Posts Tagged: suicide

depression aired out

Poetry Hope for Depression

Poetry Hope for Depression

Aired Out

Sucking in the stale air
of depression, regurgitating
regret day after day.

Throw open windows!

You break the seal of
our tomb of circumstances.
Resurrect the fresh fragrance
of hope planted in the sunshine of our dreams.
Filter life through the curtains of our mourning soul.

Invite us to open our eyes to Spring.

Turning My Page

One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?”

John 5:6 ESV

We couldn’t open our windows and I might have squealed when the installer replaced the old useless windows. Today the temperature finally dropped and we spent the day with the windows open. Throughout the day I found myself smiling and breathing in more deeply.

Depression also shuts down all avenues for fresh thought and truth to enter our souls. When I am in a pattern of fear, anger, doubt, and worry, I stop what I am doing and get outside. The sights, sounds, and illustrations of the outside remind me that nothing is impossible for God.

For example, my daughter’s plant she grew from seed, is now a flourishing loaded with plump almost ripe tomatoes. I thought it wasn’t going to make it. It was such a scrawny little plant at the start. We neglected it, but my neighbor spent time caring for it while we left for vacation. Ten days later, we came home to a plant loaded with buds. Now we water it every day. The plant didn’t change, its DNA told it what to do. My neighbor’s attitude changed ours. it was worth saving.

These illustrations in nature, remind me that I too must feed, water, and care for myself. When I feel fears, doubts, and worries closing in on me, a short walk outside, sitting on the porch, and photography at my favorite park all help expand my world. Despair is no match for a fresh perspective of hope.

Turning Your Page

Depression breeds in stale air. Therefore, in what ways can you begin keeping a fresh supply of new thoughts, memories, and experiences flowing in your life? Do you have a person who makes you laugh, or encourages you to step out of what currently feels safe? Reach out to them and see if they’ll send you a daily text, or go out for coffee. You may not feel better after opening your life to something new immediately, just as our eyes have to adjust after being in a dark cave, our soul has to find security in a new positive pattern.

  • Write down some things you’d like to do if you felt better.
  • Ask someone to take a short walk with you.
  • Do a word search on depression (despair), downcast in the bible. What does it say about the cause of these things and the remedy for them?

My struggle isn’t the end of the story. Open my eyes, Lord, to your love, provision, and answers through nature. Amen

Jesus Chose to Praise Rather than Curse God

COVID-19, Praise, or Curse God?

During the many shifts, changes, and difficult challenges caused by COVID-19, we can either choose to praise or curse God. As a result of your circumstances, what will you choose?


Relent, do not be unjust; reconsider, for my integrity is at stake.

Job 6:29 NIV

Turning My Page: My Response to Covid-19 is to Praise or Curse

I slammed my Bible shut. After spending a month with Job’s friends, I couldn’t take one more sentence of their arrogant presumptions about Job and God. “I can’t wait for you to speak,” I complained out loud to God.

God in his infinite wisdom answered back, “Oh really?” So, today, I listened to the first words God spoke to Job and his friends, and also heard him say to me, “How often do you lean on your own understanding, trying to explain why I allow suffering in your life? How often do you presume to know my ways and what I will or will not do in the lives of your children?”

God’s rebuke was not harsh,

but it cut through my self-righteous judgment of Job’s friends and placed me squarely in the storm of his answers to Job.

Reading through Job, you and I have the benefit of Chapter 1. This causes us to question God’s goodness because we know God calls Job, ” blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil”. God made it clear Job does not deserve what is happening to him. Take the first chapter out and we are just as blindsided as Job when his favored life turns hard.

Witnessing such great suffering I would have asked:

  • Is God punishing Job because he sinned?
  • Has God withdrawn his love?
  • Job was wealthy, therefore, is it a sin to accumulate possessions?
  • Is God allowing Job to suffer as an example of what happens when man thinks they are better than God?

Too often I presume to know why God allows suffering

in our lives rather than knowing and finding security that he is good and that I am part of God’s larger story for mankind. He does not answer to me, nor does he have to explain himself to me.

