Monthly Archives: February 2015
When words wither of comfort.
I snuggle into the warm blanket of silence
and sip a cup of tears
Until I curl to sleep, holding onto the memory of you.
Today I locked my self out of the house. Our garage door is broken, so the whole routine is out of whack. My husband had physical therapy today, so I needed to take the kids to school. My cell phone is dead, so I had to run over to my neighbor’s to call Brian . . . straight to voice-mail. So I called the physical therapist office. . . voicemail. Maybe I can catch him before his sessions over. I hopped in the car and drove over to the office. He had gotten the message and left the keys for me. Back home to get a quick change for the gym and back out.
Are you exhausted already by the start of my day? Now I’m laughing, but in the moment I realized my keys were on the inside and I was on the outside, my mind was racing to find a solution. How did your day start?
We can feel this way spiritually. We’re scrambling to figure out this whole God thing. Is he real-is he not? Is he good-is he not. Why does he let bad things happen to us? What is his plan for my life? Who is in charge, him or me? We lock ourselves out of his will and then blame God.
What if each moment, even my getting locked out were for a purpose? I thought about skipping the gym, I was going to be late for class. But my desire for consistency and discipline won out. If God works all things to good (that does mean that all things are good) for those who love him and are called according to his purpose- Romans 8:28, then my day to day experiences are beautiful. I love the song Beautiful Disaster. That is what I am, and I love God for taking my brokenness and making me shine like the stars!
If your day started like mine, take a moment to read Romans 8. You might see that there isn’t a single part of you that is not the hands of our creator! Even if the purpose of my mess is only to encourage others beautiful disasters to let go of having it all together.
When I began writing Turning the Page July 8th, the day after my son’s funeral, I was grasping for the lifeline of hope. I was drowning in sorrow. How do you live the rest of your life, knowing that a part of you is missing? As I began seeking God’s face I realized that the disciples asked that very same question. When the miracle of Jesus’ resurrection was followed by his ascension into the heavens the disciples were asking, “Now what?” They still had to deal with Jesus not physically being present with them.
Jesus promised the comforter would come when he left. And boy did he. This rag-tag band of followers were filled with the Holy Spirit and became powerhouses for the gospel! I am realizing that day-to-day the Holy Spirit is turning the page with me. He has a plan for me, and my son’s death is not the end of my story. God is comforting me, equipping me, and teaching me to grieve with hope.
As I Turned the Page and began blogging I wanted to reach beyond my friends to a wider audience. Writing is my way of leaving my unique, God-given perspective on the world. I want to offer hope to those struggling with depression, as well as those survivors of suicide. I want to become a resource and witness to resiliency. There is life after tragedy and I want to live it to the fullest!
This hope isn’t just in reuniting with my son Jonathan in heaven, this hope is for the here and now! Jesus came that we might have abundant life here. How in the world can you have abundant life after your eighteen year old child takes his own life? You may be wondering the same about your own loss, turmoil or pain. Turn the Page with me and we will find out together.
National Suicide Hotline
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/