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Posts Categorized: devotional

“I Just Want to Die”: Words of Deepest Pain

Posted July 19, 2016 | Karisa Moore

For many suffering from depressionÂ and their caretakers,Â ” I just want to die!”Â are the most painful words to hear and say.

DoÂ we freeze with fear whenÂ we hear those words? DoÂ we dismissÂ them as manipulative?Â Are we on our knees petitioning day and night for relief, as I was for Jonathan? How do we escape this painful pit of depression that often accompanies living difficult and painful existence? Who do we turn to for help? How can we combat an unseen enemy that so successfully tears our lives apart? Where is God in this pain?

Scripture is clueing me inÂ to God’s response to our spiritual health questions:

1 Kings 19:4But he himself went a dayâ€™s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die, and said, â€œIt is enough; now, O LORD, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers.â€

From Elijah’s struggle with depression I know that God allowed him to run away
God interacted with Elijah “What are you doing here?”
He fed, provided water and allowed Elijah to rest
God acknowledged that the journey was to great for Elijah
He commanded Elijah to go back the way he had come (stop running away)
Provided a companion to take over
Did not take his life

Mark 9:28 After Jesus had gone into the house, His disciples asked Him privately, â€œWhy couldnâ€™t we drive it out?â€ 29Jesus answered, â€œThisÂ [demon] cannot come out, except by prayer.â€Â

Prayer
Sometimes the only way of breaking through depression, mental illness and suicide is to cry out to the one who knocked down the walls of Jericho, made a child defeat a giant, and came to us in the form of a tiny baby to set us free from sin!
We aren’t talking the now I lay me down to sleep prayers, but the prayers that sweat blood, and wrestle with God expecting blessing–expectingÂ Him toÂ answer.

Ruth 1:â€¦16 But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or turn back from following you; for where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. 17“Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus may the LORD do to me, and worse, if anything but death parts you and me.” 18When she saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more to her.â€¦

Stand with the depressed
Go with them wherever they journey
Love God
Risk leaving the known to venture into the unknown
Make it clear that you are with them all the way

Nehemiah 2:2 Now I had not been sad in his presence. 2So the king said to me, “Why is your face sad though you are not sick? This is nothing but sadness of heart.” Then I was very much afraid. 3I said to the king, “Let the king live forever. Why should my face not be sad when the city, the place of my fathers’ tombs, lies desolate and its gates have been consumed by fire?”â€¦

Sharing
Speak up about what depresses us.
Acknowledge what we see in our friends.

Psalm 143:â€¦6I stretch out my hands to You; My soul longs for You, as a parched land. Selah. 7Answer me quickly, O LORD, my spirit fails; Do not hide Your face from me, Or I will become like those who go down to the pit. 8Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; For I trust in You; Teach me the way in which I should walk; For to You I lift up my soul.â€¦

Petition
Cry out to God
Be real with him
Listen for his love
Allow him to teach you the path through depression

Psalm 73:26Â My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 42:11 Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence.

Remember
God does not change and therefore we can count on his faithfulness no matter our failures
Praise is not dependent upon feeling

1 Samuel 16:23So it came about whenever the evil spirit from God came to Saul, David would take the harp and play it with his hand; and Saul would be refreshed and be well, and the evil spirit would depart from him.

Hope/Praise
Music can soothe the soul

Questions I plan on asking myself:

What am I doing in my depression?
Am I allowing God to provide food, water, and rest?
Am I confessing my fears?
Am I isolated?
Am I remembering?
What am I listening to?

Resetting My Mission: Together2016 Prayer Rally on the Washington Mall

Posted July 17, 2016 | Karisa Moore

Isaiah 61:1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Because the LORD has anointed me
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â To bring good news to the afflicted;
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â To proclaim liberty to captives
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â And freedom to prisoners . . .

Brian and I just got back from Together2016.