I pray that one day I can say, “Satan meant Jonathan, my oldest son’s, death for evil, but oh Lord you meant it for the salvation of many.” Suffering has a greater purpose, just as God had a divine purpose when he allowed Jesus’ death on the cross. I choose to praise you, Lord, just as Job chose to praise you even when he didn’t understand your full design.

Lord, you created the heavens, earth, and all that resides in it.

I don’t have the first clue of your purposes. But I do know you are good. I praise you for creating my life, giving me breath. You gifted my first child and transformed motherhood for me. As Jonathan was placed in my arms, I began to recognize your love for me as a parent. Therefore, I praise you in my suffering now after the loss of Jonathan. because I know you didn’t stop loving me. Again and again, you extend grace to me. You gave me a husband who not only committed his life to love me but knelt down and said vows to the seven-year-old son who looked up him with eager and nervous expectation. You blessed me with Brian, Jonathan, Daniel, and Natalie and even if the worst comes true in my life, you are still a good God.

Lord, you gave me your passion and creative spirit. I am in awe of scripture, you don’t leave me guessing. You tell me the beginning, middle, and end of your story. I know all I experience is temporary. Leave your mark on the world through me.

Turning Your Page

What are your current judgment of God during this pandemic, world suffering, and personal trials? Do you find yourself saying, I must have done something wrong, or what kind of god allows pain? Are his actions in your life measuring up to your beliefs and expectations of how a good God should act? God does not ever give Job a reason for his suffering, but he does establish authority in Job’s life, the lives of his friends, and over their circumstances. Is that a God you can live with? Job determined that yes, he could still worship a God that both took away and gave him good things. What do you say to the creator of the universe in your suffering?

  • What are your beliefs about God? How did they form? (example: I was raised in a Christian home, but also learned a lot about God through nature and reading on my own.)
  • How are your friends, family, and coworkers responding to God during COVID-19?
  • List the ways God is providing for and being active in your life. Spend time writing down praise for who God is.
  • How can you develop a COVID-19 praise over curse response?

Today I choose to say, “You give and take away, but still, I will praise your name.” Amen

Kathy is an Author, Speaker, Lay Counselor
Kathy Collard Miller

Interview August 25th at 7pm EST

My guest, Kathy Collard Miller. She is a lay counselor, author, speaker, and a person who struggled with anger and depression. Next week, we will discuss how God transformed and shaped her brokenness. and therefore he can shape us as well. Just like Job, we don’t always know why we suffer. Kathy’s testimony is an opportunity to see that our emotions are not beyond redemption. Be encouraged by this sweet and Holy Spirit-led woman. She has a catalog of resources to help you on your journey. Check out her ministry at Heart Change: Thirsting for God’s Living Spring

She will be offering giveaways of her two most recent books:

“God’s Intriguing Questions: 40 Old Testament Devotions Revealing Jesus’s Nature”
“God’s Intriguing Questions: 60 New Testament Devotions Revealing Jesus’s Nature”

Poetry posts this Thursday at 7 pm.

Open the door to truth

Prophetic Inspiration: Words to Embrace

And we have the prophetic word more fully confirmed, to which you will do well to pay attention as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts, knowing this first of all, that no prophecy of Scripture comes from someone’s own interpretation. For no prophecy was ever produced by the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.

2 Peter 1:19-21 ESV

Turning My Page: Apply Prophetic Inspiration

In the last two years, I experienced prophetic inspirations spoken over me. Faithful men and women have spoken God’s truth which again and again was reinforced by scripture in various circumstances.”I see an image of a yellow rose, preparing to bloom.” “You are a mother who will lead children to wholeness.” “Mom, read Ephesians 4:8.” “You are Esther.” Some knew me, others were complete strangers. I feel uncomfortable with my futures actions being foretold. It feels like having a bright light shining into my soul after remaining in darkness.

Prophetic Inspiration are words spoken over our spirit that point to God's love and purpose for our lives
Speaking Life Through Prophecy
Image by Gerd Altmann

What if I fail?

I have spoken words over myself for 42 (I’ll give my three-year-old self a break) years. You are ugly. You will fail. No one will love you. Stupid. You can’t do anything right. You will always be in pain. Why are you here? God couldn’t possibly use you for good. If a prophecy is simply an inspired utterance when you and I speak depression and darkness over ourselves, where is the inspiration coming from?

