For You formed my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, and I know this very well. -Psalm 139:13-15
Welcome to Turning the Page on Suicide. My son’s birthday is wrapped up in motherhood. He was born two days before Mother’s Day, all 10 pounds and 10 ounces and 21 inches of him. Would I do it all over again knowing how tragically his life would end? In a heartbeat.
From the first moment, I heard Jonathan’s loud and clear heartbeat at 9 weeks, I began to learn how precious life is. Cradled in my womb was life, connected, yet also separate and powerful enough because it changed me, literally from the inside out. God became real and active. Not a Bible story or a nice distant idea, but a real tangible person. His counsel and His Spirit began to guide my decisions. Life stopped being something that happened to me and became an active, engaged, painful and glorious adventure to explore and experience. Not perfect, not easy, but valuable.
I met God in Jonathan’s heartbeat. Life is a sacred gift and despair dissipates when we recognize the giver. Through motherhood, God taught me that every life has meaning and purpose, not determined by what mankind values, but set apart and designed by Him. Simply put, if Jonathan were never born, I would not be who I am, and many others would not know they are loved and valued. Jonathan left his fingerprint on this world. My heartache is that he died without knowing the joy of God finishing the good work in him and others. You and I can live differently because we learn through both Jonathan’s life and suicide that every breath is valuable. Notice the needs of others around you, and be vulnerable to connect and ask for help. Create a new heartbeat for me by embracing life, no matter how hard, and live it to the fullest. That is the best gift you can give to me on Mothers Day.