Together2016

Before Together2016:

Spiritual battle: I was struggling to trust God’s goodness and sovereignty in my husband’s illness, prayer, blogging, reading scripture all became 10X harder
Physical: I barely slept all week, Brian’s vertigo reached epic proportions by Tuesday, Daniel woke up crying out in pain and I was fighting sinus issues that was beginning to mess with my ears
Mind: I couldn’t process or remember things and I wasn’t sure that I could even engage the D.C trip enough to make it worth our while
Heart: I was growing bitter and angry

I felt cut off fromÂ God. I did not feel his hand guiding us through the ugliness of our circumstances. All I could see is that he wasn’t healing Brian and allowing more struggles than either of us could withstand.

What I didn’t know, until this morning, is that my 6 (almost 7) year old daughter checked on her daddy regularly throughout Monday, and each time she prayed for him. She prayed specifically that he would be well and be able to make the trip to D.C.

Wednesday morning Brian woke up with such exuberance and stayed that way the rest of the week, in spite of some rough moments physically. I sought medical care for my ears and the kids sang VBS songs every day with such passion that it ministered to my weary soul. Even when I struggled to cry out, God knew what I needed!

After Together2016

I am returning with a clear mission: I am to speak boldly into the darkness
Surrounded by such a cloud of witnessesÂ Â (some who are now new friends) I WILL NOT QUIT!
I am Â encouraged by a nation turning to pray for healing in the midst of so much world pain
I heard clearly from God
I am closer to my husband
Reset ofÂ purpose, and strengthened in offering the reason for the hope I have!
Abiding in Christ and trusting God with what I cannot see or fathom.

Together2016

God’s Tattoo (Isaiah 49:16)

Posted June 30, 2016 | Karisa Moore

I etched part of my story into my arms, temporary

tattoos of my brokenness that time will fade, but you

YouÂ hammered myÂ personhood into your hands

for eternity.

Dogged by Cynisim: Loving People More Deeply

Posted June 29, 2016 | Karisa Moore

John 15 The Message (MSG)

^11-15Ââ€œIâ€™ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. Iâ€™m no longer calling you servants because servants donâ€™t understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, Iâ€™ve named you friends because Iâ€™ve let you in on everything Iâ€™ve heard from the Father.

While cooling down after biking yesterday, I met a man walking his dog. When I asked to pet the dog, he explained that the dog was a police dog and he was unsure how he would react. He told me about the dog, clearly sharing his love for the animal. His current belief is that dogs are so much better than humans because they don’t lie to you, or let you down. A thinking, at one time, I would have agreed with.

Today I met him again and told him I had been thinking about what he had said. I made it clear that I understood being let down, but I’ve also discovered that people are worth the risk. He acknowledge that he had grown cynical. Again I relate, because I struggle with this temptation on a daily basis.

I catchÂ cynicism in my impatience with Brian and the kids, judgmentalness creeps in when I see the world hurting each other like I’ve been hurt.Â I expect more pain rather than more goodness. The wall, I thoughtÂ torn down in my 20’s, becomes surprisingly solid when I feel vulnerable. But, brick by brick, Christ bore the weight of every wall, our cynicism and our brokenness! He declared from the cross: YOU ARE WORTH REDEEMING! God showed me last night that dogs have to be trained and sent in to rescue people from burning buildings; peopleÂ choose to go into burning buildings to save.

God chose to save us cynics. Yes I have been let down by people, but if Christ chose twelve rough-around-the-edges men as his core group and came to call them friends, people are worth risk loving.

A Double Rainbow of Presence

Posted June 21, 2016 | Karisa Moore

Revelation 4:2At once I was in the Spirit, and I saw a throne standing in heaven, with someone seated on it. 3The One seated there looked like jasper and carnelian, and a rainbow gleaming like an emerald encircled the throne.

Genesis 9:13 I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth.

“Sometimes we need a double rainbow!” Daniel exclaimed after having a rough afternoon of missing Jonathan.Â “God really loves me.” We pulled off the road to take pictures. When our lives are filled with storms it can be hard to remember they will not last forever.Â We long for God to reinforce his presence, promise and provision. One rainbow, simply is not enough.

