Posts Categorized: suicide

I Didn’t Press Replay

I didn’t press replay but, there you were

smirking in my dreams, and I search each one

hoping to find a clue.

Is Love Worth the Grief?

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.—Alfred Lord Tennyson

If you love, it’s guaranteed that you will also have loss. All things, including relationships, pass away. So is loving worth the grief we suffer? God thought so. So much so, that he was willing to come in the form of a baby, be hunted, persecuted and died and was raised, all to demonstrate his love for us. It is that kind of suffering life that changed my destructive pattern and opened my eyes to the love of Christ and therefore his love for all mankind.

I had already begun this post when the following happened:

Daniel: Mom, can I ask you a question? . . . Oh, never mind.

Me: Daniel, please go ahead, it’s okay.

Daniel: Is all this bad stuff we are going through even worth it? I mean, what’s the point?

Me: Do you mean, what was the point of loving Jonathan if we were only going to lose him?

Daniel: Yah, and Sonya too (our dog is in the last stages of dying.)

Me: All I can tell you is my own experience. I spent the first part of my life trying to avoid pain and it never worked. I didn’t know how to give or receive love. But Jonathan changed everything for me. Suddenly my eyes were open to God’s love, and though there was still pain, I didn’t try to avoid it. Actually I grew stronger and loved deeper because of it. So yes, I definitely believe that loving Jonathan or Sonya was worth more than the heartache we are experiencing now.

Daniel: You wouldn’t be standing here talking to me right now if you hadn’t made that choice.

Me: Exactly. Think of it this way. You’ve asked me how is it possible to love you when you are unkind to me. It’s because God loved me that way.

My experience is enough to convince me that no matter how deep the sorrow, opening my heart all the wider is worth it.

Suffering doesn’t equal punishment, it equals perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that we are complete, not lacking anything. Life is not happenstance; it is a beautiful woven design. I just kept looking at the backside with all the ugly knots. It is in keeping our distance from God that we are most deeply wounded, not in drawing close to Him!

I loved Jonathan and losing him hurts worse than any torture you could put me through on this earth, but I agree with the poet whole heartedly. My life is better for loving God, and therefore opening my heart to my children, and mankind.

Grammar Checking Suicide

Some punctuate life with a consistent and steady  .

Some complete their lives bungee jumping with expression !

Others leave us guessing at their purpose  ?

But you went out with a ;

An incomplete sentence that can  no longer be edited.


A Hug is a Powerful Weapon Against Evil

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.


st. francis of assisi – 13th century

Dawn Turns the Page on What God Buries

Joshua 1 1-9 After the death of Moses the servant of God, God spoke to Joshua, Moses’ assistant:

“Moses my servant is dead. Get going. Cross this Jordan River, you and all the people. Cross to the country I’m giving to the People of Israel. I’m giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on—just as I promised Moses. From the wilderness and this Lebanon east to the Great River, the Euphrates River—all the Hittite country—and then west to the Great Sea. It’s all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I’ll be with you. I won’t give up on you; I won’t leave you. Strength! Courage! You are going to lead this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors. Give it everything you have, heart and soul. Make sure you carry out The Revelation that Moses commanded you, every bit of it. Don’t get off track, either left or right, so as to make sure you get to where you’re going. And don’t for a minute let this Book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you’ll get where you’re going; then you’ll succeed. Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.” (The Message)

____________ is dead! Who or what in your life have you been following for so long that even when they are dead and buried, you are still trying to follow rather than taking the role of leader? Even though Joshua was anointed by God to take over after Moses, he is afraid to take over the tribes of Israel who have proven the are prone to wonder off the path God has set before them.

Moses has brought them to the doorstep of the promised land. It is now Joshua’s job to claim the promised land. You and I have the same choice before us. The Lord anointed his disciples to go into all the nations and make disciples (Matthew 28). Since I accept that God is sovereign in my free will, and therefore, I believe that he will bring beautiful things out of my son’s death, it is now my job to lay claim to his promises. My story didn’t end with Jonathan’s death, any more than yours stop with whatever chapter has been closed in your life. So how do we move forward? How do we lay claim to all God has in store for his people?

Moses’ credentials include:

  • Escaped genocide
  • Became a prince
  • Murdered an Egyptian to save a Hebrew slave
  • Escaped Pharaoh
  • Defended a group of girls trying to water their flocks
  • Married one of the girls
  • Shepherd for 40 years
  • Talked to. . . (or arguing with) a burning bush (God)
  • Became the God ordained spokesperson for Israel
  • Returned to Egypt to face down Pharaoh
  • Delivered the 7 plagues on Egypt
  • concentrated the 1st born of Israel
  • Parted the sea and brought Israelites to safety
  • Drowned the army of Egypt
  • Turned bitter water to sweet
  • Manna and quail meals
  • Produced water from a rock
  • Settled disputes
  • Delivered ten commandments . . .twice
  • Saw God’s (butt) doubt me? Read the text: Exodus 33:21-23
  • Built Tabernacle, Ark, Alter, and established the roles of the priests
  • Led Israel to the doorstep of the promised land
  • Wandered the desert for 40 years
  • Only prophet to talk directly with God
  • Defeated enemies of Israel
  • Blessed the tribes
  • Saw the expanse of the land God was giving to the people
  • Buried on the mountain of Moab by God himself

And Joshua’s leadership is to follow all of this!!! His credentials include:

  • Mighty warrior
  • Only 1 of 2 spies who said Israel could defeat the giants and lay claim to the land
  • Moses’ assistant

Do you feel insignificant to the call God has placed on your life? And, how do you determine when something is dead?

