Posts Categorized: faith

Out of the Darkness Walk: Who Will Walk With Me?

Today is the day of my second Out of the Darkness Walk. My team is assembled and so far we have raised over $500 dollars. Walking to Turn the Page on Suicide is filled with hope! It may be one by one that we bring others out of the darkness, depression and suicide struggles are unique to each person, but this illness forces us to see others as individuals. There is no formula that will fix the epidemic. Three things I know are absolutes–LOVE, FAITH, and HOPE. Without these three core values I will falter and fail.

I was reminded this week that sometimes my need for immediate results makes me so short sighted. God’s perspective is above time and I can’t see two inches away from my face. Galatians 6:9-10:

9Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. 10So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.

Love, faith and hope are in this race for the long haul! Not a short sprint. Jesus came so that we may have life, abundant life and for some of us it takes time for us to accept abundant life. He was willing to go into places that “clean” people just wouldn’t go. Are you and I willing to do the same? Remember, as we offer all that we have to one lost sheep, we know that we do not walk alone.

It took me 20 years to accept abundant life. Many men and women planted seeds along the way. Some of them do not know how valuable there moments with me were, but I do! The Holy Spirit went ahead of these Christians to plow the hardened field of my heart so that one day a little plant emerged, then another, and then another. As I walk today planting seeds in the dark ground of depression and suicide, I hope, I love, and I have faith . . .

In the War Room: Spiritual Warfare Momma Style

Psalm102:28The children of your servants shall dwell secure; their offspring shall be established before you.

For the first time in over two years I returned to the chapel to pray for our church youth group as they met. Coming to church has been difficult this year, and being around teenagers even harder. Not because I don’t love them, but because I miss Jonathan. From the first moment I said yes to Jesus, I have not battled a desire to escape church, until now. I began to withdraw from fellowship as soon as the casket closed. But in contrast to this struggle, God kept stirring me to pray for young men and women, some struggling very much like my son. I entered the chapel and felt the same blank, numb, weariness that I have become accustomed to these days in being in the building. I didn’t feel like being there, but God’s call was clear.

As I began to pray for guidance, as I began to pray for each of the students by name I became aware of a shift. It was as if the blinders were removed from my eyes and I began to see what I was actually praying for and against. Scripture declares that there is a spiritual battle not always seen by the naked eye. Discernment is needed and prayer opens the door for the spirit to guide us in our prayers.

13-15 Are you hurting? Pray. Do you feel great? Sing. Are you sick? Call the church leaders together to pray and anoint you with oil in the name of the Master. Believing-prayer will heal you, and Jesus will put you on your feet. And if you’ve sinned, you’ll be forgiven—healed inside and out.

16-18 Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. Elijah, for instance, human just like us, prayed hard that it wouldn’t rain, and it didn’t—not a drop for three and a half years. Then he prayed that it would rain, and it did. The showers came and everything started growing again.

19-20 My dear friends, if you know people who have wandered off from God’s truth, don’t write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction and prevented an epidemic of wandering away from God. (James 5 MSG)

There came a moment when my hands were raised, but I don’t remember raising them. I felt like Moses standing above the battle field and when his arms were raised, the Israelites were winning, but when his arms dropped they began to lose. I could see the battle playing out, and the enemy losing ground as I declared God’s truth over each child. Prayer is a powerful tool, scripture is able to slice open and reveal the enemy’s schemes. So why do I so often use it as a last resort?

Don’t grow weary in your prayers. Jesus didn’t pray to his heavenly father day in and day out because he was God, he prayed because he had limited himself to being a man! To fight the enemy’s schemes just like we can do, to stand firm while others fell away, Jesus had to pray. It was not a last resort, it was his weapon of choice. He taught us how to pray! Prayer puts a stake in the ground and says, “No further Satan!” Today I put a stake in the ground Lord, I state before God and man, I will be a watchman. I will declare your faithfulness to me, and trust that you will be faithful to our children. Will you be a watchman with me?!

Psalm 78:

1My people, hear my teaching;

listen to the words of my mouth.

2I will open my mouth with a parable;

I will utter hidden things, things from of old—

3things we have heard and known,

things our ancestors have told us.

