depression Archives - Page 15 of 16 - Turning the Page on Suicide

Posts Tagged: depression

1st Birthday of Hoping Without You

Posted May 1, 2015 | Karisa Moore

How many kids do you have? . . . That question has not gotten any easier to handle. I have three children, not two and I will never get used to saying that I have two children. Today I was asked a couple of times and Natalie, very matter-of-factly elaborated on how Jonathan died. The poor ladies didn’t know how to respond.

These days leading up to Jonathan’s birthday are harder than I expected. My emotions are a bit runny right now, and I’m not much fun to be around. So . . .how do I get a grip?

1.Â Declare:Â I HAVE THREE CHILDREN!

2. Crawl into my Heavenly Daddy’s lap and cry, scream, kick, whatever I need to do!

3. Let Him hold me.

4. Love and hold Brian,Daniel and NatalieÂ a little tighter.

5. Drink Jarritos every day (Jonathan’s favorite).

6. Draw, write, walk.

7. Plant.

8. Go to survivor’s group.

9. Speak scripture over the pain until the heartache subsides.

10. Blow out the candle on my first year of celebrating your birth . . . without you.

Country Sailor

Posted April 29, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Pulling up anchor from theÂ crowded

harbor of humanity, I navigate

the steady sea of rolling waves of fertile green;

planting peaceful rhythm within my weary sail.

Opening my lungsÂ to the purer, sweet saltiness

of grass, animal and clay.

Birds sail the seas of heaven, diving in delight of

prey.

Fellow sailors, nod andÂ salute from their faithful rustyÂ ships

as ruddersÂ plod consistent course to their harvested catch.

And when I return to shore, the sea is carried within my soul.

Love: The Hand Scarred For Me

Posted April 25, 2015 | Karisa Moore

You woke me from the terror of my nightmares,

said I was worth your time, your pain, your cross.

You didn’t shy away from my stains

From the sorrow I could not repay.

You awoke my desire

A fire for something

beyond self

beyond limit

beyond fear

you lit

path

until I

became You.

Holding out my scarred hands

Lightening another soul’s nightmare.

Depression, Calloused Hand that Smothers Me

Posted | Karisa Moore

Snuffed out breath

Awakened in night’s soul

pressed into the cradle ofÂ my husband,

PiercedÂ in the heartÂ of rest

that never comes

Peace that never wakes

thatÂ smells of death

even as I scream for

life.

Hearing my own sweat

my own terror dripping

like tears from my cheek

longing for the nightmare

of sorrow to end and for the calloused hand

to release my throat to sing.

Where Can I Go For Help

Posted April 22, 2015 | Karisa Moore

“Do you have your exit buddy?”–Crush (Finding Nemo)

When I began my healing process my counselor had me create a crisis sheet. Steps to take, people I could trust, ways to protect myself. One of the most important parts of the plan was having the person I could call at a moments notice and they will be there. Dori was that fish for Marlin in the movie Finding Nemo. She was loyal, insightful, an encourager, good listener (even if she had no short term memory) Who is your fish?

When Jesus sent out the disciples he sent them out in pairs. Why? Because this world is going to have obstacles and they are much easier to climb when we are not alone. My kids went to aÂ warehouse that had a floor to ceilingÂ climbing wall. Neither made it to the top the first time. Even though the spotter told them what to look for their fear made it hard to listen. Defeated they went on to other activities. Natalie was the first to go back to the wall and try again and this time she knew that the harness would hold her, so that fear was gone. She climbed higher, but still got stuck and looked like she was going to give up again.

The spotter (without aÂ harness mind you) climbed up the wall beside her and coached her on how to climb. She quickly made it the rest of the way. At the moment she was ready to quit, the young man was her partner to the top. Who is your partner in those moments of depression? Please hear me the other person doesn’t have to be perfect, but they do have to have certain qualities that you are currently lacking. They need to see the bigger picture of your goals when you get stuck in the middle. Who is your exit buddy! ?

