Birthed from the womb
of your grave, I gasp my first breath of new
life and cry out.
Posts Tagged: turning the page on suicide
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.” (Romans 8: 18-21 NIV)
Turning My Page
When asking for Orange Juice, but what comes out of your mouth is Ketchup . . . own it!
This morning I was struggling to shake off the grog of another night of dysfunctional sleep. My husband graciously supplied my request and plopped down the ketchup bottle in front of me.
While everyone laughed, I took the bottle of ketchup and poured myself a tall glass. My family’s laughter turned to gags of horror as I downed a tall, refreshingly cold, and tangy glass of fresh-squeezed ketchup.
We are all broken. Bound to flub something. The skinny ones, the stocky ones, the tired, the well-rested, the weak, and the strong. These slip-ups, that once sent me reeling and shutting down from humanity because “once again I said the wrong thing”, are absolutely nothing compared to the glory that is being revealed in me!
I’m a mystery-loving, creative, artistic, encouraging writer, and a deep feeler of the world! I take my mistakes way too seriously and must practice laughter.
I notice that many of us who wrestle with despair don’t easily laugh at ourselves. And laughter is truly good medicine. Laughter often snaps our soul out of its spiral down to the pit and brings us back to the reality that there really are good things happening in our lives. Mistakes of speech, or practice, or discovery, are like play-dough. Roll them out and make something new.
The only thing to truly humble ourselves and learn to address is the sin in our lives. If our mistakes don’t separate us from the love of God, then own it! God very much has a sense of humor. I think he probably had a deep belly laugh over my antics this morning After all, he did create the Platypus.
Turning Your Page
Surrender is not a wound rendering your wings useless, but the gift from God, lifting you to His highest purpose.
I love finding other poets to respond to in poetry. Take a look at Radhika Shah’s poem, “Depression calls again” as posted on Jalvis Quotes.
My response:
Bed made, doubt can’t stop me.
Renumbered days feel possible.
Attention, I will not quit!
Not your call, Not your call.
Bed dressed, habit of hope.
Time waits quietly,
already prepared for the
wrong pressed against determination.
Is there a way through? Is there a way through?
Attention all obstacles
opposite to thought, you are
mere specks of trouble
darkening my life.
Is it possible?
Smile, remember days overcome.
Tried and tested. Tried and tested.
Uncomfortable stretching of muscles untrained.
Help me with your presence, so that I may
lie in peace, lie in peace.
Inflate my heart with purpose.
1 Corinthians 2:1When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. 2For I decided to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. 3I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. 4My message and my preaching were not with persuasive words of wisdom, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, 5so that your faith would not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.
Dear Fellow Page Turners,
Yesterday I took a step to face disabling fear and in my brokenness encouraged others struggling just as deeply.
Â
We do not know who is on the edge of hopelessness. It is not in our achieving “Christian perfection” God uses us for the most glory of his kingdom. We become oaks of righteousness in our knee-knocking-obedience.Â
Be real with your faith. Be bold in obedience. Be open in your weakness.
Love Always,
Karisa
As I edit my devotional book, I find that sometimes I still need the reminders of four years ago. It has been a rough couple of days. God is still ahead of me, making my path straight. Find courage in God’s declaration that he knows your path!
(Written on day 10 after my son’s funeral.)
Deuteronomy 31:8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Last night my back locked up as my father-in-law, an osteopath, was trying to bring healing and relief. I cried out to God. “I’m trying not to be mad at you, and this isn’t’ helping!” What an amazing God I have, he can handle anything that I dish out at him. He can handle my anger, tears, ups and downs, all of my emotions. We are in a committed relationship.
That committed relationship certainly didn’t occur overnight on my end. I accepted Jesus as my savior as a little girl, but by the time I was a teenager I had come to believe that I was a pawn in a stupid game that God was playing and I wanted no part of it. So I decided to play my own game with my own rules and almost destroyed myself. When I opened myself to his love, I discovered a God who goes before me, who is with me, and who will never forsake me.
