Posts Categorized: grief

April Tears bring May Rainbows

The rain fits me right now, I am cloudy. As May is on my doorstep, so is Mother’s Day and my son’s birthday. I have had such an amazing year, but the heaviness of my heart is overwhelming today. So what do you do when pain and grief are so heavy they threaten to flood your soul?

I look for the rainbows. Lord, even grief carries the seeds of your healing. May I grow stronger as I remember my child. Amen

 

Grief on the Grill

Marinated memories tenderized by time,

simmer and sizzle with laughter on the grill.

Still tender pink and moist with grief.

Yet, each bite bursting with the fresh flavor of hope.

 

 

 

 

A Moment to Cry Out

“His middle name should be Patrick.” Jonathan said as I shared with him he was going to have a baby brother.

I liked the sound of Patrick, it fit well with Daniel. “Why Patrick?” I asked.

“Because your Irish, and this is one lucky baby!” Jonathan declared.

 

I have been insulating myself lately with numbness, but sooner or later the feeling creeps back in. My soul is crying out in anguish today. I miss you desperately my son. The only thing for my brokenness is to climb into my Daddy’s lap and allow him to rock me with the lullaby of scripture.

Psalm 13:5But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. 6I will sing to the LORD, Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 69:3 I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.. . 13But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness.

Psalm 119:41 …40 Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me through Your righteousness. Vav. 41May Your lovingkindnesses also come to me, O LORD, Your salvation according to Your word; 42So I will have an answer for him who reproaches me, For I trust in Your word.…

Jeremiah 31:3 “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. 4“Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt, O virgin of Israel! Again you will take up your tambourines, And go forth to the dances of the merrymakers.…

 

The Juxtapositions of Christ

I dance where there is no music,
I sing when there is no song,
I cry out when there are no words, and
I am silent when the world is shouting out!
I heal when there is no medicine,
I carry your burdens when others put them down,
I love when others hate me, and
I forgive when I should keep a record of wrongs.
I live when death surrounds me, and
I die to self to preserve your life.

 

(Poem written in the early days of grief)

 

I Have Never Been Stranded on Mars, but if I were . . .

“At some point, everything’s gonna go south on you and you’re going to say, this is it. This is how I end. Now you can either accept that, or you can get to work. That’s all it is. You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem and you solve the next one, and then the next. And If you solve enough problems, you get to come home.” –Mark Watney (The Martian)

I have had a multitude of troubles thrown my way, but I can honestly say, I have never been stranded on Mars. In the early days after Jonathan’s death a friend asked, “How are you doing this? How are you able to function?”

My answer, “I’m not.”

I knew several things almost instantly the day Jonathan died.

  1. This was hell on earth.
  2. I could not stand in this furnace alone.
  3. I would grieve with hope.

Galatians 2:20I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”

I live, because Christ lives. The more I am crucified with Christ, my fleshly desire to have Jonathan alive dies. So many of us do not get over losing our children because it is a way of keeping them alive in our minds. God does not say, “Just get over it.” He mourns with us! At the same time he invites us to the realization that God will be glorified. We cannot stare longingly at the grave of our past and expect to resurrect what is not within God’s will. We must keep our eyes fixed upon the cross if we want to live.

I wrestle with this aspect of God’s character, but I also know he did not spare his own son. When Jesus started talking to the followers about “eating his flesh”, many walked away. (John 6:53) This is a hard teaching! Will I leave Jesus because I cannot fully get my mind around what he is asking of me? No! Who else in this world has changed my life. Who else has loved me like you? You are the Christ and my salvation is in you alone.

I am finding that the cross is the juxtaposition of Christ! Opposites collide on the cross– life and death, pain and pleasure, law and grace, sin and holiness, shame and glory. On the cross Jesus understands, both my deepest sorrow, and the heights of his fathers glory. And as I die my spirit is revealed more and more. I pray that I too, one day, can fully state. “Into your hands I commit my spirit.” I don’t have to scramble, alone, to solve enough problems to get home. Christ already solved them for me on the cross. I’m already home!

 

Unraveling Upper Room

We need an upper room

to cloister our grief and shock

of burying the plans

we wove tightly into

you.

 

 

 

Would You Walk Through The Door?

Philippians1:29For to you it has been granted for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, 30experiencing the same conflict which you saw in me, and now hear to be in me.

 

You stand in a room filled with doors. Each one opens to a path you could take, but only one leads to the salvation of many people. If you walk through that door you will experience depression, betrayal, abuse, overwhelming loss, constant stress, persecution and die an early death. Would you walk through the door?

Let me know your thoughts.

 

Too Much!

Psalm 34:…17The righteous cry, and the LORD hears And delivers them out of all their troubles. 18The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. 19Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the LORD delivers him out of them all.…

Some days you wake up and your world is already crumbling. Daniel woke up crying in pain, and it went down from there until everyone was being unpleasant to one another. The explosions inside me were oozing out in sharp words and I’m not sure I want to keep them at bay any more.

Now I sit here in the silence, the train whistling in the distance and I feel as if I am stuck on the tracks. Lord, they do not owe me a thing! Help me to glorify you. I don’t have to keep up appearances, I don’t have to hold it all together. Life on this earth sucks sometimes and I’ve had enough. I want my son to be well, or at the very least, to know what is wrong. Please father, give me the strength to keep pressing forward and not to be mean to my family because I can’t fix what is wrong. Open my heart and mind to your will, not mine! Only in the garden of trusting you completely can I be fully present and pleasant to my family. Amen.

Unwrapping Sorrow

Packaged patiently within pain

is the gift of possibility.

Unopened. . . or open does not change content.

Bitterness and despair torn open and discarded,

like a shiny exoskeleton no longer attractive.

My passion–hope secreted within the gift of sorrow.

 

 

 

Manger Alter

Ramen Noodles were a mothers desperate attempt at feeding her child who could not keep food down. It was a favorite food. I did not understand how much my heart was entangled in this simple pleasure until my husband asked if he could donate it to the food bank. He had no idea I had purchased the unopened package for Jonathan until I choked out the words.

It sat in my Lazy Susan for two years. How my heart aches! To give voice to my pain, to identify my sorrow, is an opportunity to let go of anything that hinders me from pressing forward. I have been deeply hindered this Christmas. The constant abscess of grief is wearing my spirit to rags.  So, after having Brian check the expiration date–do Ramen Noodles ever expire? –I offered it to my king (laughter is good medicine) and asked that it may bless the belly of the hungry soul who receives it.

What is sitting in your Lazy Susan this year? Can you let go?

 

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