Posts Categorized: devotional

Battling Impusliveness in Grief and Depression

Posted July 8, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Yesterday was intensely hard from the moment my eyes blinked open, and today is not. That is the strange thing about grief, it doesn’t always have a rhyme or reason in its approach, it just is. Days like yesterday are happening less and less, but they sap the life out of me. It is the feeling that I cannot go on in this reality. Have you carried the weight of those days?

They are very dangerous times for those of us who battle depression. Impulsiveness can lead to self medicating the pain in some form or fashion. While my impulsiveness has matured through disciplined practice, it has not lost its voice. So what to do in such moments?

1. Let others help. Don’t battle alone. Took the kids to a play date with a friend.

2. Seek out laughter. It is good medicine. One word… trampoline!

3. Cry. It is okay to mourn. Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)

4. Keep away from sharp objects. This is crucial when impulsiveness tries to back door its way into depression. Slam that door shut by removing the option for hasty decisions.

5. Pray. The Lord will never leave you, nor forsake you. That has given me more strength to make it through the hardest days; days my own will power cannot sustain.

6. Be thankful. Thank you for your prayers, for reaching out into my darkest hours. Lord, thank you, when I cry out, you hear my plea and give me your strength in my weakness.

(As an after note. My mom just called to see how I was doing. She reminded me that yesterday was the day I put my son in the ground. I never consciously acknowledged the significance. Maybe there is a rhyme and reason for the intensity of my grief yesterday.)

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I Don’t Know What My Life Will Be Like Tomorrow

Posted June 30, 2015 | Karisa Moore

James 4:14Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. 15Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.”

I don’t remember what we were doing the day before my son died. I know that I prayed for Jonathan, I was in the habit of that, and since Brian had taken the week off for vacation we were having fun with Daniel and Natalie, but I don’t remember the details.

We don’t know what the next moment holds–celebration or pain. We are commanded to neither be in fear of the next second nor hold so tightly to things staying the same that we miss out on the joys that come in the morning. Today my kids built an amazing domino tower. I cleaned the garage and started a step program. I held Natalie who doesn’t feel well and scared the snot out of Daniel who was attempting to scare me. I laughed, I sang, I prayed . . . and I turn the page.

Tomorrow I open my heart wide to what the Lord has for me in that day.

Love Always,

Karisa

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This I Recall: Remembering God in My Sorrow

Posted June 29, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Lamentations 3:20Surely my soul remembers And is bowed down within me. 21This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. 22The LORD’S loving kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.…”Who we remember determines what we remember.” Can’t remember where I read that quote, but it has stayed with me. . It is not my son’s suicide that defines my life, but Jesus Christ. He is who I remember today, and it changes July 1st for me in a way that nothing else can.

I literally feel you praying for me today. From the moment that I awoke I felt a joy that makes 0 sense on the cusp of my son’s death. Therefore I recall:

  • God’s breathtaking pursuit of me in the midst of my rebellion
  • That he wooed me with a tiny little heart beat that promised life in the midst of my depravity
  • That God was my husband, father to my son, and my daddy all rolled into one as I stumbled into faith and motherhood
  • The mystery and beauty of my “little” 10lb 10oz Jonathan (Gift of God) as I cradled him in my arms for the first time
  • The joy of taking shape with Jonathan
  • Endless hours of Lego creations, car racing, and baseball games
  • Laughter, oh the deep and joy filled laughter
  • Watching Jonathan’s personality, his faith, his love and compassion blossom
  • Dreaming big
  • New adventures
  • Even in the midst of my heartbreak last year I find God present in the words left on my son’s Facebook wall, in the living room filled with prayer, and in the miracle of scripture, prayer, tears, teens, horses, writing, and planting seeds of hope

Thank you Jesus!

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Not My Will But Yours Be Done: Learning to accept God’s Sovereignty

Posted June 5, 2015 | Karisa Moore

John 19:26When Jesus then saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to His mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” 27Then He said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” From that hour the disciple took her into his own household.

