A Conversation with God

I want answers. God wants trust.

I feel like a kid asking, “Please explain your plan to me.”

“That is not what you really want.” God gently corrects. “You want Jonathan’s death to mean something, for beauty to spring from the ashes of your heartache and you do not trust that I will give you 100 fold what I have taken from you. Have I not laid out my promises to you through scripture, and in our personal relationship?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I just want my remaining kids to be okay–to help others struggling with depression.”

“Do I not want the same?”

“Yes, but you don’t do things the way I would.”

“Exactly.”

“Why this path, why Jonathan, why this amount of pain? I want answers Lord!”

“No, you want your answers Karisa. Not mine.”

Silence. Can I live with this God whose ways are not my ways?

Isaiah 55:8-9 8“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD. 9“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.

Numbers 23:19 God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?

Published by

Karisa Moore

I lost my son to suicide. Each day since, I commit my day to turning the page and continuing to write my story. There is no deeper grief, but I know too, that there is no greater hope than bringing life out of death. I offer each page to you as a testimony that there is hope for abundant life!

11 thoughts on “A Conversation with God

    1. Thank you Chris. I shared in an earlier post that I have never struggled with the necessity of the cross until Jonathan died. Even as I wrestle with God, and his very “unmanly” ways, the cross seems to be permanently etching itself in my mind. Jesus, hanging on a tree, would have never been in my master planning. Yet that death saved my life. God messes with my definitions of what is good and what is bad.

      1. Allow His grace to wash over you. He loves you so much and has “allowed” this trauma to take its place in your life. It’s our job, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to try to discern why. XXXXX

  1. Wow, that was really powerful. Thank you for sharing. I could feel the knot in my gut tightening as I was reading this. I completely relate. So often I’ve been terrified, wondering where God was in my mess and what he was doing. Sometimes I think the hardest part of faith is trusting God unconditionally. I struggle every day to take my hands off the steering wheel and trust God knows better than me where we should go. God bless you and your family.

    1. It feels a bit uncomfortable sharing the bone crushing, soul splitting struggle I’m having with God, but I take my cue from King David. These are my Psalms.

      1. They’re beautiful and an encouragement. I think we all feel like this at one time or another, but too often we’re afraid to admit it. I think sometimes we just need one honest person to enable us to start the conversation or, better yet, feel comfortable being honest with ourselves. Thank you for being that person!

  2. I agree with the comments above. This was a powerful conversation that brought me to feel just a smidgen of your pain. I cannot even being to understand what you are going through because my kids are young and still have them..I cry with your hurt. I hope and pray that God will reveal himself through this situation. I want to keep encouraging you to write because you may not realize how many people you are touching through your writing. You may not see on this side of heaven, but quite possibly how many people will come up to you in heaven and say thank you. Thank you for standing strong, being transparent and trusting in God. Prayers for you today sweet sister in Christ!

    1. Thank you for your encouragement. And, thank you everyone for walking with me through the valley of the shadow of death! May God be glorified in our weaknesses.

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