Losing Jonathan took a toll on what I thought about motherhood. The lie I accepted was, to invest in my child, love God, teach him to love God and everything turns out okay. When believers buy into the lie that accepting Christ leads to success and a trouble-free life Satan is setting us up for failure. Nowhere in scripture does it say this. Instead, Jesus says, “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” (John 16:33b NLT). Troubles do not negate the task God has given me to do. I am to “share the reason for the hope I have.” Read more on my Suicide Story.

Here are truths I now acknowledge since meeting Jesus twenty-four years ago:

While I recognize the above truths, I have struggled to embrace and apply them without wavering. I apologize that I have wasted a single second denying the words spoken over me and into me. God, you have been gently nudging me with these prophecies and revealing how uncomfortable I am with your truth and comfortable I am with my own brand of truth.

I embrace the inspiration God gives through the many experiences, scripture, and voices that encourage my spirit. Wholeheartedly I repent of the above lies I have consistently repeated. They do not align themselves with who Christ says I am. It is high time I with the full force of faith, hope, and love, accept what God keeps speaking over me.

Turning Your Page

This is your starting point. Will you embrace a new prophetic inspiration spoken over you? Depression no longer has the last word in your life. With God’s help, you will conquer the lie that this life is impossible to live and turn the page to find hope, faith, and love in each of your next days.

Pointing you in the direction you should go
Sometimes Others See the Path More Clearly

Choosing to embrace truth is bound to stir up resistance. As thoughts of darkness, hopelessness, and condemnation get loud, recognize that their inspiration is from Satan, the father of all lies (John 8:44). He won’t let up. To change this pattern God divinely removes the oppressive spirit or equips you to bear up under the attack. Don’t expect your feelings to always match the truth God is revealing in your life. If emotions matched truth, none of us would struggle with depression.

These truths take practice. As you read, understand the scriptures, and walk in obedience to the truth of God’s love for you, recognizing and applying prophetic inspiration will become easier. Be sure to note when God repeats his message of love from multiple sources. Despair will stop dominating your decision making and hope will help you turn the page on your darker days. God’s love will start prophesying over you and you will discern the truth of his purpose for you.

Action Pages

  • List out some of the things you hear yourself saying about yourself or others.
  • What does God say about the creation of you in scripture? (Genesis 1: 26-31, Matthew 10:29, Matthew 6:26)
  • As a result of what God says about His care for you, write out truths that are consistent with scripture, and begin repeating those daily and whenever the lies surface
  • Know that I am walking this journey with you and praying for you.

Today, I embrace the truth of scripture and your spirit of encouragement through others. I am who you say I am, and I will do exceedingly, abundantly all you call me to do. Amen

Redeem This Day

For You have delivered my soul from death, and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.

Psalm 49:15

Turning My Page

Tomorrow is an anniversary no one in my family wants to relive. Yet, every year, July 1st still arrives and we have to decide what to do with it. The sadness swallowed me up today so my husband asked me to share special memories of Jonathan.

Remembering and laughing brought me out of my funk and made me realize that I would have to be intentional about tomorrow.

  • Lord, I acknowledge that you are redeeming the ruins of my yesterday.
  • I remember and invite others to remember and share with me their memories of Jonathan’s character, his love for God, family, and friends, and the adventures and laughter
  • Have lunch at Moes
  • Sing and record my video on Psalms at the beach
  • Photograph what brings me joy and peace
  • Raise our Jarritos in memory of Jonathan

Father, redeem July 1st, and may I honor you, your love for Jonathan, and the perfect peace you give to me. Suicide is not the whole story. Amen

 

Turning Your Page

Do you have a day you need redeemed? Notice what makes the day hard. It may be injustice, it may be loss, anger. Don’t shy away from what you feel, because those emotions are as much a part of revealing God’s redemption as the good ones. There are so many things in this life that hurt. Learn to feel, but continue to write your story through the pain.

  • What makes the day hard? Sum up why this day seems to unwind any progress or growth you have made since your first moment of trauma.
  • Are there others who can help you through this day? List out some activities that bring you joy and pick one to do on your hard day.
  • Pick a song, psalm, or passage as your focus to read out loud throughout the day or meditate on. Acknowledge your heartache while moving your thoughts towards God’s perspective on your suffering.

