I didn’t quit my job of loving, when you stopped punching your time card.
I clock in to life, Â heart uncallused by the
rough, 24-hour, work of losing. I freely
hope, with splinters of grief digging deep into my soul.
Faith, joy and compassion embrace the world
with a work ethic that suicide cannot render
unconscious to the world around me.
Isaiah 41:…30 Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly, 31 Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.
This is the strength I desire Lord! Being with you is the refreshment I need to do your will today. Thank you for being present with me, loving me, disciplining me, giving me hope. You are the reason I turn my page, and you alone turn my sorrow into gladness. Amen
I tremble at blank pages. Penning
next days crumbled outtakes until
there are no words left for today.So I
steep myself in tea
and toss words like an abstract artist
until the page is stained
with tea and ink blots resembling
hope and substance.
Zechariah 7: 9“Thus has the LORD of hosts said, ‘Dispense true justice and practice kindness and compassion each to his brother; 10 and do not oppress the widow or the orphan, the stranger or the poor; and do not devise evil in your hearts against one another.’
Some of are still holding onto the Ex box. The Ex box is anything from our past, our old life that we do not let go of, or give over completely to God. It can be photos, notes, an object and ultimately it can be held tightly in our thoughts. I am pausing from sorting through Jonathan’s box of things to tell you I just threw away a bad memory I gripped tightly. Jonathan had many harsh realities to deal with, and he had some choice words he wrote down on paper about someone who was hurting him. Why keep such a note?
These are the reasons I have held onto this sheet of paper. And even as I read it, I felt my heartache stirred. But, I declared out loud, “THIS DOES NOT HELP ME!” And, in a decisive move I balled it up and tossed the note in the trash.
What do you have in your box? Is there one thing you can give to God that you desperately want solved, fixed, or don’t understand? Declare out loud the truth over the object and release it. Embrace the far better future God has for us and let go of the Ex.
My prayers are with you!
No words, just erupted scream–
an earthquaked soul
in the crumbled devastation of a child “deceased”.
And with equal force the Spirit pushed back
against caving walls of motherhood.
Opening resurrection doors
to the Father’s will
that no temporary grave consumes. Building
fortified love and hope where there
are no words, just a heart that welcomes orphans in.
Sleep sacrifices itself,
nervously walking the halls of your
mind, jingling uneasy keys of security. Sensing
a breach, depression silently
intrudes, slithering around
restless souls, squeezing sincere
serenity from the sheets
of sanity. Until you surrender
to the venom of its lullaby.
P.S. I know insomnia well. Some of my earliest memories are severe nightmares and lying awake all night. I share this struggle with you because the desperation for sleep can lead to impulsiveness, and choices that a mind refreshed by sleep would not make. Even still my hope is in the Lord.
I don’t know why he has allowed this thorn in my flesh to remain. Maybe it is to encourage you in a moment of hopelessness! Even while I suffer I will turn this page, and remember that God makes each day new. You too are longing mind, body and soul for rest and may be tempted to, or, already are attempting to self medicate to attain sleep. Do not fight this battle alone. Turn the page on this night, with me! Lean hard into Christ, who was so tired he fell asleep on a boat in the middle of a storm. Like him, trust God to get you through this storm. My prayers are with you. Here are some scriptures to meditate on as we lay our weary heads on our pillows:
Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are
steadfast, because they trust in you. …
Mark 4:39… waves, “Silence! Be still!” The wind sank, and a perfect calm set in. … He awoke, and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still …
I am Juliet, romancing
depression like a star-crossed
lover, and drinking a poisoned vial of knowledge
to freeze the tic-toc of suffering. Graves and rosy
cheeked epitaphs serendade my hopes and dreams
with youthful ignorance. We elope to escape the tyranny of
commitment. Brow, not yet soiled by sweat, does not
have the strength to withstand suicide’s slander. So I lie, willingly,
in wait for my Romeo to rescue. And leave the priests to ask,
“Death, what are your intentions?”
