I cannot turn the page on suicide alone. None of us can. I value your experiences, your challenges, the depth of your own sorrows and your resilience! Please do not hesitate to contact me with your concerns, suggestions and experiences of hope in the midst of grief or depression.
Thank you for reading and turning the page on suicide with me!
Sincerely,
Karisa
Luke 23:39-43One of the criminals who were hanged there was hurling abuse at Him, saying, “Are You not the Christ? Save Yourself and us!” 40But the other answered, and rebuking him said, “Do you not even fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? 41“And we indeed are suffering justly, for we are receiving what we deserve for our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” 42And he was saying, “Jesus, remember me when You come in Your kingdom!” 43And He said to him, “Truly I say to you, today you shall be with Me in Paradise.”…
“Christians are forever being asked to forgive, but there seems to be little emphasis on responsibility and repentance.” my friend contemplated today.
The criminal on the cross shows us what true repentance looks like.
The result of true repentance is that we are with Him in Paradise!
Many of us have claimed that we are a slave to no one. Jesus would respond:
John 8:34-35, 44- “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. 35“The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever.”
44You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies 45But because I tell the truth, you do not believe me.
On the flip side unrepentance looks like:
There are no fence sitters. Faith is not dependent upon our parents faith or lack of faith. We must chose independently . . . will I go on cursing God and die in my sins, or will I accept that I am a sinner saved alone by his grace. One way or the other we are called to account for our actions. In this life or in death. Yes, forgiving others must be a part of our daily actions; Christ forgave the world because they did not know what they were doing, even as they crucified the Son of God. But, he also lay the ground work of repentance right up to the cross. Many believed as Jesus was being crucified! Like the criminal on the cross they saw the stark difference between themselves and the innocent lamb hanging on the cross.
It is hard for me to write that we either follow Christ or we follow Satan. I want to believe that mankind is naturally good. But in my own original repentance, the truth of Christ’s statements to those who were about to murder him, made me painfully aware of the gap between my guilt and Christ’s innocence. I was following Satan and despising Christ. It is in that uncomfortable place I was offered the free gift of Paradise– truth that daily transitions me from building my kingdom to delighting in His.
Forgiveness and calling to repentance are both necessary for head turning transformation. Some  will reject and some will embrace forgiveness and repentance, but both are necessary to accomplish Jesus’ work of salvation in us.
2 Corinthians 2:14But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. 15For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing;…
As I grieve I want to wear the perfume of triumph! It comes from knowing who God is, trusting what he is doing and believing he will reveal his truth through us. Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary explains that those who won battles were doused in sweet fragrances. My fragrance should be Christ because he is the source of my victories. I have had many! To claim victory we have to remember His faithfulness.
Too often I wear the scent of death. My circumstances are complicated and constant, but God is faithful to give abundant life. I see his hand so clearly, yet I turn my eyes to what isn’t and begin to act like God is not enough for me.
Today I allow you, Father, to wash away my sorrow. Lord, infuse me with the scent of understanding your ways. Discipline my brokenness. May my life become a beautiful fragrance of glory in the midst of a world filled with the dank scent of despair.
May I sit awhile and warm my soul in your eyes? Eyes
crackling and popping with stories stirred by
my need for hope. Hope boasting
of losses gained and tragic victories;
Of dreams, love and faith.
Faith refusing to be dampened by despair, quiet
constant discipline battling the reality of death.
Death is in your eyes. Eyes raised from
grave circumstances. Circumstances
are snuffing out my flame! Flame now fanned
by the passionate compassion of your hope. Hope
fueling my soul with logs of endurance, sparking
life in my dimmed eyes. Eyes that others ask to sit awhile
and warm their cold souls with the fire of my hope.
I’m not a minion just following Christ because he’s the biggest, badest dude. I am a follower of a God who is involved in my life, who cares, nurtures, laughs and cries with me. One who is moved with grief that we struggle so deeply with our depressed state. He is a God who comforts. Seems to me that a God who came off his throne, took on our flesh, limited himself to eat, drink and go fishing with us, would want his disciples to do the same.
Discipleship is messy. It means that we can’t keep our distance, it means that our sin marked scars will be exposed, and it means that we can’t be counting the numbers. Jesus went after the one who was lost, even if he had a crowd of followers. He helped the child destroyed by demonic forces. He healed the sick, he dined with tax collectors. He dined with Pharisees. God dined with me! I am that lost sheep that Jesus pursued. I am that one that he said was worth dying for. Anyone who wants to be a fisher of men has to be in the pool where the fish are biting. There is no formula, sharing the gospel is as individual as our fingerprints.
Discipleship starts with following Jesus.
