Short visit among the gray stones of remembering
Words emptied when you sunk into the earth
Silence
our new conversation.
In the quiet bosom of your death the throbbing heartbeat of creation
draws my attention away from you
and I watch life flit like spirits dancing amongst
gray stones, a little closer to death than they want to be.
How many kids do you have? . . . That question has not gotten any easier to handle. I have three children, not two and I will never get used to saying that I have two children. Today I was asked a couple of times and Natalie, very matter-of-factly elaborated on how Jonathan died. The poor ladies didn’t know how to respond.
These days leading up to Jonathan’s birthday are harder than I expected. My emotions are a bit runny right now, and I’m not much fun to be around. So . . .how do I get a grip?
1. Declare: I HAVE THREE CHILDREN!
2. Crawl into my Heavenly Daddy’s lap and cry, scream, kick, whatever I need to do!
3. Let Him hold me.
4. Love and hold Brian,Daniel and Natalie a little tighter.
5. Drink Jarritos every day (Jonathan’s favorite).
6. Draw, write, walk.
7. Plant.
8. Go to survivor’s group.
9. Speak scripture over the pain until the heartache subsides.
10. Blow out the candle on my first year of celebrating your birth . . . without you.
Inspecting the pain blossoming in my soul,  I
Have tenacity that is nonsense in society’s chatter.
After all that I have experienced in my
Very short life, I have developed an
Eternal perspective that refuses to be held down! Jesus,
He was not a victim of sin, so I am not a victim of infliction! Helping others–my balm.
Opening my heart to infinite possibilities keeps me
Pressing through–pain is but a speck on my timeline and I
Expect good things from a God who hears.
John 10:10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.–Jesus
“Sorry, my ADD is kicking in.” I apologized, acknowledging that I was distracted from listening because my attention was focused on the beautiful flower bouquets she had in her office. I was delighted by how well they coordinated with her purple blazer.
She smiled and laughed, “That’s your creativity shining through, certainly not something to apologize for.” My eyes widened, I had never thought of my distraction like that.
“Those flowers were here yesterday and you are the first person to mention noticing them. And probably the only person who will notice them. I hadn’t even noticed that my blazer coordinated with them. I take the expansion of your attention to the room as a sign of healing, not weakness.” She encouraged. “Most people when they first come into my office look down and can’t even look at me. As they begin to heal they begin looking at me and then beyond.”
How depression shrinks our world. Until the only thing that we smell, hear, taste, see, feel, is the sweat of our own fear, hear the loud ramblings of our own thoughts, taste the bitterness of our failures, see that we are alone, and feel disconnected from a huge world of possibilities. If you are in that place, may my testimony encourage you! It is because of one step, and then another, and then another that I came to place that even when my worst nightmare came true I can still declare that life is worth living.
May we journey together in looking up and seeing the beauty beyond our nightmares. Talk with me and let me know how you are doing.
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/