Lamentations 3:20Surely my soul remembers And is bowed down within me. 21This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. 22The LORD’S loving kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.…”Who we remember determines what we remember.” Can’t remember where I read that quote, but it has stayed with me. . It is not my son’s suicide that defines my life, but Jesus Christ. He is who I remember today, and it changes July 1st for me in a way that nothing else can.

I literally feel you praying for me today. From the moment that I awoke I felt a joy that makes 0 sense on the cusp of my son’s death. Therefore I recall:

  • God’s breathtaking pursuit of me in the midst of my rebellion
  • That he wooed me with a tiny little heart beat that promised life in the midst of my depravity
  • That God was my husband, father to my son, and my daddy all rolled into one as I stumbled into faith and motherhood
  • The mystery and beauty of my “little” 10lb 10oz Jonathan (Gift of God) as I cradled him in my arms for the first time
  • The joy of taking shape with Jonathan
  • Endless hours of Lego creations, car racing, and baseball games
  • Laughter, oh the deep and joy filled laughter
  • Watching Jonathan’s personality, his faith, his love and compassion blossom
  • Dreaming big
  • New adventures
  • Even in the midst of my heartbreak last year I find God present in the words left on my son’s Facebook wall, in the living room filled with prayer, and in the miracle of scripture, prayer, tears, teens, horses, writing, and planting seeds of hope

Thank you Jesus!

2 comments

  1. Walking, every step of the journey with you, cousin, though I walk where you may not see or feel my support every moment. My deepest gratitude and thanks for a spiritual net of safety and hope to cushion and sustain you as you walk the path of grief – LUB – <3

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