Depression, an Opportunity to Change the World

Posted April 18, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Read Nehemiah 2:1-3 And it came about in the month Nisan, in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, that wine was before him, and I took up the wine and gave it to the king. Now I had not been sad in his presence. 2So the king said to me, “Why is your face sad though you are not sick? This is nothing but sadness of heart.” Then I was very much afraid. 3I said to the king, “Let the king live forever. Why should my face not be sad when the city, the place of my fathers’ tombs, lies desolate and its gates have been consumed by fire?”â€¦

Speaking up about depression brings about change! Remaining silent keeps us stuck with our own limited resources. But, what do we do when we are depression spills overÂ at work? Is it worth the risk sharing our struggle with our boss, our coworkers?

Nehemiah’s job left no room for mistakes. He was the cupbearer for Artaxerxes, a powerful king who would not have tolerated down cast servants in his court, even if they were friends. But, today when he punched his time card for work, hisÂ mind wasn’t on serving the king, it was on the ruins of Jerusalem and the king can tell something is not right. Nehemiah has just finished fasting and praying for help in the 1^st chapter.Â Could the king be the answer to his prayer? He is afraid because his depression is now exposed to his boss. God has given him favorÂ with the king, but is it enough?

With depression comes possibility. Things are not okay! Maybe there are legit reasons why we mourn. There is so much suffering and oppression in the world, and our depression is the chasm between our reality and how the world should be. The quicker we acknowledge our desire for relief, the sooner resources come. Certainly Nehemiah’s is down cast for good reason. Israel is in ruins and in chapter 1 he declares that it is because Israel turned their back on God. He cries out to God. He doesn’t try to dismiss his anguish, orÂ put on a happy pretend face which might have kept him safe. He risks speaking the truth. The king gives Nehemiah charge over rebuilding the city walls and gates andÂ even sends letters for materials to be provided. Change occurred because of Nehemiah’s depression was out in the open!

The whole world suffers from depression. Those of us who recognize things are not as they should be have an opportunity to make the world a better place. Since Adam’s fall into sin, we went from walking with God, to hiding, from enjoying the good things given to us to despising, and from satisfaction in God alone to seeking position, possessions and power to determine our worth. There is not a single human being or animal that was not affected by the curse of sin and death. Since depression is the natural state and consequence of our disobedience, what hope do we have?

Nehemiah. . .

Acknowledgedâ€”took note ofâ€”his reality
He mourned and laid out his heartache before God
He fasted and prayed
Shared his burden with his friend, the King
He spoke up
The king provided
He trusted God and began to rebuild

What makes us sorrowful? Depression is a good only when we allow it to motivate us towards change. I am aware that some of you who follow my blog are in daily pain physically and emotionally. There seems to be no relief from what you are experiencing. My heart aches for you. Don’t lose heart, don’t give up! Take one step today to open yourself to God’s resources. Nehemiah’s burden didn’t just appear over night, the ruins of Jerusalem were years in the making (a product of their rejecting God, and being taken captive by Babylon). I promise you that God is faithful, and I appreciate your honesty! May the exposure of our depression bring resources to rebuild our lives and those around us.

My son’s death has opened my heart wider for others who are tempted to despair. God has placed me in the unique position of experiencing abuse, suffering depression,chronic physical pain, and bearing overwhelming loss. Like Nehemiah I cannot hide my sorrow. So do I speak boldly of the need for our hopelessness to change? Yes, I may get some push back, but it is so worth speaking about suicide. Depression is aÂ heavy weight on my spirit and I refuse to share it alone. Resources are coming! Don’t stop crying out!

Seeing the Bouquets Beyond Dispair

Posted April 15, 2015 | Karisa Moore

John 10:10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.–Jesus

“Sorry, my ADD is kicking in.” I apologized, acknowledging that I was distracted fromÂ listening because my attention wasÂ focusedÂ on the beautiful flower bouquetsÂ she had in her office. I was delighted by how well they coordinated with her purple blazer.

She smiled and laughed, “That’s your creativity shining through, certainly not something to apologize for.” My eyes widened, I had never thought of my distraction like that.

“Those flowers were here yesterday and you are the first person to mention noticing them. And probably the only person who will notice them. I hadn’t even noticed that my blazer coordinated with them. I take the expansion of your attention to the room as a sign of healing, not weakness.” She encouraged. “Most people when they first come into my office look down and can’t even look at me. As they begin to heal they begin looking at me and then beyond.”