Suicide took future pictures of you
So I open the locket of my soul wide.
And share who you were
Not who you will be.
I trace chubby cheeks, as the rhythm
of the rocker sings you to sleep. Breathe
deeply your baby scent.
I squeal with delight at first steps and words.
Bandage scrapes, wipe tears, and kiss bruises.
I listen to life beating hard with
challenges no child should bear,
and ache for God to heal you inside and out.
God, I try to understand why you allowed this unfinished
work of art to be painted into my life.
Today, I have no calls from your college dorm, no
laughter as you burst through the door for Christmas.
No bride on your arm, for me to share funny stories with,
and no grandchildren for me one day to cherish . . .
These are the things I can’t quite release. I long
for them. I had hoped for them. So I open my heart
wider still, until joy paints a new picture into  the
empty memories of where you should be.
Philippians 2:…26For he has been longing for all of you and is distressed because you heard he was ill. 27He was sick indeed, nearly unto death. But God had mercy on him, and not only on him but also on me, to spare me sorrow upon sorrow. 28Therefore I am all the more eager to send him, so that when you see him again you may rejoice, and I may be less anxious.…
Resilience does not come from some secret place only a select few can access. It comes from knowing that there is always a “but God”. . . in every hardship. –Karisa
Today, I admit to you that I am discouraged. My hip is painful and my knees are getting in on the act. A visit with the orthopedist did not result in any easy or long-term solutions. Â They cannot replace cartilage. Surgery to clean out the socket, at this point of deterioration, may be too late to be effective, and a hip replacement would wear out and have to be done again. So I sit here, sipping my anti-inflammatory concoction and remind myself to put on my skates.
A couple of weeks ago, I wanted so badly to get out on the floor with my kids and skate at my nephew’s party, that I finally laced up and went out. I was very cautious . . . at first. One fall and my cartilage might tear worse than it already is. But it was such a pleasure to be out there and I did not fall! So, do I withdraw from life because it could be painful? Do I stop seeking the great physician because the earthly ones can’t find a solution? No! I am convinced that nothing can separate me from God’s love. Pain included!
In this moment I take in a deep breath and lace up my shoes again. Enjoying the life God gives to me, and trusting him with my mind, body, and spirit. He wants good things for us. Put on your skates, and live life to the fullest. Turn this page, and find out what happens next!
In a previous post on perseverance I spoke about pain as a necessity so that we pay attention, change, and care for our bodies. Some of us, have pain that goes above and beyond the norm.
I just found out that my discs are deteriorating and my hip sockets were not formed right so my cartilage is wearing away. The orthopedist called me a “tween” I am in the teenage years of hip replacement. Right now the goal is pain management but I have surgery in my future. Daunting prospects, because I’ve cared for patients who have the level of pain I currently have and watched their spirits deteriorate along with their body. But, I’ve also watched spirits increase and abound in other patients who chose to open themselves up to Christ being enough in their pain. So how do we meet pain with the balm of spiritual discipline?
1. Acknowledge the pain and our needs
2. Put it in right context: believe
3. Repent of any sin contributing to our health
4. Surround ourselves with a cloud of witnesses
5. Act on the opportunities given for health and wholeness
6. Bless others who are suffering
I know I’m only scratching the surface today, but I’m working through this as I go. We’ll talk more as
I journey through.
Matthew Henry’s commentary on 2 Chronicles 21;12-20, a rather gruesome prophecy given to King Jehoram, but unheeded, is contrasted with very good news for those who believe even while they suffer.
Good men may be afflicted with diseases; but to them they are fatherly chastisements, and by the support of Divine consolations the soul may dwell at ease, even when the body lies in pain. To be sick and poor, sick and solitary, but especially to be sick and in sin, sick and under the curse of God, sick and without grace to bear it, is a most deplorable case. Wickedness and profaneness make men despicable, even in the eyes of those who have but little religion.
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/