The rain fits me right now, I am cloudy. As May is on my doorstep, so is Mother’s Day and my son’s birthday. I have had such an amazing year, but the heaviness of my heart is overwhelming today. So what do you do when pain and grief are so heavy they threaten to flood your soul?
I look for the rainbows. Lord, even grief carries the seeds of your healing. May I grow stronger as I remember my child. Amen
If I could reach back and trace the pink face not yet
troubled and embroiled in years, stroke little fingers,
And nuzzle dependent heart, would it make a difference in your dying?
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No.
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There should be no surprise—obeying God leads to rolling the dice with men.
I carried complete power and total submission in my womb nine months.
But, even as I nursed truth, I struggled
to die to motherhood.
The cross was born of my obedience.
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Your heart now beats in the tender words spoken to
the desperate and despised. We fellowship with bread offered
to empty bellies.
Our hope is planted, watered, and grows in resurrected soil.
And I breathe. . . Oh, my soul breathes
deeply the fragrance of your presence with me. The cross did not
separate us, it made us one!
You live in the past, present, and future, and I find you in the gutters of obedience.
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I’ve drowned in this ocean of odds before, hiding
who I am amongst the smoke and hollow
laughter of the other gamblers.
Bluffing my way through disaster.
You know my tell, nothing
is hidden from you.
Attempted to play by my own rules
with the hand God dealt, but I was swallowed
by a whale. The House always wins!
.
1 Kings 19:…11So He said, “Go forth and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12After the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing.
Sometimes we need normal, in an abnormal life.
By normal I mean that some of the best moments in life come in plain packages. Ours came in the shape of a random park on the edge of a lake in the middle of Houston. My husband wisely realized that the kids needed time to run and play after touring and being in and out of the car for a couple of days. Like Elijah, we were exhausted from the constant barrage of sickness and difficulty we are experiencing. We needed a respite.
Chasing each other, climbing, and exploring was just what we all needed to lay bare our wounds before God and allow him to feed our souls. What we didn’t expect was the hour of delight my kids took in watching the numerous fish jumping in the lake. They squealed with laughter when a fish jumped close to the dock and splashed them. Brian and I sat on a dock bench, enjoying our kids and sharing the quiet moment to worship together. It was easier to hear God.
“I am here and just as I provide for these fish, I am and always will be your sustainer.”
“Operation Texas” is preparing us for the new aspects of our journey! Just like Elijah, we came back better, refreshed in spirit, and aware that we are not alone.
The tree won’t save you!
2 Samuel 7:4 But in the same night the word of the LORD came to Nathan, saying, 5“Go and say to My servant David, ‘Thus says the LORD, “Are you the one who should build Me a house to dwell in? 6“For I have not dwelt in a house since the day I brought up the sons of Israel from Egypt, even to this day; but I have been moving about in a tent, even in a tabernacle.…
I have struggled with “catch a one-way-bus” syndrome for the past few weeks and today it reached fever pitch. I sat at my dinning room table, staring at houses listings, feeling like I was going to implode if I didn’t open the release valve. So I began mowing our yard.
God brought to mind the overwhelming longing I felt 14 years ago, to share my life with someone after being totally content with being single for 6 years was confusing. I felt stirred up. In those days, friends and family moved away, and I asked God to either make me content with Him alone again, or if this stirring was from Him, to provide a husband. He did both. I had such a joy in the journey and, because I opened myself to new possibilities, I met Brian. As I mowed my rows today, I finally  became quiet enough to listen.
Me:Lord I want a change. I want a one story house in the country.
God: You take yourself wherever you go.
Me: So that’s a no?
God: Contentment is in me, not a location. If you do not learn to have a joy in your work here, then expanding your tent pegs isn’t going create lasting peace.
Me: Yes, Lord. Teach me to love being present with you here in my home. Reveal the sin in me that rebels against your will and direction.
The tension left my shoulders and I let the bus leave without me.
A terrible nightmare woke me up at 2:30 last night and kept me awake the rest of the night. What is the cause of nightmares? When I look at the elements of most of my nightmares they center around trying to stop things that I seem powerless to stop. In other words control.