Head knowledge does not suffice when you are in prison, abused, grieving, sick, struggling deeply to overcome sin. Please hear me! Like any child needs to hear the words “I love you”,Â even thoughÂ they may not have the feeling to match, we consistently need reminders that God loves us. We are learning to correctly interpretÂ God’s ways and because he doesn’t operate inside our box we can interpret our circumstances as punishment. Only when we accept His love as irrefutable fact, allowingÂ Christ to make his passion for us a part of our being, do we stop being tossed around like ragdolls when the circumstances change.

In 10 days my son dies. Those are the circumstances of July 1st. My husband is very ill. My daughter and son have dietary issues. Those are the current circumstances of my day to day. I am learning that “even ifÂ __________”, God loves me. Look for the never the lesses”Â and “therefores” in scripture, because what follows is God!

Rainbows are a never the less symbol of his overwhelming love for us. A double leaves no doubt. Scripture is filled with men and women who needed a second sign to confirm that God held their circumstances and would bring good out their brokenness. Abraham, Sara, Moses, Gideon, Joshua, Naomi, Jonah, Esther, Mary, Peter, Thomas, Paul, the list is endless. In almost allÂ cases these mighty heroes of scriptureÂ came to a place whereÂ they obeyed God no matter what! So look for your rainbows and discover how trustworthy God is!

Do Not Anticipate

Posted June 11, 2016 | Karisa Moore

“Do not anticipate.” is the mantra pilgrims hear on the Walk to Emmaus. You do not take a watch, electronic device, or clock. People tell you where to go at the appointed times. It is the weirdest feeling to spend the majority of your life run by all of thee above and suddenly leave them all behind. But, you stop anticipating and begin living in the moment.

Today I realized that I am anticipating July 1st. My son dies that day and since his birthday in May my anxiousness and anticipation has increased. I was overwhelmed by a sense of impending doom. But, WE DON’T HAVE TO ANTICIPATE! If God is enough each day than what comes tomorrow really doesn’t matter to today.

July 1st will come, no matter what I anticipate and it will be whatever it will be. Jesus didn’t pray, “Give me enough bread for July 1st.” He prayed, “Give us, this day, our daily bread.” It is amazing the peace that washes over us when we stop anticipating and become open to God’s will, come what may. What are you anticipating?

God’s Signiture Piece

Posted June 6, 2016 | Karisa Moore

We are not dieÂ stamped, manufactured

on the factory floor and manhandled down

the assembly line, only to be discarded if we are

defective.

God’s hands took intimate pleasure

inÂ sculpting man and women.

He dug into earth, kneadingÂ clay into

his own image. Checking proportions, building

the detailed science of vein, muscle, bone and ligament.

smoothingÂ skin to skeleton withÂ thumbs, chiseling

eyes, curling lips and dipping dimples. When he stepped

back, he was pleased–

And signed his workÂ with his own DNA.

Love, the Remedy for Second Hand Depression

Posted June 2, 2016 | Karisa Moore

Job 30:15“Terrors are turned against me; They pursue my honor as the wind, And my prosperity has passed away like a cloud. 16“And now my soul is poured out within me; Days of affliction have seized me. 17“At night it pierces my bones within me, And my gnawing pains take no rest.â€¦

What do we do when loved onesÂ are giving up on life? Is there such a thing as secondhand depression? Yes, I believe that there is. Like Job’s wife, do we respond, “Curse God and die.”? I don’t think she said those things because she hated Job. I believe she had given into fear. Fear of the circumstances, fear of the onslaught, and fear of loss. She was like Ruth’s mother-in-law, telling her people to no longer call her Naomi, but to call her Marah (Bitter).Â We are asking, what kind of God allows this kind of suffering?!

The lastÂ year with Jonathan was hard! His personality changed so completely that sometimes he said awful things to us. He refused medical care, and he fought mightily with a desire to give up. I was on my knees crying out to God so many times that I was often horse. At moments the fear of losing Jonathan was more tangible than God’s presence, and I struggled to love. Fear and love cannot occupy the same space; fear isÂ a cancer, mimicking normal cells of concern so that we don’t fight its systematic takeover of our ability to love. But fight we must! I don’t mean strive and claw our way out of depression, I’m talking about LETTING GOD FIGHT FOR US. Only when I finally handed Jonathan’s wellbeingÂ over to God could I finally love my son, come what may. Those last few months were the best they could be between the two of us.