As I was going to sleep last night, a thought popped into my head. Mary lost a child to a brutal death. In fact she lost at least two! James, her biological son with Joseph it is believed was stoned to death for preaching the gospel. This is no mother’s plan! Mary had to be numb and collapsing as she saw Jesus, the son of God, being crucified on the cross. God did not tell her that this was the road to salvation. It is safe to say that she was not in agreement with the dangerous path Jesus was walking. In her wisdom, she wanted to keep him safe, just as she had always done. She remembered fleeing from Cesar when Jesus was a baby. She remember how this precious life changed her very existence as he grew in her belly. She had done everything she could to sustain him, to keep him alive, to be a good steward of God’s amazing gift. Surely him hanging on the cross was not God’s will. Jesus did nothing as she expected. And yet, even from the cross Jesus was concerned for his mother and providing for her.

No matter how great the plan we make as a mother, God’s plan is better. He has the end goal end in mind, when I cannot even see the finish line. His love is for all of humanity. My love is for a few. His judgment is not clouded and mine is darkened by my own selfish desires. His path is consistent, he neither wavers nor stumbles. God’s plan for Jesus was perfect. God’s plan for Jonathan was perfect. Oh, how weighty those words are for me! They are bitter in my soul. Please hear me, while God did not cause my son’s death, he didn’t stop it either–AND HE IS COMPLETELY ABLE TO! To accept God’s sovereignty in my son’s death is one of the hardest hurdles in my faith. Yet I have believed that he is sovereign in the good things in my life. Why not in death as well?

He has a purpose in allowing Jonathan to die, and as I learn to open myself to the possibilities in his purposes may the friction between my will and God’s will be removed. What is happening in your life right now that you find yourself saying, “Surely this is not the will of God.” Are you battling cancer, is a loved one ill, have you lost your job, is your marriage in shambles. Can we pray as Jesus prayed?:

Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right;
Do what’s best—
    as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You’re in charge!
You can do anything you want!
You’re ablaze in beauty!
    Yes. Yes. Yes. (Matthew 6:9-13, The Message)

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The “Window to the Soul” is Through the Eyes of Jesus Christ

Posted June 1, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Isaiah 53 3He was despised and rejectedb by men;a man of sorrows,c and acquainted withd grief;e
and as one from whom men hide their facesf he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

How did Jesus do it? How did he see past the masks to see our brokenness in the context of our soul’s deepest needs? “Man looks at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) Is that our problem? We never get past the surface of what we think we know and see in others. Certainly that seems to be the case in my son’s circumstances. To turn the page on suicide we must retrain our eyes to look deeper than the surface, but how? . . . The only what is through the eyes of Jesus.

1. Jesus was totally in tune with the will of his father.

2. He broke the bondage of the sinful desires through preparation (prayer fasting, meditating on scripture, and testing).

3. He listened for the Holy Spirit to guide him in seeing the whole context of the person.

4. He acted quickly, yet methodically, and perfectly to each and every encounter with men and women.

So while cultivation of disciples can take several years, changing someone’s life can happen in a moment encounter! You don’t have to be deeply invested and know everything about a person, or even be their friend, to truly see the depth of who they are and their need. Many of Jesus’s encounters were with strangers that are never given a name in scripture. We simply need to abide in Jesus and act on his calling. When I know and trust the character of the Trinity I see more clearly the souls around me and not my unclear and shallow prejudices of outward appearances.

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My Spiritual Tool Box: What do I Use When Grief Overwhelms Me?

Posted May 29, 2015 | Karisa Moore

As I awoke this morning I was immediately hit with going over ever last minute detail leading up to Jonathan’s death. It is in these moments that I pull out every tool in my tool box.

Prayer: Lord, you know that my heart’s longing is for Jonathan to be here–to live. Please Lord, fill me with your love. Direct my mind to what is doable for me today. May you be enough for me. Amen.

Scripture: Lamentations 3:31For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. 32Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. 33For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.

Romans 8:31What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

John 16:22So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Fellowship: Headed into the office to work. . . bringing Daniel’s joke book. 😉

Witnessing: I share with you my grief, my hope, and my God with you today. May you find comfort in your afflictions, hope in your grief, and love and compassion for those around you.

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Embracing Suffering as a Ransom for Many

Posted May 27, 2015 | Karisa Moore

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:18-25 NIV

Turning My Page

Embracing suffering requires us to accept that God subjected all of creation to futility and frustration. When my son was three he would say, “You got me in trouble,” as my husband and I disciplined him for disobedience. In those moments Daniel forgot that we loved him, he forgot we wanted good things for him, and he didn’t understand the purpose of our saying no. We frustrated his plans.