Lord on my hardest day, you were there. Though all I may be able to do is cling to you when I remember that day, I know that you care for my every wound and bring healing and wholeness to my broken soul. Amen

 

 

Suicide Didn't Diminish Worth

Suicide CSI

When the dust settles on the grave,
the investigation begins. Dust for prints,
who’s to blame? Check every angle of motive
and spend countless hours of speculation.

None of it resurrects you.

No matter how often thought follows lead, the facts
remain concrete. I loved you. Valued you. And tore
up my knees praying over you.

What could I
have done differently
to save your life?

I spin the clock backward
toc-tic, toc-tic, until your heartbeat forms
in my womb. Rebirth of soul cradled in cells.
The tension of potential and unknowns recalibrated.

You are still not here.

Though I must pack up my crime scene tools,
press into living beyond your grave, I love you. I value you.
And I would do motherhood all over again still knowing…

You are not here.

The Big Picture of Us: Life after my Father’s Suicide-Guest Blog

That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

Romans 8:24-25 MSG

Turning My Page

I have a suicide story. My loss and pain connect me to others struggling with and hurt by despair. However, it is hope that moves each of our stories beyond the chapters of despair we experience to deeper love, redemption, and joy.

My guest blogger, Christina Rose is the author of My Appeal to Heaven, and just as she chooses to share her life with you I encourage you to share yours. If you have a story of hope like Christina Rose, I would love to share it on my blog. Email me at turningthepageonsuicide@gmail.com You are not alone and there are many of us building a mountain of evidence that this life is worth living, come what may.

Christina’s Story

When I was 21 years old, my father leaped to his death from the top floor of a government building in Washington, DC.  Immediately news reporters swarmed our home. I stood at the front door, holding my weeping mother, while my 12-year old sister looked on in shock.  After a few months of being on the news each day, they forgot about us, but we never forgot about Dad.

Dad was a sensitive, introverted man and compassionately took care of others while not expecting anyone to take care of him.  He kept most of his troubles to himself, not wanting to bother others. He was extremely stressed over mounting bills and kids in college and felt there was no way out. In his mind, we left him to pay the bills and did not appreciate him anymore.

The day after the funeral, Mom left for Greece for three weeks, leaving my sister and me to fend for ourselves. 

She was a travel agent and started taking any trips that offered an escape.  The trauma of dad’s death and my mother’s frequent absences sent us into constant PTSD and anxiety. Thoughts of suicide started haunting me. We were still in the family home with memories of dad. It felt like an ugly vulture was sitting on my shoulder, continually whispering dark, hopeless thoughts into my ears. I had night terrors with visions of dark, hideous beings running up and down the stairs. Instinctively, I would recite the Lord’s prayer, which was the only way I could get them to leave.

Dad loved to camp, and we had many remarkable adventures traveling in our Volkswagen bus.  When my daughters were born, I got my own Volkswagen bus to share my father’s love of camping. I would feel his presence strongly on these trips as I pitched the tent, made campfires, and cooked on the camp stove, just as he had taught me to do.  Sitting by the campfire at night, once the girls were asleep, it was so quiet that sometimes I felt that I could hear Dad speaking to me. He seemed to tell me that while he destroyed his body, his soul was still alive, and he had to go to his own funeral. He had to watch us all suffer because of what he did and no longer had arms to comfort us and a voice to tell us he was there. I felt him say, “If only I’d seen the big picture, there was a beautiful life planned for me after that storm I was in, I wished I’d had hung on and gotten through it for all of you.”

I wish he had hung on.

At the funeral, we learned that two of his friends were starting their own business and wanted Dad to join him. He could have quit the job he hated.  My brother had recently moved to Colorado to marry his high school sweetheart and join their family.  Our families were very close, so a few years after Dad’s death, the rest of my family joined them. Dad would have loved the adventure of living out west with our big family.  He never got the chance to meet any of his 23 grandkids or the more than 40 (and still counting) great-grandkids. He missed walking each of us three daughters down the aisle at our weddings and wasn’t there to help us when we needed him when we started families of our own.