“Come follow me, ” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men. Matthew 4:19 (Notice that Jesus didn’t say you need to make yourself a fisher of men. HE WILL MAKE us in his image!)
Seeing the needs of those around you.
When He saw the crowds, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Matthew 9:36
Acting on those needs now, the harvest is ripe.
Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. Matthew 9:37
Discipleship is not complicated, it is actually rather simple. In fact, many of our idols have “groupies” that make decisions on wardrobe, hair and behavior based upon the person they have plastered on their wall. Who are you studying? Who is it that you moves you to action? We all follow something or someone. I follow Christ and therefore my words are meant to draw you closer to the one who changed me!
There is nothing like witnessing  God’s love catching fire in the bosom of another. I get a front row seat to God’s unfolding plan in your life! I am in constant prayer as I speak to you, asking for discernment. Many of you are struggling with deep heart and soul pain, as well as physical. I don’t always say the right words and that used to bother me. But, sharing grace isn’t about perfection, it is about presence!
May I be a light, present in the darkness. True discipleship is sharing the reality of Christ’s active role in my life, I carry a cross, not a silver spoon! Life has not been easy for me; I have many sorrows.  I am learning to the depth of my being that my contentment comes from Christ alone, my hope is in him, and my joy is in that in his realm we are raised from the dead! For the past year I have been discipled, even as I disciple others. I was guided to scriptures that refresh my weary soul and speak truth over my circumstances when I find myself wanting to believe lies. I was strengthened by being in community with another, further along in her journey.
Participating in the Out of the Darkness Community Walk on Sunday I was deeply burdened and hopeful as I turned another page on suicide. So many men and women walked with me, deeply wounded by depression and suicide, just like me! I want to offer hope and discipleship gives me the opportunity to share through relationship. At times it feels like I’m attempting to hold back a tidal wave, but by God’s love, grace and discipline, I continue to stand in the darkness and cry out NO MORE! I cannot offer you anything less than what sustains me in my grief. Disciples of Christ do not stand alone, the Spirit stands with us. He lit the candles of the first disciples, and they lit many candles after Jesus, all the way to this present moment. Discipleship is lighting a candle, then another, and another until the world isn’t so dark any more.
Today is the day of my second Out of the Darkness Walk. My team is assembled and so far we have raised over $500 dollars. Walking to Turn the Page on Suicide is filled with hope! It may be one by one that we bring others out of the darkness, depression and suicide struggles are unique to each person, but this illness forces us to see others as individuals. There is no formula that will fix the epidemic. Three things I know are absolutes–LOVE, FAITH, and HOPE. Without these three core values I will falter and fail.
I was reminded this week that sometimes my need for immediate results makes me so short sighted. God’s perspective is above time and I can’t see two inches away from my face. Galatians 6:9-10:
9Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. 10So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.
Love, faith and hope are in this race for the long haul! Not a short sprint. Jesus came so that we may have life, abundant life and for some of us it takes time for us to accept abundant life. He was willing to go into places that “clean” people just wouldn’t go. Are you and I willing to do the same? Remember, as we offer all that we have to one lost sheep, we know that we do not walk alone.
It took me 20 years to accept abundant life. Many men and women planted seeds along the way. Some of them do not know how valuable there moments with me were, but I do! The Holy Spirit went ahead of these Christians to plow the hardened field of my heart so that one day a little plant emerged, then another, and then another. As I walk today planting seeds in the dark ground of depression and suicide, I hope, I love, and I have faith . . .
Job 42:1Then Job replied to the Lord:
2“I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
After a week of insomnia it is a miracle that I have managed to accomplish quite a bit today. I look more like a zombie. . . maybe I should try to walk onto the set of The Walking Dead (I think I’d blend into the extras just fine). I have been reduced to crying out to God, day after day. Give me rest! May you sustain me! May you be enough for me! Provide just enough for me today!
Have you been reduced to nothing in your flesh? You have come to the end of what you physically can push through. Like Job we want to sit on the ash heap of everything that meant something to us, and curse the day we are born. Just as God showed himself to Job, he gave gentle direction today. As I worked on the breakfast dishes the Lord flashed images of things to praise him for, and as I did, I found the energy to accomplish what is in front of me. Now I must praise him in my sleep.
Grief is not made for fence sitters. At this level it will either make or break you, there really is no in-between.. Grief reveals what you believe in your heart and then begs the question, “What are you going to do about it?” Do we define ourselves by what is taken from us or by what God has given to us?
Last night I melted down. Not because of bad things, but because through Jonathan’s death others, also deeply struggling, are choosing life. As good and amazing as those miracles are, I found myself saying, but I want Jonathan! Natural right.
