Cradled within the womb of death, scripture beats defiant.
Lean in, to discern hope’s unfolding;
multiplying cells of truth over pregnant centuries. Giving
breath to us, too often, dragged to the grave.Â
Soothing empty arms,
with strong proof of life after life.
So soft, it is thunder in the vast
noise of doubt’s marketplace.
Firming
backbone to bow
to no man.
Resolving who knit whom together.
Renewing covenant with an empty
grave.
Our souls
swollen with
grief—for but a while.
Not every day you see a man and his goat walking down the street! But that was the unique view out my car window yesterday. Today I found out that Steve-the man and Leroy Brown-the goat, are trekking across the United States because they felt called by God to do so. According to their website: “The goal of Needle2Square is to raise enough funds to purchase an orphanage and land for Uzima Outreach [Kenya] so they can have a more permanent location and become self-sustaining.” What is your mission?
We all have one. A God given purpose on this planet. When I was much younger I heard the story of Bill Borden and it left a lasting impression on me. He was a young missionary who turned others towards missions and brought many of the hardest hearts to Christ. He was extremely wealthy and could have lived a safe and cushy life, but he was so burden for world that he found his reward in Jesus Christ. He made an impact wherever he went, turning many at Yale, where he attended college, towards God. He ministered to those the world rejected as hopeless. But, while preparing in Egypt to minister to Muslims, Bill contracted spinal meningitis at the age of 25 and died. Game over right? Not the end of Bill’s story at all.
His mission influences mine today. Once again his words from his journal came back to me and encourage me as I prepare to minister to those most say are without hope. “No reserves” and “No retreats,” and “No regrets.” Those words send many missionaries today out into the field. In Borden’s short 25 years he did far more for furthering the kingdom than most do in a lifetime. Why? Was he somehow different from you and I, was he more blessed, more charismatic, more godly?
No! He was simply more obedient. That is all it takes for you and I to stop tripping over sin, and getting tangled up in doubts, and watered down Christianity. Again from Borden’s journal, Â “Say ‘no’ to self and ‘yes’ to Jesus every time.”
Paul said that he had learned the key to being content no matter what his circumstances, whether he had a lot or a little. He could do all things through Christ who strengthens him. (Philippians 4:12-13) Borden had grabbed that same key, and now I grasp ahold of it as well. Not only can I obey Jesus every time, but he gives me the strength to do so! This isn’t a key for a select few. It is a key for all of us. How cool is that. About as cool as seeing a man and his goat on a mission from God raising funds to help Kenya! Can you commit to saying yes to Jesus every time?
Ecclesiastes 3:4 A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. 5A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. 6A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. . .
Philippians 3: 12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.
I am not just a survivor of suicide, I am a survivor of abuse. When you have layer upon layer of trauma quirks are bound to follow. I can give hugs all day to others, but struggle to accept an embrace. At the core is a desire for control. God is a god who embraces! When I began my relationship with Jesus this was a major issue between him and I. It is one thing to invite Jesus into your heart and it is another to allow him to take up residence. When Jesus embraces, I am faced with a God I cannot control. For many years I have squirmed in his arms, not sure I trust his justice, his love, his passion and compassion for me. But lets face it, his character will never fit into my arms. He embraced me from the cross before I was ever born!
When I had my miscarriage, God went ahead of my loss to prepare comfort. Natalie Grant’s new song “Held” had just come out, and I remember thinking what a comfort it would be for those who experience the loss of a child. A month later I miscarried. I listened to that song over and over allowing my heavenly daddy to hold me in a way I had never allowed before. I found out more about his character in those moments and came to see, in this world I will have troubles, but he has overcome the world. This is a season that I must once again settle into. I need to be held by God and his people.
Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary has a fabulous take on Lamentations 3:1-10:
To expect unchanging happiness in a changing world, must end in disappointment.
My world keeps changing. The question is, will I shake off what lays in the past and lay ahold of the one who has embraced me. Because God is a god who embraces and he gives us the opportunity to get used to being held.
Proverbs 3:3Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you;
bind them around your neck;
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4So you will find favor and good successa
in the sight of God and man.
5Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
7Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
8It will be healing to your fleshb
and refreshmentc to your bones.
As I type the sun is streaming through my window, greeting me with the joy of my heavenly father. For this first year I have felt crushed by my circumstances. My goal of grieving with hope constantly weighed down by my lack of trust in God’s ways. Last night I turned a difficult corner. My sorrow, doubts and fears lay on the altar ready at last to submit to God’s will. He will produce glory from my son’s death. There is no more question mark. I can relax into his purpose because it is no longer at odds with my purpose. I want what he wants, not the other way around. “He is not a tame lion, but he is good.” (The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe) I can trust his goodness even if his ways are not my ways.
I cannot emphasis enough that this has come about through meditating on scripture. The verses that I have been reading since Jonathan’s death establish God’s sovereignty in my circumstances, his foundation of love, his goodness and that his will is done on earth as it is in heaven. Romans 8 helped me to determine that I want the Spirit of life to control me, not my sinful nature.
Now it is a matter of walking in the light of his path that he makes straight for me. He will show me where to go, and equip me to get there. Following his ways and leaning not on my own understanding will be healing to my body and refreshment to my bones.
Proverbs 3 My Role and God’s Role
Me
God
Cocooned, your wings
folded into cramped quarters of
fragile purpose.
