experience.
What was your response to unmerited grace?
How did others treat you?
How did your heart or actions change towards others after the experience?
Lord, I don’t deserve your kindness, and yet you are kind to me. I have been your enemy and yet you accept me now as your child. Thank you for not treating me as my sins deserve and teach me to love others as you have cherished me. Amen
(There is a difference between sin and human mistakes. It is important to develop an understanding of what constitutes sin.)
Jesus answered, “If you knew the gift of God and who is asking you for a drink, you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.”
John 4:10 ESV
I have been contemplating the ripple effect of hope a lot lately, and a recent leaky faucet that filled bucket after bucket until a tiny little gasket was replaced drove home the power in just a few steady drops. I have cards of encouragement from friends, scripture, the Holy Spirit’s prodding, all as constant reminders that Christ is still loving and offering hope to me today.
Turning My Page: Leaky Faucet of Hope
I AM the constant drip, drip of hope, stubbornly
rippling through centuries
of evil, lies, doubt, and fear.
Turning Your Page: The Constant Drip of Hope
For the woman Jesus encountered (on purpose) at the well, hope took the form of an age-old argument between Jew and Samaritan. It was such a bitter, divisive, and evil argument over where mankind truly worshiped God that the factions of believers in the One True God could barely speak to one another. Worse yet, this Samaritan woman had been with many men. In the world’s eyes, Jesus should not have even been speaking to her.
Jesus gave her a drop of water by speaking to her. Then another, by describing Himself as “living water”. Then He opened the door to the place of true worship, repentance, and hope in the Messiah. She didn’t just walk, she ran back to tell others of the Messiah. She is a ripple effect of hope in Jesus Christ!
What is hope like for you?
Does it have a color, texture, scent, etc?
Journal as a poem, prose, questions, artwork, or photography.
Who introduced you to Jesus? Send them a note of encouragement. Describe how they offered you living water.
Lord, our world desperately needs the ripple effect of hope right now. So much bitterness, hatred of one another, and hopelessness. Equip believers to continue to be a ripple effect of hope. Amen
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.” (1 Peter 1:3 ESV).
Turning My Page: Lean In To Hope
Nativity displays beneath the canvas of night.
Where a mother sings, and chosen father dreams.
A candle, lit by God, twinkles in the heavens and
announces salvation has arrived.
And hope, swaddled in tender flesh,
sucks his thumb.
The shepherd
and the wise lean in, to wonder, are you my king?
And I, an offspring of His coming,
testify 2,000 years later, He is
Emmanuel. God With Us, leaning
in to shape my spirit.
Turning Your Page
Have you ever contemplated the vast effect of those first moments with Jesus? Many lives have been changed over the centuries because one baby was born. Two thousand years later, men and women are still willing to lay down their lives for this child gifted by God to redeem us. Read Luke 1-2:40.
Take about ten minutes to contemplate the sights and sounds of the nativity.
Which person do you identify with most?
Do you have questions for Jesus?
What images and pictures of His arrival catch your attention?
Try to use your senses to write a description or poem interacting with aspects of the nativity.
How has your life been changed by the birth of Jesus?
Leave a link to your poem in the comments or pingback to this post: Lean In To Hope
Jesus, I am in awe of your birth. You are a God I often want to make distant, and yet you took on my struggles. I too can endure sorrow upon sorrow because you love me and are with me and I find joy in this life because my hope firmly placed in you. Amen
