karisa moore Archives - Turning the Page on Suicide

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Peter’s Darkest Night

Posted September 28, 2023 | Karisa Moore

I possessed no doubt. Your identity
secure in my arrogance like a sword against
the throat of my enemies. You are the Messiah! But
your kingdom came, not with a roar
of victory, but a depressing death cry of, it is finished!

We shared
the same ministry dirt under the nails.
Fished for men. You called me friend.
This death you hinted at—not
on my watch!

You capsized my boat. Wrecked my
expectations. Did I really know you? Hope lies
rotting in a borrowed grave. I replay your
ministry over and over in my head. Where did I
go wrong? I called you Messiah! Did I really know you?

My battle cry, so passionate, so confident, last night, choked
out by the cock’s crow of my betrayal today. You looked at me.
You knew I would betray you, and still, you chose me. “Why?”
Bitterness mocked, “I’ll
follow you anywhere!”

I was ready to establish your kingdom.
The battle was in front of me. My heart pounded.
My nearest enemy’s ear lay on the ground, with
first blood of freedom. Who’s with me?

“Put your sword away, Peter,” you commanded. Put my sword
away? Didn’t you put this sword in my hand? Even as I was ready to destroy
you were ready to restore.

“Your kingdom come!”
What kingdom has ever come through a cross…

Countless times, you knelt and drew in the sand.
Treated the self-righteous as heathens. I felt elevated.
A part of something gloriously divine. Oh good,
the master will put these accusers in their place. I witnessed
your miracles, but restore an enemy? My knowledge of your royalty was robbed
by your humility—by your sacrifice.

Why did you choose me?

Bitterness Has No Room in My Heart

Posted September 26, 2023 | Karisa Moore

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Ephesians 4;31 ESV

Turning My Page: Bitterness Has No Place

“You can keep your mouth shut, God!” I yelled. I was mad, and I was going to stay angry until I heard an apology from the offending party. Not even God was going to get in my way this time. My husband was wrong; he hurt me, and that was all there was to it. God has a way of meddling with my temper and teaching me my heart’s attitude needs to change to be more like His. I have been apologizing for breathing since early childhood, and I resent being the one to make peace when my insides are roaring. I didn’t do anything wrong.

There is a very strong word for this…

Bitterness

I suppose it is a testimony to how much the God of the universe and I speak to one another that I attempted to be so familiar with him. And since I am not ashes, he might have nudged Gabriel and laughed. “My daughter just told me to shut up.” Any humor He found at the moment did not dissuade Him from taking a spiritual paddle to me.

The Holy Spirit nudged me and whispered, Do you really want to hold onto this anger?

A flash of twenty-two years of unchecked bitterness flashed in my mind. I already knew where bitterness led. Self-harm, guardedness, broken relationships, and layer upon layer of pent-up rage. in childhoodAt, what might have started as righteous anger quickly became an attitude of unforgiveness. Bitterness led to depression and suicide attempts. Bitterness gripped my soul so much that when the monster was finally revealed, I could hardly stand it! It ripped me apart: mind, body, and spirit.

Only when I confessed and released my anger did love fill the void, and now, knowing the healing power in forgiveness, I desire, above all else, to keep a short account. That means grudges are out of the question. I can’t bring up past hurts, and I can’t nurse and dwell on being wounded by others. God desires faith, hope, and love to rule over my wounded heart.

Lest you think this brushes over any hurt caused by another, please hear me. God makes it clear that it doesn’t. Just listen in on the brothers of Joseph who, in their hatred, got rid of Joseph and left him for dead. When they unknowingly have to face Joseph, the brother they left for dead, Joseph has a chance to get even with them, but he hears them say the following:

Then they said to one another, “Surely we are being punished because of our brother. We saw his anguish when he pleaded with us, but we would not listen. That is why this distress has come upon us” (Genesis 42:21 BSB)

Joseph broke down in tears. Had to go to his private chambers and let out years of pent-up emotions. I bet anything that Joseph wrestled. The dream was coming true. Not how he imagined it, but how God imagined it. God may have reached into Joseph’s heart and asked the same question he asked me. Joseph, my son, do you really want to hold onto the bitterness? His brothers were a mess, and tno amount of revenge wouldfree Joseph from the years of betrayal and hardship. But forgiveness, oh, the sweet violence of forgiveness!