I can see clearly amid our overwhelming loss, God is putting comfort in place as we face every parent’s nightmare. A walking friend introduced me almost ten years ago to the cemetery where my son is buried. I continued to walk there with Jonathan as he grew up.
It was the only connection I had to any cemetery in the area, so it seemed like a good choice for Jonathan’s body to be laid to rest. Once the decision was made, my mom did some research. Much of our family is from this area and mom discovered that my great-grandparents are buried in the cemetery I had chosen! We had no idea. Not only are they buried there, but in the exact lot, I desired Jonathan to be buried. A lot that wouldn’t have been available to us if we did not already have family buried there.
Even the weird weather (the sky turned brilliant at 9pm after darkening for the evening) happening since Jonathan’s death is strangely comforting. It as if heaven itself is mourning with us. Dear friend, God prepares a way for us through whatever trials we face. He cares about every hair on our head, and yes, my back as well.
Lord, I praise you that you are committed to me and that I can trust you in my darkest hour.
God’s in the kitchen whipping up a fresh day. Sunshine sprinkled
with cinnamon clover invites me into barefoot, porch swing
conversations with the Holy Spirit. He kneads my
soul with scripture. Buttering bitterness
of yesterday’s failures with confession and forgiveness
and baking in the truth of my Father’s character. Jesus traces the shape of
his image into my heart. He cracks open His nature, stirring the chorus
of robins, cardinals, and sparrows sweet worship songs of agreement.
I sit quiet, soul listening to breakfast sermons of grace, peace,
and satisfaction sizzling in the skillet of your love.
I thought i was re-fuse
garbage for one to recycle
at best, and reject
at worst. But You re-purpose
me, shape my redemption
into refined reality.
Your suicide left my soul
deep within smothering grief,
stiffening clay against purpose.
But God worked his tears
into my sorrow, softening
bitterness with his love.
Forming from this cherished clay
a testimony of love, joy, and peace
for those tempted to despair.
Scripture:
Exodus 4:15 5“You are to speak to him and put the words in his mouth; and I, even I, will be with your mouth and his mouth, and I will teach you what you are to do...
Devotional:
Y’all might have noticed that I’ve been rather erratic in my posting. Moses, whom God is addressing in this scripture, waited 40 years to set the Hebrews free. He is in the palace, a perfect position! But when he thinks his opportunity has finally arrived he gets the calling very wrong. He sets only one person free through murder . . . nope, not God’s plan. So Moses flees and then waits another 40 years to be ready to return to Egypt to set God’s people free. While I don’t think God is going to make me wait as long to continue writing he definitely has me in a holding pattern.
A twofold dynamic is at play. One, I have few words currently surfacing, and two, my family needs my full attention. Several health issues have arisen and are needing quite a lot of appointments. Every time I sit down to write the words don’t come. And that is okay.
We need to relax in silent periods. Writing is my God-given gift of expression, I am secure in his purpose. If he is not putting the words into my mouth, I am quite sure he has a good reason. I trust him with this new leg of the journey, and besides, there have been joyous developments that I will get to share with you very soon.
When we are operating in the will of God, mighty things happen, even if we can’t do the very thing he calls us to do. The reason? God is good and faithfully maturing us to accomplish His will. It can become easy for me to lean hard into my own understanding of his purpose, but when I wait patiently on God, amazing things happen!
Trust that he loves to give you good things. Are you feeling flustered because a clear calling seems to be thwarted at every turn?  Look back at the pattern he has established in your life. Is he growing you? Does he have a different road for you to take? Is he addressing a stumbling block?
Burning bushes often lead to our greatest conflicts, but when we wait patiently, we also witness spectacular displays of God’s sovereignty, provision, and salvation for many. I will joyously wait to lead His freedom march across the Red Sea.
Prayer:
Lord, you are preparing me for good things. I trust your direction. Address the stumbling blocks in my way. I see you tackling my fears, teaching me to trust you completely. Thank you for reminding me that your plan is good, even when detoured in a different direction. Amen
National Suicide Hotline
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/