Somewhere during the swollen rush of depression,
“Predictable” became the portrait I painted.

It didn’t matter that I survived trauma, death lapped
gently at my soul, testing for weakness.
It found my mouth.
Invisible
Ugly
Stupid
Worthless

I was out of the boat, thinking I
knew God, but lies were
the lifeline my pride gripped.

Pulled under.

“Help” I gurgled, the water of despair
mocking my lungs desperate plea to
calm my flailing panic.

No one assumed I’d walk on water. Depleted.
Held under by hands proving their own power.
Broken, and bruised to marrow. No one
blamed me for fighting life,
but they tired of constant rescue. I drew
oxygen from their attempts like and addict. Desperate
for affirmation.

No expectation I would trust again.

I was born to drown. A statistic, speeding
up the slow drip of life’s faucet. An ocean
of regret would be quick. Easy.

You waited until I drowned my way, reached
into my habitual turning away. My impulsiveness.
Dying was predictable.
Living, eyes fixed on you,
resurrected truth.

Turning Your Page

You may build up twenty or more years of trauma, self harm, and lies in your mind, body, and spirit. You have wallpapered your soul with concepts about God, man, and the value of your life. Scripture says the complete opposite. Going after man’s approval is worthless, yes. But, seeking after a God who loves and wants to decorate your mind, body, and spirit with words like:

But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing? Then Jesus got up and rebuked the wind and the sea. “Silence!” He commanded. “Be still!” And the wind died down, and it was perfectly calm”

Mark 4:38-39

Lie: Jesus you don’t care about me.
Truth: He cares and has the power to take care of what we fear.

• How do you develop the ability to recognize a lie?
• List any lies you believe that came up from childhood. Were they planted through the actions or words or another person?
• Spend some time looking at scriptures that speak about the lie you struggle the most with. What is the truth? Write these out, and reinforce them outloud throughout the week.

Father, I am still learning who you are. Reveal any lies I don’t yet see. Place in me your spirit of truth. Amen