Mother TheresaÂ and the Sister’s of Charity ministered with love,Â to those often cursing back at them as they were dying. I have been studying her character for a while, and I am learning how much depression is based on control and conditions. I want to be in control and I am depressed when I am not. We want to be loved back! But oh the power to change the world, when we love from the vantage point of the cross. Are you in the midst of loving someone who may never love you back? Well God has been doing that since the creation of the world. For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only son. That whosoever believes in him, shall not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16) That kind of love is the model for how we are to love those who are struggling with depression. Accepting His loveÂ which has no possible repayment is the cure for secondhand depression.Â Loving like ChristÂ is productive suffering!

Accepting the Lifeline: God’s Yoke is Light

Posted May 29, 2016 | Karisa Moore

Matthew 11:29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.â€

If you’re a Christian andÂ His yoke doesn’t feel light, why is that? I used to think a light yoke meant my circumstances weren’t heavy, but clearly my circumstances are extremely heavy. Our yoke becomes light when we know God’s gentleness and humility so well that the yoke is nothing in comparison. Paul touches onÂ the difference of our earthly weight compared to the heavenly yoke,Â in Romans 8:18Â I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.Â If my yoke still feels heavy, it is because I am the one still carrying the weight! I don’t know or trust God’s character; giving him fullÂ reign of my life.Â The yoke becomes lighter and lighter when IÂ love Him completely and recognize his complete love for me. Have you ever been secure in that kind of love? Can we accept thatÂ he carriedÂ our burden on the cross, and therefore, find rest (relief) in the yoke of our savior.

Much of faith is getting to know our master’s character so well that we trust him implicitly. Think of it this way. We are drowning in sin, sin we are doing, and sin that someone is enacting on us. We are exhausted and God has thrown out his life line. We must choose to grab the line before we can rest and allow him to pull us to safety. Now I can keep attempting to save myself, or allow others to pull me under in their misguided attempts at saving me, or I can trust the character of God. This is so much easier when we get to know his character. We read his love note (scripture) over and over. WeÂ witness that he has rescued others, we ourselves might have thought hopeless, and we act on his character over and over. I’ll grab the lifeline of the certified swim instructor who has swum the channel! Jesus swam the channel of humanity! He tells us his yoke is light, because he wore the yoke of his father, and knows it to be true.

Observe His gentleness and humility throughout scripture. Don’t discount his love for mankind in the Old Testiment as well as the New. From the birth of creation he has loved and called you by name. We have to decide, will we take His yoke upon us? Will we accept the lifeline and rest?

Indulging in Obedience

Posted May 27, 2016 | Karisa Moore

Matthew 4:3 And the tempter came and said to him, â€œIf you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.â€ 4But he answered, â€œIt is written,

â€œâ€˜Man shall not live by bread alone,
but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.â€™â€

For two months I have been more intentional aboutÂ exercise and healthier eating. And for two months my weight has wavered at about the same weight, but never decreased. I have not grown discouraged because I know I am doing the work, but yesterday I asked God why? And he answered.

It is about control. He’s in control, and I am not. Whether it was anorexia or overindulgence, my unhealthy relationship with food has always been all about me. God wants all of me, not just what I choose to give him, and therefore, he is not allowing the needle to move until He matters to me more than results. Will I love him, praise him and obey him if the needle never moves an inch? When I am satisfied with God alone I will no longer be prone to extremes.

Whether food or other addictions, I am convinced and convicted that when God is the center of our universe nothing else satisfies. Jesus rebuked Satan by stating that man doesn’t live by bread alone, but by every word of God. In other words, obedience to God is more important than filling my belly. In the Old Testament story of Babylonian captivity, Daniel and his friends refused to eat the rich food of the king, because God had commanded them not to;he had set them apart. Their obedience was rewarded with better health and position, over those who ate the food. It wasn’t about the food, it was about obeying God. God gives favor in all areas, even in enemy territory when we give control to him.Â Trusting that God wants good things for me, I don’t have to take matters into my own hands, which is the starting place of addiction. And, with God in charge I am no longer a slave to food!

Posts Categorized: devotional

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