How do any of us reach the place we trust God with the good, bad, and really ugly? Here are some clues:
Genesis 50:…19But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? 20“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.
No matter the circumstances, God’s will is accomplished.
Matthew 9:20And a woman who had been suffering from a hemorrhage for twelve years, came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His cloak; 21for she was saying to herself, “If I only touch His garment, I will get well.”…22Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.†And instantly the woman was made well.
God rewards those who earnestly and persistently seek him!
Philippians 4:12I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. 13I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.…
My ability to be content in every circumstance is dependent upon Christ, not my own works.
Proverbs 3:…7Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil. 8It will be healing to your body And refreshment to your bones.
Sin is deadly! When I am clearly aware of the sovereignty of God over my circumstances my nightmares have no place to breed anger, control, anxiety, etc.!
Thank you God for scripture to remind me of your truth! Amen
We huddle against the odds.
Battle bruised and broken, interlocked
by purpose, cradling
each other in prayer.
John 20:11But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb, and as she wept she stooped to look into the tomb. 12And she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had lain, one at the head and one at the feet. 13They said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?†She said to them, “They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.†14Having said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing, but she did not know that it was Jesus. 15Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?†Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.â€
Death =Â Â How serious God takes sin.
Resurrection = How serious God takes forgiveness.
I stand between the tomb and the resurrection. It is so hard for me to not stare into the darkness of the grave expecting to see the mangled body of my son. It is harder for me to look into heaven and see the resurrection power of the Son of God in the life of my son. Our pastor reminded us this morning that the men and women who ran to the empty tomb did not have the full context of what was happening, like we do.
Even with the full implication of the open tomb-death where is your sting -I am like the women headed to the grave to anoint the body. The followers believed that their hopes and dreams were buried with the miracle-working rabbi. No matter how much I have seen of God’s faithfulness, no matter that I myself was dead in my sins and made alive by the love of Christ, the resurrection power is not yet fully at work in me. I don’t believe that resurrection can happen in my circumstances. Heaven is distant and the grave is up close and way too concrete for me to embrace the freedom and power God’s perspective has for me. I am still morning who I thought Jesus was to embrace him right now even though I know he is calling me by name.
Father, you are patient with me. I feel the soil of grief more than the seeds of your presence with me. What is it that you are teaching me about heaven? Open my eyes that I may recognize you, my gardener and savior when you are standing right in front of me! Help me to embrace the resurrection of Jesus so that the fullness of your forgiveness can be revealed in me. Amen.
15Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?†Supposing him to be the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.†16Jesus said to her, “Mary.†She turned and said to him in Aramaic,b “Rabboni!†(which means Teacher). 17Jesus said to her, “Do not cling to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father; but go to my brothers and say to them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’†18Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lordâ€â€”and that he had said these things to her.
I deposit poems,
like pennies, into
the bank of your soul.
Crack open when
you need to splurge on hope.
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
John 21:15When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?†He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.†He said to him, “Feed my lambs.†16He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?†He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.†He said to him, “Tend my sheep.†17He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?†Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?†and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.†Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.”
“I don’t think anyone can understand what I’m going through, unless they have been there.”
“If you want to understand someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes.”
“You have such a good testimony. My faith has never been tested like that.”
I have heard statements like this for a long time and I didn’t realize why they make me cringe, until today. I state again, Jesus ate with sinners, but he did not become a sinner to understand our pain. I do not buy the idea that somehow, those who have not been touched in someway by suicide cannot understand my pain and grief. If you are in the flesh, you can understand. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
The effectiveness of our empathy for the broken comes from how closely we are relating to the love of God, not how much we relate to each other. I think I have just rebuffed about every method of psychology we use to address what ails us in that statement. If we really want to counter suicide and depression then we need to love like Jesus. Only then will we feed his sheep, sacrifice for others, take persecution and forgive our enemies.
The closer I draw to the love of my heavenly Father the more I love and am broken hearted for your pain and struggles. And, since there was no separation between Jesus and the love of God he loves us completely! This was the first truth I had to accept when I began walking with Jesus. Scripture is a love note from beginning to end, even the hard parts. From the beginning of creation God has loved us.
When Jesus asks you if you love him, what is your answer?
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/