I don’t tend to struggle so much with rejecting discipline when I have done something wrong, but sometimes good plans, plans of following Jesus and living life to the fullest have been frustrated,  not of my own making. This was a stumbling block for me growing up and still trips me up as an adult. I was abused, neglected, and experienced injustice after injustice. Now, I have lost a son, a son that turned me to God. What kind of God allows this kind of suffering for a daughter that he loves?

Paul tried to make clear that the suffering we experience (whether a believer in Jesus or not) is so that we can be free from death (a consequence of sin) and made alive through Jesus. This can be extremely hard to accept for three reasons:

  • It is the complete opposite of our worldly thinking
  • No one wants to suffer, and
  • We don’t always see immediate results in our suffering.

I think that if I do good, such as raise Jonathan as a Godly mother, I should receive good outcomes.

Turning Your Page

How often do we say, “I deserve this?” TV commercials dangle their items and encourage us that we deserve whatever item they are selling. If God gave us what we deserve it would be death, an eternal separation from him. (Romans 3:23) I forget that Jesus was perfect and we crucified him. If doing good was enough for our salvation then he should not have been put to death.

So if the son of God wasn’t spared suffering, then maybe my definition of suffering needs to change. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” God prepared me for Jonathan’s death (my current suffering) with this verse. I don’t know about you, but I tend to bristle when people throw out this verse when we suffer. I can tell the difference when someone clearly knows and believes what they are saying and when someone is just spouting something that sounds good. THIS IS A CRUCIFICTION BELIEF! I am saying that I believe that everything that I have experienced, the abuse as a child, the despair as a teen, the suicide of my son works to glorify God! That has to be a core transformation because it goes against my desire for self-preservation. God even uses fleas; just ask Corrie ten Boom who scoffed when her sister praised God for the fleas. God doesn’t use fleas for his glory! She found out later that the prison guards did not interfere with the bible-study that she and her sister led with the other prisoners because they did not want to get fleas. (The Hiding Place) Not a single bit of our experiences are wasted.

We need to look no further for an example of struggle with suffering than the Rich Young Ruler. For the disciples Mark 10 is a lynch pin moment. The rich young ruler runs up and bows to Jesus. He calls Jesus “Good Teacher”. And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone.” Already we can see that his thinking is not the same as Jesus’ on what constitutes goodness. 18The rich young ruler wants to know what he must do to inherit the kingdom of heaven. They run down the list of the 10 commandments and the young man has to be getting excited, because he has kept those commands. But, wait there is more! Jesus tells the rich young ruler, whom he loves mind you, “Sell everything you have, give it all to the poor, come follow me and store up treasures in heaven.” The rich young ruler loses heart and leaves because he has great wealth. Jesus, thinking is the complete opposite of the young ruler, as well as the disciples. Jesus tells the disciples that wealth cannot save us. “We have left everything to follow you.” The disciples say. They might as well have said, “We have left everything, because we thought you were going to make us rich.” The cup that Jesus drinks from is one of suffering! The rich young ruler was going to have to trade in his “tangible” results for the intangible, not yet seen results in heaven!!! Many walk away from Jesus today for this very same reason. I’m first to admit that I often struggle with a desire for immediate results in my obedience to God!

When my focus is on the immediate results that I think that I should obtain, such as I accepted Jesus, I turned my life around, I raised Jonathan as a godly mother . . . I, I, I . . . should have a son that succeeds in life and does not die. You owe me God for all that I sacrificed to follow you. This thinking is small, whereas God’s is so much bigger!!! Mark 10:45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” My current suffering, the loss of my son will be to God’s glory! What if the suicide rate, the hopelessness felt by so many turns around because God allowed this suffering in my life? I know it is hard for us to embrace the truth that God works even horrid things in our life to his glory, but I have seen way too many examples of that occurring to dismiss it as “Christian silliness”. Not the least of which is the Son of God, being mocked, lashed, and crucified by men and women wanting immediate results from this supposed king! Only to have Jesus turn the tables on death and save those very same people who put him on the cross. Over 2000 years later my faith is a result of Jesus’ suffering. I am grateful that God caused all of creation to be frustrated in sin, so that I now have hope that is not limited by circumstances and that I can offer that same hope to you.

