When the dust settles over
grave and grass grows
thick over death, your life
still quickens in the womb of
a mother’s grief.
Posts Tagged: grief
Romans 8:15Â For you did not receive a spirit of slavery that returns you to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”
I do not grieve like someone who is a slave to my son’s death. Sometimes, just like the Romans, I need a reminder that I can cry out to my daddy when fear is attempting to chain me again.
Yesterday I met a friend to study scripture and pray together. I made it through all the markers of Jonathan’s death and did not break down. But grief is not dictated by routine or schedule.
As I walked into the restaurant two police officers were waiting in line to place their order. I have yet to overcome a visceral response to police officers, since it was a sheriff who had to deliver the news that my son was dead. Every encounter since has been sweaty palms, shaking, and near breakdown.
I want to overcome this reaction, but am not sure how. My friend, aware of my struggle asked if I was okay when I came to the table. I struggled to not completely melt into tears. She assured me, it is okay if I cry, each moment is valuable, even the hard ones. We began catching up, but the officers sat only a few booths away and I was barely holding it together.
Finally I asked, “Can you do me a favor? . . . Oh, never mind.”
But my friend wisely didn’t leave it at that. “You want me to ask them if there is anything we can pray for them?”
All I could do was nod.
They asked her to pray for their safety, and we did just that. She redirected my overwhelmed feeling into meaningful, and purposeful care for these two men. As a result it also brought peace and calm to my soul.
What are you facing right now that causes an uncontrolled, physical response? It doesn’t make logical sense, but you can’t stop reacting to past trauma. I encourage you, just as my friend took the reigns and led me through the dark moment, to find a purpose in your grief. Begin with prayer. Lift up the person, circumstance, or fear to God who loves you perfectly and can cast out all fear!
Love Always,
Karisa
Prayer:
Scripture: Lamentations 3:22 The LORD’S loving kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.24“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.”…
Thoughts:Â How do you turn the page on the hardest days of your life? In three years I have learned:
- Pray
- Be with family and friends
- Pre-prepare
- Hydrate
- Laugh
- Remember
- Praise
- Be present in today (pain, tears, joy, love, all is useful to God)
- Notice blessings
- Encourage others
Prayer:Â Lord, you are faithful in my sorrow today as I turn the page on the tragedy of Jonathan’s death, and another year begins. May others learn, live, love and grow because they see your presence in our lives. I find joy today because you are faithful. Thank you that Brian journeys through grief with me. Â Laughter is not distant because you have given me Daniel and Natalie. Thank you for time with friends this afternoon. I feel pain, but know it does not last. Your love, instead is eternal! Amen
John 3:16 For God so loved the world: He gave his one and only son, so that whoever believes in him will not perish, but have eternal life.
Daniel, age 10, asked if he could write for my post. So, I am honored to have my son be my first guest blogger.Â
Even the smallest of us can make a difference to family or a person hurt by loss. When I lost my brother, I asked everyone I met if they knew Jonathan. I wanted them to know he lived. By talking about Jonathan, I discovered that others had lost someone they loved. I could encourage them with God’s word and by listening and praying for them. John 3:16 helps me to remember that Jonathan is with Jesus, and his story did not end here.
God comforts me. Jonathan’s death has made me more scared of losing my parents because they have been very sick. I tend to cry when others lose someone in a movie, or I faced the death of my dog last year. I talk to God and he tells me I will be okay. He helps me to remember playing Nerf with Jonathan, creating a football field every Christmas as my present. I would wake up and look out the window and there would be a freshly painted football field and we would go out and play as a family. Sometimes when I go to bed, I ask my mom to sing a special song, because that is when I especially get sad or scared. Even though Jonathan’s death is tough on me, we have new family activities that we do. We are reading through the Bible and praying for Compassion International Families, together. We take a Mother’s Day hike every year at the cemetery where Jonathan is buried. Last year we made ornaments for Christmas, and crafts to remember favorite moments with Jonathan.  There are so many ways to remember him.
Anytime you feel the urge to pray for someone, I encourage you to lift them up to God. Loving others as God loves me helps me know that the sad times will pass and that he has a good plan for our lives.
