I was doing great yesterday morning, but in the afternoon I began sobbing uncontrollably as I was working on laundry. Especially when I saw my son’s bed and could so clearly see his figure, both as a child and as a teenager, curled up under the covers.
Everyday functioning is so much harder with a piece of you missing. You walk through your day with a constant nagging feeling that there is something valuable lost that you are constantly searching for. For those of us who have lost a loved one, there is no quick fix, no glue that will repair this crack in our soul.
I truly believe that heaven is affected by the loss of Jonathan. The day I put my son in the ground the weather went crazy. For the burial the sun shone brightly, but quickly after it began storming and the sky went black. That is why, when the sky suddenly began brightening at 9:00 in the evening, everyone took notice.
My neighbor and I went outside and began snapping pictures. On one side were the billowing lines of the storm clouds, but to the west was this eerie orange light. My husband felt that heaven was mourning with us.
And why wouldn’t heaven mourn? God created each person with a unique fingerprint, there is not a single one of us that he does not value! Jesus came so that we may have abundant life. My son’s life was valuable to God.
What is it that you were created for? As I mourn for Jonathan I also have two more precious little ones who need to know that they have value. My kids struggled to settle down for sleep last night. I snuggled with Natalie first. We giggled like little girls, and she shared how much she missed Jonathan. I then climbed up into Daniel’s loft bed to snuggle with him (no easy task); he was so pleased that I was taking the time to be present with him that he began talking a mile a minute. He had so much he wanted to share with me. To reach beyond my grief to be present with them felt good.
My life has value, So I keep turning the page of my story to find out what happens next, even if it is a day heavy with tears. What page are you writing today?