Posts Categorized: suicide

Anniversary Letter

Posted June 17, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Dear Reader,

The day my eighteen year old son’s suicide is fast approaching and I don’t want to celebrate. It was a horrible, mind numbing, and life altering day of deep agony. I don’t want it to be an anniversary of his death, but a day we chose to live! I want it to be the day that you declare “You knit me together in my mother’s womb, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that full well!”

I want it to be a day that we reach beyond barriers to share that we matter to each other. I long for it to be a day that the one thing you thought you couldn’t accomplish that you complete. I want it to be a day that every breath matters. I want it to be a day of thanksgiving. If you haven’t begun, may it be a day of beginning. I want it to be a day that you realize that all things are possible through Christ! I want the things that lie dormant in each of us to see sunshine and blossom. I want you to write another word, another sentence, another paragraph and another page until your book is complete.

Your life touches mine. We aren’t separate, we aren’t isolated, and your story matters to me and so many others. There are so many things accomplished by people in deep hardships, how can we not look at their witness and break the chains of depression? How can we not root each other on to complete our mission. Be bold, be courageous, and be sure footed in your journey. You may have struggled with turning the page on Jonathan’s death, on the death of other friends, on divorce, on illness—turn the page. God turned the page on sin and death through his son dying on the cross. The disciples turned the page of resurrection to share what they had seen and heard. We don’t need to torture ourselves, we don’t need to prove ourselves and we certainly will never earn grace. Each day is a free gift. Love, live, and write each moment well! That is the anniversary I will celebrate.

Sincerely,

Karisa

Comment
Share

Questions for those who Grieve

Posted June 9, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Been a bit occupied with a certain mouse these past few days so I haven’t had a chance to write until today. Extravagant fun is hard for me. I know its early, but I’d kind of like to stop searching for Jonathan in the crowd. I know where he is, but it is like my whole system of being needs a reboot. For eighteen years my son was a part of my everyday living in someway, and though I know no one is wanting me to erase him as if he never existed, there is an expectation for me to enjoy what I do have in front of me today.

As I grieve, evenings are the hardest. I’m weary, my defenses are lower, and I seem to get more gut punches after 6. I tend to go inward, rather than connect with my surroundings. So I’m trying to figure out how to move through those hard moments. Any suggestions from my fellow grievers? How do I manage the darker moments without disconnecting from my family or the good memories that could be developed.

Comment
Share

Survivors of Suicide Support: Reaching out for understanding

Posted June 2, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Today has not ended as it began. I was down, really down. I mean so far down that the enemy attempted to take ground long since won in my life. It was that way until just an hour ago when I went to my once a month survivor’s group. I felt so dead inside as I walked into that crowded room. It seemed like each person touched a different part of my heartache and gave me permission to be where I am. As I left I determined two things.

1. It is okay for me to enjoy life ( Jonathan would dismiss what I now see as guilt for living as silly.)

2. It is okay for others to be where they are. Not everyone will understand my grief and I don’t want them to, because if they did, it would mean that they too have lost a child to suicide.

Comment
Share

The “Window to the Soul” is Through the Eyes of Jesus Christ

Posted June 1, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Isaiah 53 3He was despised and rejectedb by men;a man of sorrows,c and acquainted withd grief;e
and as one from whom men hide their facesf he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

How did Jesus do it? How did he see past the masks to see our brokenness in the context of our soul’s deepest needs? “Man looks at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) Is that our problem? We never get past the surface of what we think we know and see in others. Certainly that seems to be the case in my son’s circumstances. To turn the page on suicide we must retrain our eyes to look deeper than the surface, but how? . . . The only what is through the eyes of Jesus.

1. Jesus was totally in tune with the will of his father.

2. He broke the bondage of the sinful desires through preparation (prayer fasting, meditating on scripture, and testing).