Actually those of us who believe in Jesus Christ, who are being led by the Spirit and not our nature, need to be maturing towards believing death where is your sting! Otherwise, every time I am reminded of what I have lost rather than what has been gained, I am undone, derailed–my faith unravels. For some this may sound a bit uncompassionate, but let me give you some clear examples of what I’m talking about.
Would you want a surgeon operating on you who couldn’t get past the patient he just attempted to save that didn’t make it? Or would you marry someone still pining over the boy or girlfriend that they didn’t marry? That would be miserable!
I am a miserable Christian if I am still burying my dead and not following Jesus’ example.
Philippians 3: 11that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.. . .13Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16Only let us hold true to what we have attained.
The power of the resurrection is that what lies ahead is far greater than anything we leave behind! Like Paul I cannot claim that I have made this power central to my character yet. I have the head knowledge of this truth, but it has not penetrated my heart. The Lord has revealed (vs. 15) that heaven, and being with Jesus forever is still very abstract to me. But, Father I ask that you become my finish line! Open my eyes wide to your truth, your love and help me to mature in faith. May I become more focused on the living and celebrate with you that life is springing forth from Jonathan’s death. You are keeping your promise to me. Amen!
Proverbs 15:13 13Â A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.
The irony was not lost on my friend and I. The day we chose to do this photo op, my usually cheerful baby was having none of it. She was mad and crying the whole time. Sometimes our heart is sad, because it is broken by deep loss. Many times, even when I am laughing my eyes give me away. I got free crazy bread just the other day because the cashier thought I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. I want my words, my life, and my example to flow from a heart filled with unexplainable joy. I am just plain not there yet, so how do I transition from a sad to a joyful heart? Important Note: Scripture doesn’t say HAPPY, it says JOYFUL. I am not happy that my son is dead. I’m not happy that there is so much pain, sorrow, sickness and fear dominating us. I’m not happy that friends I hold dear are faced with divorce. I’m not happy about many things.
Happiness is very fleeting, but joy raises weighted shoulders, so that I can lift my arms to the heavens to give thanks no matter what crashes around me. This isn’t a blind action, you go into joy eyes wide open, joy must be intentional. Some of the most oppressed people are also the most joyful. Their hearts are wide open the possibilities in their suffering. They discipline themselves in reading scripture, fellowshipping together, prayer, and witnessing (attesting to what the have seen and heard).  Oh Lord, may I become so saturate in the joy of your presence that leaping, shouting, and singing become second nature. Amen.
Leviticus 26:19‘I will also break down your pride of power; I will also make your sky like iron and your earth like bronze. 20‘Your strength will be spent uselessly, for your land will not yield its produce and the trees of the land will not yield their fruit.
Hebrews 6:1Therefore leaving the elementary teaching about the Christ, let us press on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God. . .
I was putting forth a whole lot of effort, but wasn’t getting anywhere fast. I am out of shape, but the ground was flat and I was on a decent bike. The breaks were malfunctioning and telling the bike to stop while my pedaling was attempting to propel me forward.  Finally the breaks locked up with a loud screeching sound and riding it was now impossible.
Do you ever find yourself exasperated at impediments and saying, “Why is life so hard?” You are putting forth a whole lot of effort in your Christian walk, your witness, your relationship with God and yet feel exhausted and fruitless. Time to check the breaks. Sometimes we are stalled because God is putting the breaks on pride. It is so easy for us to fall into the cycle (all pun intended) of pride. Thinking that we’re winning the race because of own efforts–we are all that and a bag of chips! God is a good parent, and he won’t hesitate to strip us of our medals if we are using drugs (anything but him) to enhance our ride.
Other times we are the ones putting on the breaks because we are on a faulty bike. Our upbringing, abuse, brokenness, and insecurities are constantly halting any solid progress because we are unsure of God’s character, don’t trust him, keep using worldly thinking, or just plain don’t know we are in a system that is not working. Saul (renamed by God: Paul) thought that he was killing Christians in the name of God. He was raised to think a certain way, and these people of “The Way” were, in his mind, blaspheming God. God slammed on the breaks of Saul’s forward progress on the road to Damascus, letters in hand, to preform mass killing of Christians. God slowed Paul up with blindness, and opened the eyes of his soul to Jesus “whom he persecuted.”  God put Paul on a new bike.
Mom offered to push my bike and let me try hers. With very little effort, I was practically flying down the trail. I expended so much unnecessary energy on a bike built to go, that was putting on the breaks the whole way. Our Christian walk can be much like this. We are moving forward, yes, but we are spent in the process. We are still operating in old mind sets. We are in the pew, but resisting Christ. It feels like two steps forward and a whole lot backwards. When I began taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ my forward progress became easier. Christ said that we would bear much fruit when we are following him. If I am not, then it is time to check the breaks!
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/