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Join Me in my Tears

Posted May 21, 2015 | Karisa Moore

John 11:35 “Jesus wept.”

“Oh let me join you in your tears.” Natalie said cheerfully bouncing over to me last night as I broke down in tears during prayer time. After some great weeks, I once again feel as if my heart can’t withstand the loss of Jonathan. The silence of his presence is deafening! Sometimes I just need someone to join me in my tears.

Jesus didn’t have to cry. He knew what he was about to do. He didn’t say, “Buck up Mary, don’t you trust God, don’t you trust me?” He missed Lazarus too. Jonathan may be in heaven, but his body is still here. I truly believe that God mourns with us our loss. It may be temporary, I am learning to see Jonathan’s death in light of eternity, but Jesus had eternity in mind and still wept. Loss is real, loss is present, and loss is ongoing. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I take comfort that Jesus joins me in my tears.

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Posted May 18, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Revelation 7:17 For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; ‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’ ‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.'”

The water bill almost undid me last night. I have had a really good week since Mother’s Day and have been swimming confidently out to uncharted waters with Christ.

Brian excitedly stated, “I don’t know how, but our water bill dropped this year.”

It took me a moment to realize why . . . “We don’t have a teenager using the water.” I quietly responded. Suddenly I was deeply weary. The busy week had not drained me, the amazing time with teenagers at the ranch had not brought me to my spiritual knees, and several days of not sleeping had not disabled me. No, it was a water bill. I wanted to disappear in that moment, not feel the grief that poured into my soul. I’d give anything to do Jonathan’s laundry or hear him singing from the shower as he got ready for school.

I realized that the best thing for me to do was to head on to bed. Nothing good was going to come from me sitting there dwelling on my heartache. I heard a woman wisely say, she set a consistent pattern of going to bed when her kids do, because she realized that anything past that time that her flesh was weakened.

Again I did not sleep well, but this morning I sought the Lord’s face and reread Matthew 5:4. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” He gives me comfort through scripture, laughter with a friend, my husband and kids, as well as the discipline of writing this blog. Just to name a few. Tapping these resources today I clearly see that in less than a year there is a transition happening. The days of deep anguish are becoming . . . well . . . moments. Why? Developing discipline (just about a curse word for some of us), is shutting the door on death, and opening the roof for unfathomable faith, hope, and love. The more I experience these gifts, the more I long for them to finish their work.

Oh, my sweet son, you are experiencing these three things with Jesus! May I be a witness of that indestructible abundant life, promised on this side of heaven. May I grasp ahold and be strengthened by the truth that nothing is impossible for God. Amen.

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Praising the Lord is not Pie in the Sky Mentality

Posted May 16, 2015 | Karisa Moore

Psalm 34:1-3

1I will extol the Lord at all times;

his praise will always be on my lips.

2I will glory in the Lord;

let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3Glorify the Lord with me;

let us exalt his name together.

There is something amazing that happens when I extol the Lord in the midst of my affliction. My whole demeanor and outlook change. I have shifted from the impossible to all things are possible with God. Extol means  to “lift up”. Good grief, I do not feel like lifting up anything or any one in the midst of my sorrow! I feel like shaking my fists at God and saying why did you take my son. I feel like ripping down others. I cannot tolerate God, others or myself.

When I extol, praise, glorify, rejoice, and exalt the character of God, I am acknowledging that he gave me his son! I am remembering that my hope lies in Him alone. I am recalling to mind all that he has done for me. Extol is not a pie in the sky mentality, it is an in the trenches, my circumstances suck, but I have a resource like no other discipline! David is praising God in this Psalm, in the aftermath of pretending that he was crazy to escape Abimelech. David wasn’t on his throne living the good life when he spoke these words; he was running for his life.

The Latin word for extol is tollere, which is also where we get our word tolerate. I can tolerate so much more in the light of God’s love for me, his sacrifice, and his perfect will for my life. I will extol the Lord at all times!

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Suicide & Prevention Hotline

National Suicide Hotline

If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call the National Suicide Lifeline at 988 or go to the website at https://988lifeline.org/