A Hidden Spring of Joy in my Sorrow
When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue faileth for thirst, I the LORD will hear them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers in high places, and fountains in the midst of the valleys: I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.
Isaiah 41:17-18, KJV
What is this hidden spring that bubbles up
from the sorrow-baked cracks of my despair
and satisfies my soul with joy where
there should be only sorrow?
Turning the Page on Suicide
Tomorrow is July 1st and I should be dreading it, but I’m not.
Jonathan will be gone eight years, and for the first time I feel joy leading up to that terrible date. It is literally bubbling it up and causing me to laugh outloud today.
Not in spite of my loss, not ignoring the ache of loss, but because Jesus’ presence, his plan, and his purpose far outway anything I have or will ever experience in the future. He is shaping my grief.
How do I know this?
I have been reading through the Bible this year which includes readings from both the Old Testament and New as well as a Psalm. The thread of God’s trustworthiness is there. His sovereignty over every experience, including the suicide of my son, is imprinted in every description of loss,, rebellion, redemption. Stories such as the overwhelming sorrow of Job, the prophets, David, Jesus and his disciples. Scripture was like a golden thread of hope that once pulled I could see in vivid detail, God was not asleep at the wheel when Jonathan died or any other moment in my life.
So tonight I cry out to a God who hears. I pray for you my dearest readers and friends. Don’t lose hope! I mourn with you as many of you walk through the deepest layers of grief and suffering. I lean into the Holy Spirit’s leading. Nothing is impossble for my God. Including springs of joy in the desert wasteland of a child I loved deeply dying by suicide. I don’t dread tomorrow because Jesus, I know you are there.
Lord, so many of us are dying of thirst from walking through deserts of hopeless circumstances. Help us to put our faith in your living water that never runs dry. Amen