Too young–death has touched
you.
ripped your still forming chrysalis
forced your
eyes open to the dust
of humanity. So you hide deep within
safety, questioning the wisdom of
God. Why did he mold you to fly in a world
chained by gravity?
My GPS was navigating me to China today! My husband and I stood in the middle of downtown Chicago, trying to get to lunch and every street the “navigation” device added streets, had us standing on Michigan when were actually on Grande or highlighted no route at all. I put the electronic map away and asked a doorman how to get to our destination. Five minutes later we arrived.
The Holy Spirit is the ultimate navigation system for my life. But, I don’t always seek my spiritual counselor. I’ve had a lot of voices telling me things about my son’s death, the reasons for it, my role and how to respond. Today I am like the little girl, in front of my husband and I, who sat down on the sidewalk in a toddler tantrum refusing to walk another inch until her desires were met by her parents. I really feel stuck. I keep asking God for directions–and he if he doesn’t answer to my satisfaction I turn to following my own navigation system, which has always been wonky.
Sometimes we are just plain asking and trusting the wrong sources to solve our global positioning issues. We will worship a golden calf if we think it will get us to the promise land quicker, or we whine to go back to Egypt if we think where God is leading us is to fraught with danger and trials. We want the easiest plan from point A to B, and when God takes us through deserts, around buildings 7 times, to the cross, and through loss and brokenness, we cannot accept that His navigation system is accurate.
God isn’t limited by time, space, circumstances, fear or anything else interfering with our human MapQuest. We will get from point A to point B–it may be through a whale or well, but his GPS never fails to make it to its destination. Question is will I follow?
One things for sure, I got my 10,000 steps in today!
I want answers. God wants trust.
I feel like a kid asking, “Please explain your plan to me.”
“That is not what you really want.” God gently corrects. “You want Jonathan’s death to mean something, for beauty to spring from the ashes of your heartache and you do not trust that I will give you 100 fold what I have taken from you. Have I not laid out my promises to you through scripture, and in our personal relationship?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I just want my remaining kids to be okay–to help others struggling with depression.”
“Do I not want the same?”
“Yes, but you don’t do things the way I would.”
“Exactly.”
“Why this path, why Jonathan, why this amount of pain? I want answers Lord!”
“No, you want your answers Karisa. Not mine.”
Silence. Can I live with this God whose ways are not my ways?
Isaiah 55:8-9 8“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD. 9“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.
Numbers 23:19 God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?
I watched you work the knot
higher, slow progress
did not deter your
forming soul
from quiet goals of
resilience, the gravity of your
situation pulling you
towards earth
but determination
calling you defiantly upward
till you lay your weary
head in the hammock
content.
Romans 15:1 Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. 2Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification.…
A hard evening for my son. I sat rocking him as he grieved. No words were needed, they will not wash away the heartache he feels, and a Star Wars Band-Aid will not cover his wounds. I silently cried out to my heavenly daddy on my son’s behalf, and let God’s comfort wash over Daniel’s heart. God can get at those places that I cannot.
What do you do in those moments that others suffer? How do you respond to their grief? You may be dealing with a host of your own problems, and it feels like a heavy burden to sit and rock someone as they cry. Dear sister and dear brother we all are broken, and we all are grieving something. We all need to be held.
A neighbor mowed our lawn today. It means so much to me that they reached out. It is hard to accept aid from others, but that is the pride talking. Let others lift your burdens. What my neighbor did for us, enabled me to be present with Daniel. Jesus shared our burdens on the cross–he died to lighten our load! When we treat our neighbors as God treated us, we aren’t just sharing each others burdens, we share each other’s worth. You are valuable to me! You are a treasure! You are worth rocking and being held in your grief.
Psalm 126:6 He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.
I dreamed about Jonathan last night. We were so excited to see him, but I knew it was only temporary so I invited everyone to visit him, hug him and we loved and laughed deeply together. It felt so good to see him, healthy, happy and whole. And then I quietly said my good-bye and turned away releasing the memory of him to where I now know it belongs.
There is such a shift in my heartache. It well never leave me, but there is an acceptance that I’m different and becoming a better person not in spite of the anguish of loss, but as a result of. How many years do we spend running from the painful things in our lives? If you are like me, our past is littered with brokenness. It can be so easy to slip into a cycle of short-sightedness and forget that God sows seeds through generations. Sometimes we sow tears for many years, but oh the harvest we reap when we do not give up!
Joseph, from the Old Testament, sowed tears for just shy of 20 years, before he saw his dream fulfilled. And Israel would later sow tears for 400 years before they were freed from slavery. The whole world had to wait for thousands of years before the promised Messiah would come and free us from the consequences of sin. Jesus sowed in tears. I am a part of his harvest.
Why does a good and loving God operate this way? Why does he allow pain and suffering? Why do we have to sow in tears? What if I told you WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING RIGHT NOW HAS THE POWER FOR THE REDEMPTION OF MANY! Would you believe me? Would you keep sowing in the midst of your depression? There are many witnesses who have gone before me to testify that there most painful times were when they drew the closest to Christ, grew in belief and action, and began to anticipate a larger harvest. I have seen first hand God’s hand move in the lives plagued by deepest despair (cancer, divorce, death of a husband or child, natural disaster). In Psalm 126, the psalmist is celebrating the restoration of Israel’s fortunes and he shares three crucial elements that are true in the deepest, darkest moments we go through. 1.We will be filled with joy and laughter again. 2. The Lord is aware of our planting. 3. We will reap and the nations will take notice of the difference in us
This is at the core of grieving with hope!
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/