I didn’t quit my job of loving, when you stopped punching your time card.
I clock in to life, Â heart uncallused by the
rough, 24-hour, work of losing. I freely
hope, with splinters of grief digging deep into my soul.
Faith, joy and compassion embrace the world
with a work ethic that suicide cannot render
unconscious to the world around me.
Day 16 (Originally posted on Facebook, 16 days after my son’s death)
Job 3:11 a, 26: “Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?. . . I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.”
Throughout my scripture reading I have always struggled with Job and other bearers of great suffering. Why would God allow Satan to test Job? He even goes so far as to point Job out. Can you imagine the God of the Universe pointing you out for Satan’s “special” attention? “Have you considered my servant …___________?”
No thank you!
“She has the patience of Job” is used when describing someone who is enduring great suffering. What do patience and suffering have to do with each other?
Patience: from the Latin word patiencia- “endurance”, from pati- “to suffer”.
Alright, so suffering is in the very meaning of patience.
Job suffered the loss of all his children, his livelihood, and his health. He even had to suffer through the speeches of three friends who have been nicknamed “miserable comforters”. The closest that the devil can get to having Job curse God is to curse his own birth. But, at the end of the day God had final say over even that. “Where were you when. . .” (38:4) In other words, I am God and you are not.
God doesn’t always tell us why we suffer, but he did not spare his own son, who was without blemish, and look at the results of Jesus’ suffering the cross. Many are saved. I have seen enough examples throughout scripture and in life to know that suffering comes, and that I always have a choice as to how I will respond to it. To truly love others, patience must be the first part of my response. 1 Corinthians 13:4 says love is patient,” . . . Without patience love doesn’t stand a chance. Patience, at its core, means that I am giving up my right to have my way; that I am “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation or the like.”
Barbara Johnson, one of my all-time favorite humorists said, “Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears.”
Today I practice idling my motor, accepting God’s will for my life. The result is ALWAYS that many are saved. Just ask fellow sufferers, Joseph, Moses, Job and Jesus. Our suffering produces good things when we obey the will of God.
1 Peter 5:7Â Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
So, I am blessed with strep and possibly the flu this weekend. There is not a joint in my body that doesn’t hurt right now. Yet, God in his infinite wisdom, brings me peace and perspective in the midst of my discomfort.
It is so important to see that the world doesn’t stop running when I am incapacitated. Many of you know how hard it is for me to allow others to care for me. I kept trying to push through, but my entire family insisted that I rest and allow them to do my routine. I have slept more now, than I have in weeks. Brian took care of the dog and cat I’m pet sitting. Daniel was my gofer yesterday while Daddy and Natalie danced the night away at a Father Daughter Dance. He heard the phone page (I have no voice) and came running to help me in anyway he could.
So many of us must be brought to our breaking point before we allow God to help us. We need to relax into his love, compassion, and care. Get used to operating within his easy yoke (Matthew 11:29-30).Why do you think it is so difficult for us to cast our anxieties on Jesus? What is at the heart of this human struggle?
I didn’t press replay but, there you were
smirking in my dreams, and I search each one
hoping to find a clue.
Scripture:
Romans 1:15 That is why I am so eager to preach the gospel also to you who are in Rome. 16 I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes,first to the Jew, then to the Greek. 17 For the gospel reveals the righteousness of God that comes by faith from start to finish, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.â€â€¦
Thoughts:
If faith in Jesus Christ were dependent upon where we were born, who our parents are, or what religion we were brought up in, then the divisions in our beliefs would be concrete walls that were impenetrable. But trust in God, belief in His son Jesus is found throughout the world. Why?
Prayer:
Father, I praise you that you want to be known! You are not an inactive, distant God. Your will is done on earth as it is in heaven. Thank you for letting me be an instrument of your will. May my testimony of what I see and hear of you encourage all who cross my path. Amen
Isaiah 41:…30 Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, 31 Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.
This is the strength I desire Lord! Being with you is the refreshment I need to do your will today. Thank you for being present with me, loving me, disciplining me, giving me hope. You are the reason I turn my page, and you alone turn my sorrow into gladness. Amen
I tremble at blank pages. Penning
next days crumbled outtakes until
there are no words left for today.So I
steep myself in tea
and toss words like an abstract artist
until the page is stained
with tea and ink blots resembling
hope and substance.
Zechariah 7: 9“Thus has the LORD of hosts said, ‘Dispense true justice and practice kindness and compassion each to his brother; 10 and do not oppress the widow or the orphan, the stranger or the poor; and do not devise evil in your hearts against one another.’
Some of are still holding onto the Ex box. The Ex box is anything from our past, our old life that we do not let go of, or give over completely to God. It can be photos, notes, an object and ultimately it can be held tightly in our thoughts. I am pausing from sorting through Jonathan’s box of things to tell you I just threw away a bad memory I gripped tightly. Jonathan had many harsh realities to deal with, and he had some choice words he wrote down on paper about someone who was hurting him. Why keep such a note?
These are the reasons I have held onto this sheet of paper. And even as I read it, I felt my heartache stirred. But, I declared out loud, “THIS DOES NOT HELP ME!” And, in a decisive move I balled it up and tossed the note in the trash.
What do you have in your box? Is there one thing you can give to God that you desperately want solved, fixed, or don’t understand? Declare out loud the truth over the object and release it. Embrace the far better future God has for us and let go of the Ex.
My prayers are with you!
No words, just erupted scream–
an earthquaked soul
in the crumbled devastation of a child “deceased”.
And with equal force the Spirit pushed back
against caving walls of motherhood.
Opening resurrection doors
to the Father’s will
that no temporary grave consumes. Building
fortified love and hope where there
are no words, just a heart that welcomes orphans in.
Sleep sacrifices itself,
nervously walking the halls of your
mind, jingling uneasy keys of security. Sensing
a breach, depression silently
intrudes, slithering around
restless souls, squeezing sincere
serenity from the sheets
of sanity. Until you surrender
to the venom of its lullaby.
P.S. I know insomnia well. Some of my earliest memories are severe nightmares and lying awake all night. I share this struggle with you because the desperation for sleep can lead to impulsiveness, and choices that a mind refreshed by sleep would not make. Even still my hope is in the Lord.
I don’t know why he has allowed this thorn in my flesh to remain. Maybe it is to encourage you in a moment of hopelessness! Even while I suffer I will turn this page, and remember that God makes each day new. You too are longing mind, body and soul for rest and may be tempted to, or, already are attempting to self medicate to attain sleep. Do not fight this battle alone. Turn the page on this night, with me! Lean hard into Christ, who was so tired he fell asleep on a boat in the middle of a storm. Like him, trust God to get you through this storm. My prayers are with you. Here are some scriptures to meditate on as we lay our weary heads on our pillows:
Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are
steadfast, because they trust in you. …
Mark 4:39… waves, “Silence! Be still!” The wind sank, and a perfect calm set in. … He awoke, and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still …
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/