I didn’t quit my job of loving, when you stopped punching your time card.
I clock in to life, Â heart uncallused by the
rough, 24-hour, work of losing. I freely
hope, with splinters of grief digging deep into my soul.
Faith, joy and compassion embrace the world
with a work ethic that suicide cannot render
unconscious to the world around me.
I didn’t press replay but, there you were
smirking in my dreams, and I search each one
hoping to find a clue.
No words, just erupted scream–
an earthquaked soul
in the crumbled devastation of a child “deceased”.
And with equal force the Spirit pushed back
against caving walls of motherhood.
Opening resurrection doors
to the Father’s will
that no temporary grave consumes. Building
fortified love and hope where there
are no words, just a heart that welcomes orphans in.
Suicide took future pictures of you
So I open the locket of my soul wide.
And share who you were
Not who you will be.
I trace chubby cheeks, as the rhythm
of the rocker sings you to sleep. Breathe
deeply your baby scent.
I squeal with delight at first steps and words.
Bandage scrapes, wipe tears, and kiss bruises.
I listen to life beating hard with
challenges no child should bear,
and ache for God to heal you inside and out.
God, I try to understand why you allowed this unfinished
work of art to be painted into my life.
Today, I have no calls from your college dorm, no
laughter as you burst through the door for Christmas.
No bride on your arm, for me to share funny stories with,
and no grandchildren for me one day to cherish . . .
These are the things I can’t quite release. I long
for them. I had hoped for them. So I open my heart
wider still, until joy paints a new picture into  the
empty memories of where you should be.
Proverbs 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.
The Problem
Lost.
That word evokes so many things. Fear, flashbacks, loneliness, and panic. For me it means I’m not meeting someone’s expectation and I tend to get agitated and more lost. I was in a new and unfamiliar area today and I might have well been on Mars. I have a debilitating fear of asking for help in these situations. But, I pulled into Kroger’s parking lot and called the imaging center. She gave me directions from there, including landmarks (all of which I found by the way), but I was at a different Kroger. I wasn’t even close to the location. Even more lost.
Directions often get jumbled in my brain and the GPS didn’t help, it sent me to their previous location. So you have one lost, flustered woman, trying to get to an unknown destination. To add insult to injury, I really needed to go to the bathroom! I stopped at two locations, but neither had a public bathroom. One gave me directions to the imaging place, though. So I tried again.
Nope, wrong imaging place. Then came the aha moment.
“God, I surrender to you that I am lost.”
We have been working on taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ since the day I said I was ALL IN, three weeks ago. I had multiple problems to address. Which one was the most pressing and easiest to relieve? Yes the pun is not lost on me. I was late, that was certain. A few more minutes wasn’t going to change that fact. I walked into the wrong imaging center and used their bathroom. Now, to the desk to explain my situation and get proper directions from people who live in the area. She wrote out directions and gave me distinct landmarks. (Mental note, return to this imaging center if I give up on the other). I returned my car with a fresh new perspective.
I called the office and asked if there was any point in trying to make it to them, or should I return home. They could still fit me in. No longer flustered, I found my way.
The Lesson
Can I surrender to being lost? In other words, can I surrender to being vulnerable and human in the sight of God and others? Part of what God is teaching me about surrender is that there are no “have to s”. I am already loved, already chosen, and already found! This kind of lost was a temporary circumstance. I already have experienced being so lost that I thought cutting, alcohol, sex, anorexia, and finally suicide, would somehow help me to find my way out. The biblical directions, might as well been for Martians. I neither understood this God who was seeking me, nor that I was that one sheep that he left his whole flock for.
I am no longer, permanently lost. Now, I am safe, secure, and most certainly not alone in a foreign land, because God is with me. I have directions for living in this life and the promise of the new life to come. I can have joy in this moment of being temporarily lost because he knows my struggle and makes my path straight.
You are already loved, even if you feel lost right now, he has chosen you, and may my testimony be a landmark in your journey. You can cry out to be found, even from the darkest pit.
Some punctuate life with a consistent and steady .
Some complete their lives bungee jumping with expression !
Others leave us guessing at their purpose  ?
But you went out with a ;
An incomplete sentence that can  no longer be edited.
.
2 Corinthians 1:8We do not want you to be unaware, brothers, about the hardships we encountered in the province of Asia. We were under a burden far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.
Today my family witnessed the aftermath of a suicide off a highway overpass. My heart breaks for the young man and all who loved him!
Lord, you witness all of our brokenness and sorrow! You are not distant from our pain. Put a hedge of protection, around the children, taken away from him moments before he jumped, and the witnesses of his last moments. Soften the memories for the first responders so that they can rest deeply in your arms tonight. Father, I cry out to you, end the curse of depression and suicide!
I know you are in control. I know that your timing is perfect! But, move quickly to turn our sorrow to singing! God, you do not always spare us from our brokenness, and I struggle with why you linger. My mind cannot fathom, why you spared me from suicide, but not my son, or the young man today. I trust your sovereignty, though I do not understand it! As it took many years for Joseph to understand the wide berth of his dreams, I do not see all that you are doing with my circumstances. May I be aware of those struggling around me.
Teach me to rest content in your arms, though my circumstances crash around me. Amen
The problem with a note left behind?
Your unique handwriting betrays your existence matters.
I’m a worm
trapped in a cocoon of
depression.
Alone.
No! Don’t try to
open me up.
I’ll die!
Let
me emerge, through painful
transformation,
a butterfly.
Short lived and beautiful.
Let Me Emerge a Butterfly!
Revelation 4:2At once I was in the Spirit, and I saw a throne standing in heaven, with someone seated on it. 3The One seated there looked like jasper and carnelian, and a rainbow gleaming like an emerald encircled the throne.
Genesis 9:13 I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth.
“Sometimes we need a double rainbow!” Daniel exclaimed after having a rough afternoon of missing Jonathan. “God really loves me.” We pulled off the road to take pictures. When our lives are filled with storms it can be hard to remember they will not last forever. We long for God to reinforce his presence, promise and provision. One rainbow, simply is not enough.
Head knowledge does not suffice when you are in prison, abused, grieving, sick, struggling deeply to overcome sin. Please hear me! Like any child needs to hear the words “I love you”, even though they may not have the feeling to match, we consistently need reminders that God loves us. We are learning to correctly interpret God’s ways and because he doesn’t operate inside our box we can interpret our circumstances as punishment. Only when we accept His love as irrefutable fact, allowing Christ to make his passion for us a part of our being, do we stop being tossed around like ragdolls when the circumstances change.
In 10 days my son dies. Those are the circumstances of July 1st. My husband is very ill. My daughter and son have dietary issues. Those are the current circumstances of my day to day. I am learning that “even if __________”, God loves me. Look for the never the lesses” and “therefores” in scripture, because what follows is God!
Rainbows are a never the less symbol of his overwhelming love for us. A double leaves no doubt. Scripture is filled with men and women who needed a second sign to confirm that God held their circumstances and would bring good out their brokenness. Abraham, Sara, Moses, Gideon, Joshua, Naomi, Jonah, Esther, Mary, Peter, Thomas, Paul, the list is endless. In almost all cases these mighty heroes of scripture came to a place where they obeyed God no matter what! So look for your rainbows and discover how trustworthy God is!
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/