There is nothing like the release of forgiveness. In that moment with my husband, it came quickly. Years later, our bond is stronger, and I don’t regret for a second humbling myself and forgiving him in that moment I didn’t want to. As I grow in trusting God with the wounds I receive in this life, I realize how temporary suffering is and how prominent forgiveness is.

“And Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.’ And they cast lots to divide his garments” (Luke 23:24 ESV). Jesus said that from the cross. In light of his love, forgiveness, and pleading for mercy to his Heavenly Father, how can I not let go of anger and forgive quickly?

Turning Your Page

Oh, sweet friend, I speak to you as one who knows some of the deepest wounds this world can inflict. Is bitterness, malice, envy, jealousy, and hatred worth losing your soul? If you are ready to lay down your desire for vengeance, where in the world to start?

Confess what is making you angry.
Remember all the areas God has forgiven you.
Take a look at how Jesus responded to persecution.
Practice.
- Taking your thoughts captive and speaking the truth of scripture over them.
- Acknowledge the hurt, and ask God what he wants you to do with it.
- Pray for those who have hurt you.

Lord, these wounds are too much! Do you see them? Sear into my soul remembrance of the grace and forgiveness you extend to me. May I cry out for mercy to those who hurt me rather than vengeance. Amen

The Evidence of Your Love

Posted September 21, 2023 | Karisa Moore

Somewhere between presence and depression
I stopped being and started doing.
Repeated lies and nursed wounds.

I checked out of Hotel Truth and
checked into the flea-infested Motel Fear.
There was no room service. No one changed the sheets
of self-loathing and cynicism I slept in day after day. I drank the
amber whisky of my own thoughts and called the burn enlightenment.

The knock was insistent, acknowledging my existence. Disrupted my
pathetic pattern.

The knock reached into the shadows of isolation.
“Hello?”
The knock again.
I cringed as if hit. “Go away!”
I hugged the closest bottle like it would ward
off the intruder.
The knock again was gentle violence to my demons.

The barrier to my soul shattered. Painfully stripped of all dignity
I was afraid you would reject me.

You came into my filth and saw me. All of me.
You, Oh Lord, washed me, clothed me in righteousness.
Confusion doesn’t even begin to explain that moment. I was so
secure in my destruction. You were secure in my salvation. Everything
shifted. My worldview, my understanding of grace, justice, flesh. But I wanted
your presence. Wanted you to fill me with your light until I craved nothing else.

You came into my dark world and prepared a banquet. I’m invited! You’re invited! Come! Come and
see what the Lord has done for me!

Lessons in Perseverance

Posted September 19, 2023 | Karisa Moore

He remembers his covenant forever, the word that he commanded, for a thousand generations

(Psalm 105:8 ESV).

Turning My Page

My grandmother giggled like a teenage girl. Her whole being exuded joy at both hanging the sheets out to dry and investing in the lives of those around her. One summer, I spent several weeks with her and heard stories never shared with me before. Behind that giggle was a whole lot of suffering. It was impressed upon me that she had resilience. At the time, I was an Eyore, focused on the gloomy clouds constantly hovering over my life, and had little to no ability to bounce back. Still, I soaked up her stories and wondered how she could have such a great attitude, praise God for her blessings, and serve others wherever God placed her.

So much of Grandma’s life was deeply hard. Her father died when she was three, and when her mother remarried, her stepfather wasn’t keen on the extra baggage of a daughter. She passed from relative to relative until her siblings started arriving, and then she was brought back home to help raise her brother and sisters. She did not hold a grudge. When she was older, she endured the devastating loss of two sisters, who died because they got caught in a whirlpool and drowned. Grandma lived through the great depression, wars, and a husband who was a harsh and unforgiving man.

He had softened as a grandfather, and I only caught glimpses of his stubbornness, but I could tell she loved him with every fiber of her being. She lost a grandson who lived with her for a while when his parents discarded him to suicide. I didn’t understand then, but I do now how profoundly the loss of my cousin broke her heart.

Yet, despite all of these experiences, she laughed and celebrated life to the fullest. She shared her faith with me at a little white church in the country. She played cards with me and taught me how to make buttermilk toast when she was sick. I loved her tea, her stories, and everything about this five-foot-nothing, once curly-haired redhead. What I didn’t understand then, I know now as a believer in Christ.

I can now laugh, celebrate, and live life to the fullest, whatever circumstances may come because I recognize that Joy and Sorrow are beautiful companions. Death does not end my story. It is only a part of the story.