4We will not hide them from their descendants;

we will tell the next generation

the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord,

his power, and the wonders he has done.

5He decreed statutes for Jacob

and established the law in Israel,

which he commanded our ancestors

to teach their children,

6so the next generation would know them,

even the children yet to be born,

and they in turn would tell their children.

7Then they would put their trust in God

and would not forget his deeds

but would keep his commands.

Hope in the Cell of Circumstances

Proverbs 3:…4I was crying to the LORD with my voice, And He answered me from His holy mountain. Selah. 5I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the LORD sustains me.

Night defiantly whispers,

“No rest here. “ And sleep

steals the covers,

tauntingly tapping tic-tock

on your brain.

Scripture is like a father’s

bedtime story to his child,

like a mother’s lullaby.

Remembered promises,

experienced and witnessed, repeat hope

in the cell of circumstances,

fluff pillows and prepare the heart

to receive just enough.

God tucks the soul

beneath the blanket of his wings

and feeds truth and comfort, though

our fallen bodies fail us.

Breathing Life Into Your Reflections

Caught a glimpse of you today

mirrored in another

standing in your

shoes, your smock,

your hat,

ready to

serve me

My son introduced

you to my pain

building kinship

to his brother hanging

on the wall.

fringe familiarity

blinked back at me

“I shared a bus.”

You acknowledged

Grief heaved

a heavy sigh of

silence between us.

How are you?

Questioning the

son I can longer ask

Willing another still

breathing to

value each breath

Embracing Photos

Embracing Photos

Assurance Policy

I’ve taken out an assurance policy.
It cost me my life, but
the after death benefits are divine.
The plan promises abundant
life on earth.

There is no fine print,
I can count on provision
no matter my circumstances.

I don’t have to haggle with the
Agent, though sometimes I do ask
for clarification.
Everything is covered:

  • Floods
  • Calamity
  • Loss
  • Marriage
  • Kids
  • Death

My assurance agent
Is available 24 hours a day and backs claims

in writing.
He’s really poured out his blood and sweat into

this policy.
He has been in business for eternity,
His love gives peace of mind
And confidence.
I can walk this earth
no longer chained to fear.

Sometimes it Doesn’t Matter That We are Walking on Water, We See the Wind and Sink

1 John 4:18There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 19We love, because He first loved us.…

Sometimes it doesn’t matter that we are walking on water towards Jesus–we see the wind and sink. Fear is a constant threat in my world. My oldest son potentially had an undiagnosed metabolic disorder that may have contributed to his mental state; his brother, shows some of the same symptoms. Tuesday night he woke up screaming in pain. Since, I have felt fear pressing in, leaning into my thoughts, promising me more loss, more heart ache, more sorrow. Fear is the opposite of love. When I fear losing my family, I am not loving them.

As fear consumes love it becomes easier to lash out, let our thoughts run us, and to lose sight of God! Fear was the very first reaction to God in the garden by Adam and Eve. Genesis 3:10 And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” Peter sunk while walking on water because he saw the wind and was afraid, he took his eyes off Jesus. (Matthew 14:30) We forget that God loves us from head to toe. Last night my entire family was exploding at each other. The fear was becoming more concrete, and love more abstract.

I don’t remember consciously crying out to God, but I must have, because in an instant the fear was gone. I don’t know how else to describe that moment. One second I was raging because I felt so helpless to fix what’s wrong for my son, and the next I wasn’t. I was overwhelmed by love and peace flowing from the inside out and I was equipped to spread that peace to the rest of my family.

The circumstances haven’t changed! My son still potentially has a deadly illness and my daughter and husband most certainly do, but I am not afraid. God will find a way through these circumstances, and I will follow that path. I love the line from the movie Scorpion King,, as Jesup faces certain death he tells his brother Mathayus to “Live Well,” and his brother responds, “Die free.” God wants us to live well and die free. We cannot do that if we are afraid, we negate the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross and allow fear to rule our actions.  In Romans 8, Paul describes our bondage before Christ, as being a “slave to fear”. Perfect love casts out all fear! How do we love perfectly?