 My father’s death and my struggle with despair have taught me that change is part of life, and storms always pass.  If we are still comfortable, we will never grow. The most difficult tests are often a catalyst that catapults into an upgrade in our life that we may not have considered if we had not experienced challenges.  If we can hang on and climb the mountains that face us, once we reach the top, we can see the view of how far we have come and trust that we need not fear the future. 

Never be afraid to ask for help in this process. None of us are equipped to live life alone.

Consistent, unconditional love and support are a lifeline to someone who feels hopeless. Reaching out with encouraging words, taking walks in nature, going to dinner, to movies, for coffee, a road trip, buying a puppy – engage in simple pleasures. Life is full of joy.  Position yourself to listen; people open up when they feel heard.  I pulled myself and my family out of this dark hole several times.  I sought the support of community and churches; they lift my spirit when I feel weak.

In the more than 40 years since my father’s suicide, I have learned many valuable lessons.  The way the universe, stars, sun, and moon operate daily testify to a perfect, divine order to all of life, down to the most minute, microscopic detail.  The earth is complicated. Millions of inhabitants and their diversity, the vast number of species and plants, and the millions of years that we have all existed, we must know that there is a perfect design for everything, including each of us.  It is not up to us to figure out the future but to trust that the creator already has a big picture of who we will be on his mantle.

About the Author

Christina Rose

Christina Rose is an author, trainer, and speaker certified by the John Maxwell Team of Leadership. She is a DAR (Daughter of the American Revolution) whose ancestors fought in the Revolutionary War. She is a world traveler, surfer, foodie, cappuccino loving chocoholic and a devoted mom to kids and dogs and auntie to over 40 nieces and nephews.
Christina’s book, My Appeal to Heaven, is her story. With her young family on the verge of falling apart, Christina finds herself in a desperate situation with no resources other than herself. After appealing to heaven, the Lord takes her on a journey of awakening and miraculous empowerment. That power is available to us all, especially those who are in need of hope and
freedom. Follow her at: christinarose.org

Turning Your Page

Compiling evidence that life is worth living requires placing hope in what you don’t yet see. Every single person who has ever moved beyond despair has taken that first step to hope for something different and then step into another unknown and then another. What step can you take today.

  • Observation is crucial in embracing hope. What are some characteristics you see in nature that reflect trust in the unseen provision of God?
  • Who in your life steps outside their current circumstances to trust in what they can’t yet see? What work or effort do they put in to maintain that hope? Do they experience set backs and disappointments? How do they get back up.
  • Meditate on Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Lord, my life is a mess and I am tired of the constant fight. Help me to see your promises and keep pressing into the fact that you are with me. Amen

Graceful Hope

Hope tilts the heavy head towards heaven,
widens weary eyes to witness rescue,
and laces up slippers for
you to dance in the fire of despair.

Ugly Duckling Interupted: Acrostic

You Were Always a Swan

You Were Always a Swan

Such an ugly duckling.” the others cackled, slapping the water in agreement.
(Your head ducked),
Under the burden of shameful stares.
(You swam away),
 Inclined to believe what others say.
(You)
 Couldn’t see the swan swimming smooth as silk on the other side of the reeds.
(Searching)
 Inside yourself for true identity.
(Your answers)
Decidedly never came.
(You)
Ended the story before your clouded reflection cleared.

Frozen Teenager

My walls look different.
My son’s sad eyes stare back
emptied of soul. Despair thinly masked
behind smile. A frozen teenager.
He doesn’t hand me new photos
of girlfriend, wife, or family,
at gatherings.

He stares.
Pleads.
Add photos to your story.

Hang snapshots of love,
forgiveness, generosity, and hope on
the wall of your soul–you are my new photos of him.

Turning Your Page

Our stories now overlap. I would love to frame a picture of you on my wall. Keep Jonathan’s story alive by living yours to the fullest, come what may. Email your story at turningthepageonsucide@gmail.com

Lord, bless the reader. Encourage their heart to see the possibility beyond suffering. Embrace them as they journey through this life, and may their walls be filled with the bigger picture of your story. Amen

Free Gift

Embrace hope in dark places.

Get three free printables of hope and encouragement when you sign up for my monthly newsletter.

.
Suicide & Prevention Hotline

National Suicide Hotline

If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/