How depression shrinks our world. Until the only thing that we smell, hear, taste, see, feel, is the sweat of our own fear, hear the loud ramblings of our own thoughts, taste the bitterness of our failures, see that we are alone, and feel disconnected from a huge world of possibilities. If you are in that place, may my testimony encourage you! It is because of one step, and then another, and then another that I came to place that even when my worst nightmare came true I can still declare that life is worth living.

May we journey together in looking up and seeing the beauty beyond our nightmares. Talk with me and let me know how you are doing.

Depression, my Jericho Wall: How do I defeat my enemy?

Posted March 11, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Joshua 5:13Â When Joshua was by Jericho, he lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, a man was standing before him with his drawn sword in his hand. And Joshua went to him and said to him, â€œAre you for us, or for our adversaries?â€ 14And he said, â€œNo; but I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come.â€ And Joshua fell on his face to the earth and worshiped and said to him, â€œWhat does my lord say to his servant?â€ 15And the commander of the Lordâ€™s army said to Joshua, â€œTake off your sandals from your feet, for the place where you are standing is holy.â€ And Joshua did so.

The wall! I expect it these days, so I don’t go running into it full force,but sometimes it looms so largeÂ I can’t breathe. I don’t know what caused this wall of depression, maybe starting another round of insomnia,my kids grief, or my own. It is so real I can see it and touch it. I can’t go further, and I refuse to go backwards, so what are my options?

My option is to cry out to my heavenly father! I cannot move, climb over, or go aroundÂ this wall, but he can.Â In collegeÂ I was reading about Joshua in my Navigator Bible; the caption spoke about the ruins of Jericho. The way theÂ stones areÂ positioned it is clear that theÂ walls fell outward, not inward. A mighty force pushed from the inside!

I need a mighty force knocking down the wall of depressionÂ from the inside. If we are in Christ we have a mighty warrior on the inside–the Holy Spirit!

Acts 2:1When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. 2Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. 3They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. 4All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues^a as the Spirit enabled them.

Much of what has transpired since the death of my son has been through the Comforter (another name for the Holy Spirit). I thank you father for what you have done, what you are doing, and what you will do. Direct my path so that I may be a living witness to your power and strength over depression. This is my Jericho wall!Â You are a force to be reckoned with and no wall can stand against you.Â Â Maybe you have allowed this wall in my life to show others that nothing is too big for you! Not our doubts, not our fears, not our enemies, not depression–nothing can separate us from your love! Thank you for giving me your peace, that makes absolutely no sense in these circumstances. Teach me to abide in your will no matter where you lead me. Amen!

Suicide Has a Face: Learning to Offer Hope

Posted March 4, 2015 | Karisa Moore

As a survivor of suicide, there is nothing that makes me recoil worse than hearing, “Sometimes there is nothing that you can do, if someone wants to kill themselves then they will find a way.” The speakerÂ is talking about some abstract, undefined person–not my son. Gratefully I have not heard that too many times, but I have heard it. I have not had the strength to respond until now, not out of condemnation, but out of a desire to offer hope and healing to deeply wounded souls and educate those that desire to help.

My son wanted to live! Everything he was doing, everything that he was planning for was to live a long life. Ironically I’d have to say that I would have fit the above statement better than Jonathan. I made repeated attempts on my life, he made one. I am still here because there were people who never stopped offering me hope inÂ little and big ways, no matter what I might do.

That is the thing, the above statement always comes after someone takes their life. I believe that the speaker is trying to understand something too horrific to ever comprehend. Suicide is not something that we will ever be able to stuff into a box and say, this is what it is! I left no note, Jonathan left a note, some suffer from physical causes, others depression. Our suffering may be different, but the one thing that we all need is HOPE!

Don’t ever stop offering it to me, to those around you just because the task seems daunting or impossible. GodÂ is a god of the impossible! Jesus saw our suffering and mourned with us, brought healing, and hope to those that others claimed were without redemption. I will cling to that hope, because in my darkest days it is my sunshine.

Posts Tagged: depression

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