John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it in all its fullness.Â
The contrast between my son’s life and death is always the strongest on this day! He cared about people deeply. He was always looking to help, encourage, and equip others, even as his own resources felt limited. His smile could brighten the darkest of rooms even as the embers were being snuffed out in his own soul. He defended underdogs, even when he couldn’t defend himself from the pain others inflicted upon him.
Today my son would have turned twenty-one. No mater what you think your life is worth, there is so much more to you. You were born for a purpose! I turn the page on my sorrow because I know that God valued my son, He is greatly grieved, and will hold to account those who hurt him. I pray that God turns the page on your despair. I say God, because for some of us, it is impossible for us to stop self-destructing. The Lord must remove the oppressive thief. I acknowledge that the thief is powerful, but nothing is impossible for God. He uses that power to give us life!
May the scales of who we think we are fall from our eyes and we now revere the sacredness of human life. God shaped us with his own DNA!!!! No other aspect of creation has that distinction. As long as we have breath, God gives us the opportunity for the fullest life through his son Jesus Christ! Mother Theresa and The Little Sister’s of the Poor, exemplify loving and valuing those the world casts out as worthless. Please hear me, you matter to me! The very fact that many of you chose to share your journey with me, encourages me on the darkest days. Fight! Allow God to heal the deepest wounds the enemy has placed in your life. Shout from the mountain tops that no one is worthless. It is God’s will that none should perish, therefore, it breaks his heart when we despair of life.
On my son’s birthday chose to embrace life!
I tell you, hopeless grief is passionless;
That only men incredulous of despair,
Half-taught in anguish, through the midnight air
Beat upward to God’s throne in loud access
Of shrieking and reproach. Full desertness,
In souls as countries, lieth silent-bare
Under the blanching, vertical eye-glare
Of the absolute heavens. Deep-hearted man, express
Grief for thy dead in silence like to death—
Most like a monumental statue set
In everlasting watch and moveless woe
Till itself crumble to the dust beneath.
Touch it; the marble eyelids are not wet:
If it could weep, it could arise and go.
Suicide took future pictures of you
So I open the locket of my soul wide.
And share who you were
Not who you will be.
I trace chubby cheeks, as the rhythm
of the rocker sings you to sleep. Breathe
deeply your baby scent.
I squeal with delight at first steps and words.
Bandage scrapes, wipe tears, and kiss bruises.
I listen to life beating hard with
challenges no child should bear,
and ache for God to heal you inside and out.
God, I try to understand why you allowed this unfinished
work of art to be painted into my life.
Today, I have no calls from your college dorm, no
laughter as you burst through the door for Christmas.
No bride on your arm, for me to share funny stories with,
and no grandchildren for me one day to cherish . . .
These are the things I can’t quite release. I long
for them. I had hoped for them. So I open my heart
wider still, until joy paints a new picture into  the
empty memories of where you should be.
I comfort myself by wrapping up in the
truth of who you were, not in the grief
of who you thought you should be.
Jonathan age 3
Do you wake up with a deep weariness? The sun is shining brightly, but the curtains are drawn closed inside. Like me, you may be taking in a breath and deciding what you want to do with your mashed up emotions. Look out the window and find mums and a Jarrito under your Jonathan tree . . .
Or at least that is what happened to me this morning. How did the sweet person know that my heart ached deeply this morning? They knew because my heavenly father knows and he lays it on the hearts of his children to minister to one another. So now I embrace sunshine and take a sip of memories.
Two things I challenge you to do, no matter your mood:
- Develop friendships!
- Yes, I know they are messy, but they are so valuable and necessary. Friends open the curtains of our lives, when we may be tempted to draw them shut.
- We help each other
- We grow better
- Develop traditions!
- Grief comes into every life. The things that we do, no matter what sorrows may come, make the difference between shutting down and opening our life and love wide to others
- Two years ago my neighbors planted an oak tree in my front yard and it has become a beacon, not just for my family, but for the neighborhood and you. You are not alone!
I sing when the horn
of victory is too faint with grief to hear. May belief
be the miracle in my melody, and others hear the harmony of heaven.
National Suicide Hotline
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/