Posts Tagged: anorexia

Testimony Tuesday: I Am Lost

Proverbs 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.

The Problem


That word evokes so many things. Fear, flashbacks, loneliness, and panic. For me it means I’m not meeting someone’s expectation and I tend to get agitated and more lost. I was in a new and unfamiliar area today and I might have well been on Mars. I have a debilitating fear of asking for help in these situations. But, I pulled into Kroger’s parking lot and called the imaging center. She gave me directions from there, including landmarks (all of which I found by the way), but I was at a different Kroger. I wasn’t even close to the location. Even more lost.

Directions often get jumbled in my brain and the GPS didn’t help, it sent me to their previous location. So you have one lost, flustered woman, trying to get to an unknown destination. To add insult to injury, I really needed to go to the bathroom! I stopped at two locations, but neither had a public bathroom. One gave me directions to the imaging place, though. So I tried again.

Nope, wrong imaging place. Then came the aha moment.

God, I surrender to you that I am lost.”

We have been working on taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ since the day I said I was ALL IN, three weeks ago. I had multiple problems to address. Which one was the most pressing and easiest to relieve? Yes the pun is not lost on me. I was late, that was certain. A few more minutes wasn’t going to change that fact. I walked into the wrong imaging center and used their bathroom. Now, to the desk to explain my situation and get proper directions from people who live in the area. She wrote out directions and gave me distinct landmarks. (Mental note, return to this imaging center if I give up on the other). I returned my car with a fresh new perspective.

I called the office and asked if there was any point in trying to make it to them, or should I return home. They could still fit me in. No longer flustered, I found my way.

The Lesson

Can I surrender to being lost? In other words, can I surrender to being vulnerable and human in the sight of God and others? Part of what God is teaching me about surrender is that there are no “have to s”. I am already loved, already chosen, and already found! This kind of lost was a temporary circumstance. I already have experienced being so lost that I thought cutting, alcohol, sex, anorexia, and finally suicide, would somehow help me to find my way out. The biblical directions, might as well been for Martians. I neither understood this God who was seeking me, nor that I was that one sheep that he left his whole flock for.

I am no longer, permanently lost. Now, I am safe, secure, and most certainly not alone in a foreign land, because God is with me. I have directions for living in this life and the promise of the new life to come.  I can have joy in this moment of being temporarily lost because he knows my struggle and makes my path straight.

You are already loved, even if you feel lost right now, he has chosen you, and may my testimony be a landmark in your journey. You can cry out to be found, even from the darkest pit.



Indulging in Obedience


Matthew 4:3 And the tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.” 4But he answered, “It is written,

“‘Man shall not live by bread alone,
but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

For two months I have been more intentional about exercise and healthier eating. And for two months my weight has wavered at about the same weight, but never decreased. I have not grown discouraged because I know I am doing the work, but yesterday I asked God why? And he answered.

It is about control. He’s in control, and I am not. Whether it was anorexia or overindulgence, my unhealthy relationship with food has always been all about me. God wants all of me, not just what I choose to give him, and therefore, he is not allowing the needle to move until He matters to me more than results. Will I love him, praise him and obey him if the needle never moves an inch? When I am satisfied with God alone I will no longer be prone to extremes.

Whether food or other addictions, I am convinced and convicted that when God is the center of our universe nothing else satisfies. Jesus rebuked Satan by stating that man doesn’t live by bread alone, but by every word of God. In other words, obedience to God is more important than filling my belly. In the Old Testament story of Babylonian captivity, Daniel and his friends refused to eat the rich food of the king, because God had commanded them not to;he had set them apart. Their obedience was rewarded with better health and position, over those who ate the food. It wasn’t about the food, it was about obeying God. God gives favor in all areas, even in enemy territory when we give control to him.  Trusting that God wants good things for me, I don’t have to take matters into my own hands, which is the starting place of addiction. And, with God in charge I am no longer a slave to food!

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