Turning Your Page

Start observing joy coupled with sorrow where you are. Who around you is an example of someone who lives life to the fullest amid hardship? What characteristics do you observe about them? Ask them to share the reason for their hope. Ask them what scriptures are foundational to how they live with sorrow and joy at the same time.

Learning to walk with sorrow and joy simultaneously is not easy. Often, our selfish and worldly desires get in the way. A simpler life, with no troubles at all, would be nice, but remembering that God sees you and has kept his covenant to all who believe in Him, what we experience in this life is but a blink. Living life to the fullest is possible because Jesus bridges the gap of our sinful nature and teaches us to take up our cross daily. Here are some other passages to help you practice joy in sorrow.

“Trouble and anguish have found me out, but your commandments are my delight” (Psalm 119:143 ESV).

“‘Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? But for this purpose I have come to this hour'” (John 12:27 ESV).

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 ESV).

“‘Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid'” (John 14:27 ESV).

Lord, thank you for the many examples throughout scripture and in my life who exemplify your attitude of joy amid great hardship. May I take comfort and share that comfort with others because you waste nothing.

Poetry Testifies to What I’ve Seen and Heard

Posted September 14, 2023 | Karisa Moore

Hero words take up swords
and slice through false beliefs with the authority
of the one sent.
Poetry is a place to find refuge. You are here
in the observations of my soul. Reminding winter of
its boundaries and cultivating plump vines for harvest
in the desert of despair.

Invited to God’s Banquet Table

Posted September 12, 2023 | Karisa Moore

He said also to the man who had invited him, “When you give a dinner or a banquet, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, lest they also invite you in return and you be repaid. But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. For you will be repaid at the resurrection of the just” (Luke 14:12-14, ESV).

Turning My Page:

Hospitality is often a gift attributed to girls; my daughter has it in spades. She has pulled out her fall decorations and filled our home with the sights and smells of fall. She has added pillows and pumpkins throughout the house, and our table is set and ready to receive any fall guests. She loves having friends over and preparing teas and games for them. Hospitality is a part of her character.

But women are not the only ones gifted by God with hospitality. Reading my friend’s new devotional, A Place at His Table, reminds me of how Daniel, my now sixteen-year-old son, invites people to God’s table. He has had several friends ask him lately about his faith because he spends time with them and is open about his loss of his brother and his struggles with a God who allows suffering.

When my son was an infant, he was a people person. He never wanted to snuggle against my shoulder; he must face outward because that is where the people are.

For two introverted parents, this took some getting used to. He was always getting in strangers’ personal space and didn’t know what to do with himself when there were other kids to play with.

At four years old, it became apparent that I would crush his God-given spirit if I didn’t learn to appreciate his people-loving personality and stop trying to keep him from pestering others. Balance? Yes. Understand the give and take of relationship? Absolutely. He needed guidance to utilize his gift of hospitality, but I recognized that my reaction had much more to do with my fear of what others thought of me as a parent. So I prayed. I prayed that God would open my eyes to the beauty of Daniel’s love for others and ways to shape and strengthen his understanding of the needs of others.

God opened my eyes in a big way to the profound gift He had given to Daniel. I was facilitating a Beth Moore study called The Inheritance, all about the thread of God’s love and good gifts for his people from Genesis to Revelation. Each week, I came early to set up our room in purple and pink tablecloths and placed tiaras and jewelry on each table.

My son had to come with me one day to set up, and as we walked across the parking lot, he spotted a mother on the playground with her child. He called out to her, and I braced myself for what would come out of his mouth. He began waving his arms. “Hey! Hey! She’s having a party, come on in.”

In an instant, my whole attitude changed. No one would miss an opportunity for an invite to God’s table when Daniel was around. I caught a glimpse of the joy of the Heavenly Father, who invites us, even when we are still strangers to His will, into his heavenly banquet.

I’ve never looked at my son’s gifts the same. I find delight in the fact that he notices people and points to God’s love for others. I love the tenderness he develops in sharing his faith with others and meeting his friends where they are in their struggles. He’s grown a bit more shy as a teenager, but he loves hanging with others, and it is such a pleasure to guide and shape his love for people. He makes me want to be bolder and joyous in my invites to God’s grand party.

Turning Your Page

Hospitality is not just a characteristic that a few select people have. All who believe in Jesus Christ and take up our cross are called to open our hearts and homes to others. Even if it doesn’t come naturally, how much more does it say to those who feel rejected when we love them and invite them to the same banquets we ourselves are invited to?