  • God declares it so Joshua 1:1, 1 Kings 19:19-21
  • He anoints a successor Matthew 28:18-20, Acts 1:8-11
  • “Go” He commands the next steps

God declares the things of our past are DEAD! You were a cutter, that is dead. I despaired of life, that is dead. Be strong and courageous! And it isn’t a request, it’s a command. Obedience isn’t based on feelings, it is base on mission. There are things in front of you and I, and our part in the story of God is not an option. I see throughout scripture that though God is flexible with our weaknesses, there are times such as calling of people like, Moses, Joshua, or Jonah, disobedience is not an option.

In turning the page on depression and suicide, looking back, feeling inadequate to the task God has clearly called me to is not an option. So today I declare, Jonathan is dead, and lay claim to the beauty from ashes that God has set before me. There are walls to come down, there is a real enemy to defeat and God is with me, he will not leave or forsake me. What in your life do you need to declare is dead and lay claim to mission and commission God has placed on your life?


the cross is necessary

God,Witness to Our Sorrow

2 Corinthians 1:8We do not want you to be unaware, brothers, about the hardships we encountered in the province of Asia. We were under a burden far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.

Today my family witnessed the aftermath of a suicide off a highway overpass. My heart breaks for the young man and all who loved him!

Lord, you witness all of our brokenness and sorrow! You are not distant from our pain. Put a hedge of protection, around the children, taken away from him moments before he jumped, and the witnesses of his last moments. Soften the memories for the first responders so that they can rest deeply in your arms tonight. Father, I cry out to you, end the curse of depression and suicide!

I know you are in control. I know that your timing is perfect! But, move quickly to turn our sorrow to singing! God, you do not always spare us from our brokenness, and I struggle with why you linger. My mind cannot fathom, why you spared me from suicide, but not my son, or the young man today. I trust your sovereignty, though I do not understand it! As it took many years for Joseph to understand the wide berth of his dreams, I do not see all that you are doing with my circumstances. May I be aware of those struggling around me.

Teach me to rest content in your arms, though my circumstances crash around me. Amen

I Was Never Here

The problem with a note left behind?

Your unique handwriting betrays your existence matters.


Let Me Emerge A Butterfly

I’m a worm

trapped in a cocoon of



No! Don’t try to

open me up.

I’ll die!


me emerge, through painful


a butterfly.

Short lived and beautiful.



Let Me Emerge a Butterfly!



Grief Clock

Matthew 4:Matthew 4:11
Then the devil left Him, and angels came and ministered to Him.
Luke 22…42“Father, if You are willing, take this cup from Me. Yet not My will, but Yours be done.” 43Then an angel from heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him. 44And in His anguish, He prayed more earnestly, and His sweat became like drops of blood falling to the ground.…

I am finding, even when I’m not consciously aware of the dates, my soul is. The past two days my heartache has swelled and I didn’t register, just like last year, that the 7th seems to be my absolute hardest day of the year. You would think that the 1st would be it, but it is the day I buried Jonathan. Maybe it is because it the very last physical act or contact I have with his body on this earth. In any case I have dragged myself through the past two days.

I know the depth of this heart ache will end soon. There are simply days when we hurt to our core, whether in depression or grief. Days when the intensity of what we feel is almost more than our physical bodies can handle. Jesus came to a place where the burden he bore was so great that angels ministered to him, just so he wouldn’t die early. It is telling that the two times Jesus was ministered to are two times the enemy came to sift him; Satan attached when Jesus was at his weakest.

So Lord, as I cry out to you today. “This is more than I can bear!” I look for your comfort and provision to minister to me. May your will in my life be a testimony to the strength you offer to all of your adopted children.

The Rescued Rescue

Are we prepared to plant our flags, still crisp and starched

with victory, on

the filthy front lines of humiliated humanity? Tend to

“their” soldiers? And surrender

to suffering, for an enemy still spewing venom as we wash

their wounds?


We are ready when we recognize ourselves as

former P.O.W.s. Defeated, and in the ditch of despair.

Rescued by the one who planted himself deep in the flesh

of our territory. Mocked and torn by a crown of barbwire. Tortured

by the enemy, to free us ALL.





Free Gift

Embrace hope in dark places.

Get three free printables of hope and encouragement when you sign up for my monthly newsletter.

Suicide & Prevention Hotline

National Suicide Hotline

If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at