Posts Categorized: grief

Survivors of Suicide Support: Reaching out for understanding

Posted June 2, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Today has not ended as it began. I was down, really down. I mean so far down that the enemy attempted to take ground long since won in my life. It was that way until just an hour ago when I went to my once a month survivor’s group. I felt so dead inside as I walked into that crowded room. It seemed like each person touched a different part of my heartache and gave me permission to be where I am. As I left I determined two things.

1. It is okay for me to enjoy life ( Jonathan would dismiss what I now see as guilt for living as silly.)

2. It is okay for others to be where they are. Not everyone will understand my grief and I don’t want them to, because if they did, it would mean that they too have lost a child to suicide.

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My Spiritual Tool Box: What do I Use When Grief Overwhelms Me?

Posted May 29, 2015 | Karisa Moore

As I awoke this morning I was immediately hit with going over ever last minute detail leading up to Jonathan’s death. It is in these moments that I pull out every tool in my tool box.

Prayer: Lord, you know that my heart’s longing is for Jonathan to be here–to live. Please Lord, fill me with your love. Direct my mind to what is doable for me today. May you be enough for me. Amen.

Scripture: Lamentations 3:31For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. 32Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. 33For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.

Romans 8:31What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

John 16:22So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Fellowship: Headed into the office to work. . . bringing Daniel’s joke book. 😉

Witnessing: I share with you my grief, my hope, and my God with you today. May you find comfort in your afflictions, hope in your grief, and love and compassion for those around you.

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Join Me in my Tears

Posted May 21, 2015 | Karisa Moore

John 11:35 “Jesus wept.”

“Oh let me join you in your tears.” Natalie said cheerfully bouncing over to me last night as I broke down in tears during prayer time. After some great weeks, I once again feel as if my heart can’t withstand the loss of Jonathan. The silence of his presence is deafening! Sometimes I just need someone to join me in my tears.

Jesus didn’t have to cry. He knew what he was about to do. He didn’t say, “Buck up Mary, don’t you trust God, don’t you trust me?” He missed Lazarus too. Jonathan may be in heaven, but his body is still here. I truly believe that God mourns with us our loss. It may be temporary, I am learning to see Jonathan’s death in light of eternity, but Jesus had eternity in mind and still wept. Loss is real, loss is present, and loss is ongoing. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I take comfort that Jesus joins me in my tears.

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Posted May 18, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Revelation 7:17 For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’ ‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.'”

The water bill almost undid me last night. I have had a really good week since Mother’s Day and have been swimming confidently out to uncharted waters with Christ.

Brian excitedly stated, “I don’t know how, but our water bill dropped this year.”

It took me a moment to realize why . . . “We don’t have a teenager using the water.” I quietly responded. Suddenly I was deeply weary. The busy week had not drained me, the amazing time with teenagers at the ranch had not brought me to my spiritual knees, and several days of not sleeping had not disabled me. No, it was a water bill. I wanted to disappear in that moment, not feel the grief that poured into my soul. I’d give anything to do Jonathan’s laundry or hear him singing from the shower as he got ready for school.

I realized that the best thing for me to do was to head on to bed. Nothing good was going to come from me sitting there dwelling on my heartache. I heard a woman wisely say, she set a consistent pattern of going to bed when her kids do, because she realized that anything past that time that her flesh was weakened.

Again I did not sleep well, but this morning I sought the Lord’s face and reread Matthew 5:4. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” He gives me comfort through scripture, laughter with a friend, my husband and kids, as well as the discipline of writing this blog. Just to name a few. Tapping these resources today I clearly see that in less than a year there is a transition happening. The days of deep anguish are becoming . . . well . . . moments. Why? Developing discipline (just about a curse word for some of us), is shutting the door on death, and opening the roof for unfathomable faith, hope, and love. The more I experience these gifts, the more I long for them to finish their work.

Oh, my sweet son, you are experiencing these three things with Jesus! May I be a witness of that indestructible abundant life, promised on this side of heaven. May I grasp ahold and be strengthened by the truth that nothing is impossible for God. Amen.

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Attention: Talent Needed to Save the World

Sifted Box of Memories

Posted May 13, 2015 | Karisa Moore

The box of meaning is sifted, your fragrance

lingers

I’ve boiled off the excess and

let these treasures simmer

in my soul

weary

of searching for something missing

That never could

be boxed in.

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Adjusting My focus from the Grave to Christ

Posted May 6, 2015 | Karisa Moore

When I took this picture I was frustrated that my kids were blurry; the camera focused on the headstone.  But, the image reflects my grief. The grave looms large and it difficult to concentrate on anything else. What looms large in your life? How do we bring into focus the truth of God’s love for us which in turn brings into clear focus those we love, his plan for us and the needs of others?