It is essential to note from the Luke 14 context that Jesus was invited to a banquet, and people were fighting over the place of honor. Jesus pointed out that we should take the furthest seat (humble ourselves) to give preference to others and allow God to elevate us to the position he has for us.

God wants all of us to come to His banquet. Some will reject the invitation, and some will accept. How can you invite someone to feast with you at God’s table?

Lord of the banquet, it is your will that all have a seat at your table. Help me, as one who once felt I was not worthy to feast at your table, recognize your prompting, and cultivate hospitality in my home, faith, and hope in You. Amen

Sustaining Word

Posted August 29, 2023 | Karisa Moore

I love the way you invite
me to touch truth. I run my
fingers over your tangible promises like
oranges ripening in an infinite orchard. A tenacious
orchard unhindered by blight, drought, fire, or suffering. Each
morning, I pluck encouragement, understanding, and endurance from
your Word. I tear into the tender flesh of submission and humility. Your
Word fills me with satisfying joy as I
squeeze out the fresh juice of Your Spirit and drink the glory of Your creation.

He remembers his covenant forever, the word that he commanded, for a thousand generations…

Psalm 105:8 ESV

A Counselor Familiar with Dust

Posted August 25, 2023 | Karisa Moore

You didn’t impatiently check your watch like
you had someplace more important to be.
A God who listens.
You didn’t stare down my vulnerability
in disgust as I poured out my broken heart.
You grabbed a tissue and sobbed with me.
A God who cries.

Your counsel didn’t come down from a distant marble throne.
You stepped into the crowd, looking for me.
A God who draws near.
ME—A single lost sheep.
You took my hand
into your callused carpenter’s hand
and walked the journey of hope with me.
A God who touches humanity.

Turning the Page Newsletter: What Resources Do You Need to Fight Despair?

Posted August 22, 2023 | Karisa Moore

Dear Fellow Page Turner,

I grew up writing letters to my grandmother who lived hundreds of miles away. I treasure every single one of her shaky-handed letters. They gave me a glimpse into her humor, faith, her resilience, and resolve. I’ve been thinking a lot about letter writing lately and how much I have valued the personal notes of encouragement after the loss of my son Jonathan.

Much of the gospel is in letter form.

“And we also thank God constantly for this, that when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men but as what it really is, the word of God, which is at work in you believers.

1 Thessalonians 2:13 ESV

Each handwritten letter was meant to address specific things happening in the church, encourage the body of believers, hold them accountable, and be a witness to those who didn’t yet believe in Christ. I want to encourage you in the same way.

This once-a-month newsletter includes hope-filled encouragement because God has you in mind. What he teaches me I pass on to you through my testimony, opportunities for training, and review of hope-filled resources.

Since day one of turning the page on my son’s suicide, one of the most valued resources to my community has been hearing from each member of my family. We each grieve so differently and yet also have shared grief. When you sign up to Turn the Page with me, my immediate gift to you is an interview with each of my family members on how they grieve with hope.

I hope beyond the initial gift, you find consistent encouragement in our correspondence. I love getting letters in return. You are not alone, no matter how hard today’s page is to turn.

Your’s in Christ,

https://bit.ly/Karisatpsletter

Resurrection Battle at the Demoniac’s Tomb

Posted August 15, 2023 | Karisa Moore

The demoniac:

Forgotten.
Dressed in rags and chains, I was not
ready to entertain kings.

You crossed the unclean threshold of my grave,
your royal robes billowing in the sea’s warm breeze.
My heart strained to near you.
Dare I hope.

Demons:

Hopeless.
A crown, only seen by our eyes, testifies to us who you are.
Naked, we claw with rocks at vulnerable flesh, mutilating your earthly jewel.
We’ll make you unrecognizable too. Soon. Flesh out, God.

Forsaken

Demoniac:

I scream for
release from day and night horror. While they cried out to
remain fast.
I was a scarred lamb within, and
a roaring lion without.

Demons:

Mighty Samson would not tame we beating beasts.

Demoniac:

You, Son of God, entered my tomb and knocked
the breath out of me.
What man chained you commanded freed.
Clothed in righteousness, I now cling to you.

You are God in flesh!

A demoniac commissioned to share the truth of your
love for mankind.

(Inspired by Mark 5)

Posts Tagged: karisa moore

Turning My Page: Bitterness Has No Place

Bitterness

Turning Your Page

Turning My Page

Turning Your Page

Turning My Page:

Turning Your Page

National Suicide Hotline