3. He listened for the Holy Spirit to guide him in seeing the whole context of the person.

4. He acted quickly, yet methodically, and perfectly to each and every encounter with men and women.

So while cultivation of disciples can take several years, changing someone’s life can happen in a moment encounter! You don’t have to be deeply invested and know everything about a person, or even be their friend, to truly see the depth of who they are and their need. Many of Jesus’s encounters were with strangers that are never given a name in scripture. We simply need to abide in Jesus and act on his calling. When I know and trust the character of the Trinity I see more clearly the souls around me and not my unclear and shallow prejudices of outward appearances.

Comment
Share

Embracing Suffering as a Ransom for Many

Posted May 27, 2015 | Karisa Moore

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:18-25 NIV

Turning My Page

Embracing suffering requires us to accept that God subjected all of creation to futility and frustration. When my son was three he would say, “You got me in trouble,” as my husband and I disciplined him for disobedience. In those moments Daniel forgot that we loved him, he forgot we wanted good things for him, and he didn’t understand the purpose of our saying no. We frustrated his plans.

I don’t tend to struggle so much with rejecting discipline when I have done something wrong, but sometimes good plans, plans of following Jesus and living life to the fullest have been frustrated,  not of my own making. This was a stumbling block for me growing up and still trips me up as an adult. I was abused, neglected, and experienced injustice after injustice. Now, I have lost a son, a son that turned me to God. What kind of God allows this kind of suffering for a daughter that he loves?

Paul tried to make clear that the suffering we experience (whether a believer in Jesus or not) is so that we can be free from death (a consequence of sin) and made alive through Jesus. This can be extremely hard to accept for three reasons:

  • It is the complete opposite of our worldly thinking
  • No one wants to suffer, and
  • We don’t always see immediate results in our suffering.

I think that if I do good, such as raise Jonathan as a Godly mother, I should receive good outcomes.

Turning Your Page

How often do we say, “I deserve this?” TV commercials dangle their items and encourage us that we deserve whatever item they are selling. If God gave us what we deserve it would be death, an eternal separation from him. (Romans 3:23) I forget that Jesus was perfect and we crucified him. If doing good was enough for our salvation then he should not have been put to death.

So if the son of God wasn’t spared suffering, then maybe my definition of suffering needs to change. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” God prepared me for Jonathan’s death (my current suffering) with this verse. I don’t know about you, but I tend to bristle when people throw out this verse when we suffer. I can tell the difference when someone clearly knows and believes what they are saying and when someone is just spouting something that sounds good. THIS IS A CRUCIFICTION BELIEF! I am saying that I believe that everything that I have experienced, the abuse as a child, the despair as a teen, the suicide of my son works to glorify God! That has to be a core transformation because it goes against my desire for self-preservation. God even uses fleas; just ask Corrie ten Boom who scoffed when her sister praised God for the fleas. God doesn’t use fleas for his glory! She found out later that the prison guards did not interfere with the bible-study that she and her sister led with the other prisoners because they did not want to get fleas. (The Hiding Place) Not a single bit of our experiences are wasted.

We need to look no further for an example of struggle with suffering than the Rich Young Ruler. For the disciples Mark 10 is a lynch pin moment. The rich young ruler runs up and bows to Jesus. He calls Jesus “Good Teacher”. And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone.” Already we can see that his thinking is not the same as Jesus’ on what constitutes goodness. 18The rich young ruler wants to know what he must do to inherit the kingdom of heaven. They run down the list of the 10 commandments and the young man has to be getting excited, because he has kept those commands. But, wait there is more! Jesus tells the rich young ruler, whom he loves mind you, “Sell everything you have, give it all to the poor, come follow me and store up treasures in heaven.” The rich young ruler loses heart and leaves because he has great wealth. Jesus, thinking is the complete opposite of the young ruler, as well as the disciples. Jesus tells the disciples that wealth cannot save us. “We have left everything to follow you.” The disciples say. They might as well have said, “We have left everything, because we thought you were going to make us rich.” The cup that Jesus drinks from is one of suffering! The rich young ruler was going to have to trade in his “tangible” results for the intangible, not yet seen results in heaven!!! Many walk away from Jesus today for this very same reason. I’m first to admit that I often struggle with a desire for immediate results in my obedience to God!

