Posts Categorized: motherhood

Manger Alter

Ramen Noodles were a mothers desperate attempt at feeding her child who could not keep food down. It was a favorite food. I did not understand how much my heart was entangled in this simple pleasure until my husband asked if he could donate it to the food bank. He had no idea I had purchased the unopened package for Jonathan until I choked out the words.

It sat in my Lazy Susan for two years. How my heart aches! To give voice to my pain, to identify my sorrow, is an opportunity to let go of anything that hinders me from pressing forward. I have been deeply hindered this Christmas. The constant abscess of grief is wearing my spirit to rags.  So, after having Brian check the expiration date–do Ramen Noodles ever expire? –I offered it to my king (laughter is good medicine) and asked that it may bless the belly of the hungry soul who receives it.

What is sitting in your Lazy Susan this year? Can you let go?

 

Grieving with Hope: Painting my son’s room

Turn the Page:

Today is a hard day to turn. I don’t feel particularly sad, just unsure. Lord reveal your purpose for today. Amen

This is one more large day without Jonathan. We are painting Daniel’s room today and maybe that is harder than I originally thought it would be. We will be honoring Jonathan’s place in Daniel’s life in some spectacular ways. . . Ah, there are the tears. Jonathan’s presence will still be there. I kept their growth chart in their room. I’m going to take a picture of it before we paint over it.

Oh my there is the depth of my ache. I miss you so much my sweet man! “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always . As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be! ” I used to sing that to Jonathan from the book I’ll Love You Forever. He loved it, and sang it to me not long before he died.

Many of you may be familiar with the story. I remember my first read through I was a bit disturbed by the mother climbing through her adult son’s room and rocking him in her arms as she sang her song, but I understood the heart of the image. As Jonathan pulled away from me towards the end I held him in my heart, and prayed for him, and longed for security for him.

What I was not familiar with was the fact that the author wrote the book as a memorial to two still born babies he and his wife had. Even as we grieve, love, hope, life and celebration can occur. Even if we have but a moment, or no moment at all to say goodbye.

Isaiah 66:12 For thus says the Lord:
“Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river,
and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream;
and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip,
and bounced upon her knees.
13As one whom his mother comforts,
so I will comfort you;
you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.
14You shall see, and your heart shall rejoice;
your bones shall flourish like the grass;
and the hand of the Lord shall be known to his servants,
and he shall show his indignation against his enemies.

Suicide & Prevention Hotline

National Suicide Hotline

If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/