Focus on Christ as my Center through:

Scripture: But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:.. Lamentations 3:21

Prayer: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything through prayer and petition . . .Philippians 4:6-8

Witnessing: . . .you will be my witnesses . . . Acts 1:8  (no one else can share your story)

Fellowship: Do not stop meeting together as some are in the habit of doing . . . Hebrews 10:25

As I struggle these past two weeks with Jonathan’s birthday I realize that I have pulled away from these four foundational truths in my life. So today I renew these verses in my mind, and open myself to a clearer view of God, my husband and  children, and others. Yes, the grave is concrete in my life right now, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot bring into focus God’s will. I just need to adjust my lens.

Living Among the Dead

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A Little Closer to Death

Posted May 4, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Short visit among the gray stones of remembering

Words emptied when you sunk into the earth

Silence

our new conversation.

In the quiet bosom of your death the throbbing heartbeat of creation

draws my attention away from you

and I watch life flit like spirits dancing amongst

gray stones, a little closer to death than they want to be.

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Posted May 1, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; 24And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.

Today is my daughter’s heart check up. She has had them since birth, and in fact, before birth. We knew that she potentially could have had a heart defect and the ultra sounds looked for any problems with her developing heart. If they had found any, they could have done surgery while she was still forming in my body!

Depression, suicidal thoughts, can lay deep within our hearts and, because man looks at outer appearance, we often miss the pain and anguish within. But God, he knows our anxious thoughts. He searches within our minds, our souls, the core of who we are and is able to help us in ways that no one else can.

We all need regular heart checks, from the God who shaped our hearts and knows the things that we try to hide, or may not even be aware of. I was not aware of the rage I had stored up as a child. God brought it to the surface, exposed the monster within so that it could be removed and I could heal. Now, I open my heart before him, wanting nothing to hinder his will in my life. I know no better surgeon.

We have to be open to the Holy Spirit’s leading to become more deeply aware of who might be at risk for suicide. Think about this. Jesus knew that the disciples were going to betray him, and he knew that Judas would turn him over.  David in the Psalms asks, “Where can I hide from you?” Psalm 139  God knows our children, what is happening inside their hearts, their rooms, their wallets, their school, the church, with friends and at home. Wouldn’t it be great if he reveals the spiritual battle going on? But clearly, from scripture, we see that he does! Again and again to the prophets. Again and again to Jesus and the disciples. I promise you that he does it still today! He loves us, and he wants the best for us. Lets pour out our hearts to him, and prepare our hearts to minister to all who need hope.

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Sewing New Memories into the Fabric of Life

Posted April 28, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Acts 1:23So they nominated two men: Joseph called Barsabbas (also known as Justus) and Matthias. 24Then they prayed, “Lord, you know everyone’s heart. Show us which of these two you have chosen 25to take over this apostolic ministry, which Judas left to go where he belongs.” 26Then they cast lots, and the lot fell to Matthias; so he was added to the eleven apostles.

Bitter-sweet day yesterday. Natalie had a field trip to our local baseball stadium (yes, she held my hand the whole time). It was so much fun, but something about the trip caused me great sorrow as well. When we first moved to this state, I painted a mural of the ballpark for Jonathan’s room. The last time I was at a game was last year for my anniversary while in the midst of planning Jonathan’s funeral. His birthday is on Mother’s Day this year. Being at the ballpark brought all of those things to the surface.

I know from other survivors that this is quite common and that it is important to sew new memories into the fabric of my life, so I’m glad that I went. When Jonathan was little we brought him to a game early for autographs. He got a helmet and his catcher’s mitt signed. That night he slept with the glove on his hand and the helmet on his head. It was such a sweet image in my mind.

The disciples were fresh off the crucifixion and resurrection. Jesus spent forty days preparing them for ministry, Christ ascends to heaven, and now what? Now they pray! Now they select a new apostle to replace Judas. Now they wait for the Holy Spirit. Much of this year has been spent learning to wait. God’s instructions were clear to me; he has been removing stumbling blocks, teaching me patience, healing my anger and replacing it with compassion. Showing me that his way is the best way. May each of you be open to the new thoughts, new memories, and new experiences that God wants to sew into the fabric of your life.

Lord, I praise you for this amazing crowd of witnesses! I give you this day. Do with it what you will. Amen

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Suicide & Prevention Hotline

National Suicide Hotline

If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/