Dwell on the fact that God loves you right where you are, and that he came for us while we were nailing him to the cross. Like Monty Python’s Black Knight we can say concerning all circumstances–including death, “Tis but a scratch!” But, unlike Monty Python, its no joke.

The Discipline of Depression: Finding What Works in the Midst of What isn’t Working

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

What do you do, no matter what? Especially if you suffer from depression, I’d really like to compile a list of helpful habits as a resource to others. Since Jonathan’s death the two places that I am most under attack are in the car, and in the late evenings. I have limited the amount of driving I do. My mind is a landmine of destructive thoughts when I am exhausted, so opening myself up to even the news in the evening seems to fuel depression as I try to sleep.

Categories:

Daily habits that lift your spirits

Example: Singing hymns

Making my bed (seems small, but completing this task daily leads to bigger completions)

Scriptures you bring to mind

The habit of avoidance:

Not staying up late alone

Avoiding TV after 9

Peace in Midst of Sorrow

Peace in Midst of Sorrow

Jesus Set the Bar Too High

Matthew 25:37Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers,f you did it to me.

I have been reading the story of Hosea this week. Hosea was an amazing prophet, told by God to marry a prostitute as a living illustration of Israel’s unfaithfulness to God. I won’t fill in all the blanks for you, but as we read the story we see a beautiful Old Testament example of God’s overwhelming love for us. When I asked the group discussing the story, can we love the unbeliever with this level of self-sacrifice, the comment was made, “Well Hosea and Jesus set the bar pretty high for us.” This isn’t the first time that I have heard similar statements. “Well Jesus was God, that how he could keep from sinning.” “He had supernatural power, that why he could endure the cross.” “ I can’t forgive on that level because I’m not Jesus.”  It can become so easy for us to downplay or up-play Jesus’s deity, depending upon our day to day perspective, and whether we want to get our hands dirty with the depravity of man.

Our minds struggle to accept both God’s right judgment of our sin which requires death and his overwhelming love which leads to life–both held on the cross at the same time. How can we hate what is evil and love without conditions all at the same time. I was reminded during counseling training on Friday and Saturday that only God says when to shake the dust off of who is unrepentant. I don’t get to pick who I believe is worthy of God’s grace. The Church has ill equipped us for ministering to the lost, and for that I am deeply sorrowful!

How do we turn this around? We began seeing the harvest around us, the hunger, the needs, the brokenness in others by seeing and accepting our own depravity. Apart from God I am dead in my sins. My own circumstances included a pastor and his wife taking me in when I was pregnant and homeless. That love and sacrifice spoke volumes to me. It didn’t take me long to realize I wanted far more than the world could offer me, but there are some it takes 20 years or more! Are the believers willing to sacrifice, come along side, endure rebellion for that long? We need to be if we are taking up our cross daily and following Jesus.

Insomnia: No Match for Praise!

Job 42:1Then Job replied to the Lord:

2“I know that you can do all things;

no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

3You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’

Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,

things too wonderful for me to know.

After a week of insomnia it is a miracle that I have managed to accomplish quite a bit today. I look more like a zombie. . . maybe I should try to walk onto the set of The Walking Dead (I think I’d blend into the extras just fine). I have been reduced to crying out to God, day after day. Give me rest! May you sustain me! May you be enough for me! Provide just enough for me today!

Have you been reduced to nothing in your flesh? You have come to the end of what you physically can push through. Like Job we want to sit on the ash heap of everything that meant something to us, and curse the day we are born. Just as God showed himself to Job, he gave gentle direction today. As I worked on the breakfast dishes the Lord flashed images of things to praise him for, and as I did, I found the energy to accomplish what is in front of me. Now I must praise him in my sleep.

Patchwork Quilt of Comfort: Wrapping up in the Holy Spirit

John 16:7 Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you.

In the wee hours of grief I read notes of remembrance from friends, family and acquaintances, written on Jonathan’s Facebook page. Your patchwork squares of memories, scripture, and comfort from the cross, got me through those first nightmarish days. Many of your notes are now recorded on the quilts sewn together by quilters in my church. I can literally snuggle into prayers, scripture and memories.

THANK YOU!

Squares from notes left at the funeral.

Squares from notes left at the funeral.

Suicide & Prevention Hotline

National Suicide Hotline

If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/