When my focus is on the immediate results that I think that I should obtain, such as I accepted Jesus, I turned my life around, I raised Jonathan as a godly mother . . . I, I, I . . . should have a son that succeeds in life and does not die. You owe me God for all that I sacrificed to follow you. This thinking is small, whereas God’s is so much bigger!!! Mark 10:45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” My current suffering, the loss of my son will be to God’s glory! What if the suicide rate, the hopelessness felt by so many turns around because God allowed this suffering in my life? I know it is hard for us to embrace the truth that God works even horrid things in our life to his glory, but I have seen way too many examples of that occurring to dismiss it as “Christian silliness”. Not the least of which is the Son of God, being mocked, lashed, and crucified by men and women wanting immediate results from this supposed king! Only to have Jesus turn the tables on death and save those very same people who put him on the cross. Over 2000 years later my faith is a result of Jesus’ suffering. I am grateful that God caused all of creation to be frustrated in sin, so that I now have hope that is not limited by circumstances and that I can offer that same hope to you.

Comment
Share

Join Me in my Tears

Posted May 21, 2015 | Karisa Moore

John 11:35 “Jesus wept.”

“Oh let me join you in your tears.” Natalie said cheerfully bouncing over to me last night as I broke down in tears during prayer time. After some great weeks, I once again feel as if my heart can’t withstand the loss of Jonathan. The silence of his presence is deafening! Sometimes I just need someone to join me in my tears.

Jesus didn’t have to cry. He knew what he was about to do. He didn’t say, “Buck up Mary, don’t you trust God, don’t you trust me?” He missed Lazarus too. Jonathan may be in heaven, but his body is still here. I truly believe that God mourns with us our loss. It may be temporary, I am learning to see Jonathan’s death in light of eternity, but Jesus had eternity in mind and still wept. Loss is real, loss is present, and loss is ongoing. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I take comfort that Jesus joins me in my tears.

Comment
Share

You Knit Motherhood into my Soul

Posted May 10, 2015 | Karisa Moore

On this day you knit motherhood into my soul

Sweeping away cobwebs of brokenness and rebellion

Filling my world with the vivid colors I grew up missing

You deepened my breath, made me reach deeper inside

for strength that I had never explored, laughter never expressed, and hope unquenchable

by death.

On this day you made me a mother, and not even the grave can swallow my

joy.

Comment
Share

Adjusting My focus from the Grave to Christ

Posted May 6, 2015 | Karisa Moore

When I took this picture I was frustrated that my kids were blurry; the camera focused on the headstone.  But, the image reflects my grief. The grave looms large and it difficult to concentrate on anything else. What looms large in your life? How do we bring into focus the truth of God’s love for us which in turn brings into clear focus those we love, his plan for us and the needs of others?

Focus on Christ as my Center through:

Scripture: But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:.. Lamentations 3:21

Prayer: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything through prayer and petition . . .Philippians 4:6-8

Witnessing: . . .you will be my witnesses . . . Acts 1:8  (no one else can share your story)

Fellowship: Do not stop meeting together as some are in the habit of doing . . . Hebrews 10:25

As I struggle these past two weeks with Jonathan’s birthday I realize that I have pulled away from these four foundational truths in my life. So today I renew these verses in my mind, and open myself to a clearer view of God, my husband and  children, and others. Yes, the grave is concrete in my life right now, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot bring into focus God’s will. I just need to adjust my lens.

Living Among the Dead

Comment
Share

A Little Closer to Death

Posted May 4, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Short visit among the gray stones of remembering

Words emptied when you sunk into the earth

Silence

our new conversation.

In the quiet bosom of your death the throbbing heartbeat of creation

draws my attention away from you

and I watch life flit like spirits dancing amongst

gray stones, a little closer to death than they want to be.

Comment
Share
Suicide & Prevention Hotline

National Suicide Hotline

If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/